Barring any last-minute technological glitches, Savage Love
readers will be able to vote in the “My Man Sure Looks Hot
in His Tighty-Whities Contest” when the cyber polling place
opens this Friday, July 26, at 9 AM Eastern Standard Time.
But before I reveal the address of the Web site where civic-minded
readers can cast their ballots, a little history for those
who may just be tuning in.
A few months ago I responded to a letter from a woman complaining
about her boyfriend’s taste in underpants. He wore only tighty-whities,
and she insisted that TWs were a major turn-off. I disagreed.
On the right man—a slim, boyish, hairless man—TWs are about
the sexiest damn thing that can happen to a guy outside of
Ashton Kutcher’s mouth. At the end of my response to Ms. TWphobe,
I encouraged readers with slim, boyish, hairless boyfriends
to send me pictures of them in their TWs via e-mail. Why?
Because it’s my column and when you’ve got a column you can
get away with that sort of shit. (If Miss Manners can do it,
why can’t I?) At the behest of my readers I decided to make
the TW pics into a beauty contest of sorts, with the person
who sent in the sexiest pic of his or her boyfriend in TWs
winning a trip for two to Las Vegas. When readers complained
that I had a bias—a handful of clearly delusional readers
insisted that big, manly, hairy guys look sexy in TWs too—I
agreed to let my readers vote on a winner.
Voting was supposed to commence on July 4 but my goddamned
lawyer “suggested” I get signed releases and photo IDs for
all the men whose pictures I was planning to post online.
It’s a good thing I listened to my lawyer—some of them whose
TW pics were in my possession had no idea that their significant
others were sending pictures of them in their underwear to
me and Miss Manners! While some were delighted to give their
consent and see their white-cotton crotches splashed all over
the Web, others were, uh, not. Consequently, readers
won’t get to vote on every TW pic that I received, which is
a real shame. Liz V.’s shy boyfriend, for example, is a real
OK! Before I announce the address of the Web site where you
can vote for the sexiest man in TWs, I’d like answer some
of your last-minute questions about the contest.
Dammit, Dan, why are you giving free shit to someone who
has already won the genetic lottery? People who look good
in TWs don’t need a free Vegas trip; they already get enough
free things trading on their looks. How about a contest based
Eradicate Nasty Savage Abuse
. . . maybe MENSA’s right . . . maybe I should have
a contest based on brains . . . I know! I could do a plagiarism
contest! I could run letters from my readers but for answers
use a line or two lifted from books written by other advice-givers!
Then my brainy readers could do a little research, find the
source material I plagiarized, and win a trip to Las Vega—hey,
wait a minute! I already ran that contest and I had to cancel
it because all the Mensa members out there were sending me
e-mails boo-hooing about the contest being too tough!
Sorry, MENSA, but someone who looks good in his underpants
is going to Las Vegas. You smart folks had your chance and
you blew it.
Your current contest is: “Readers
who have boyfriends, male or female readers, gay or straight
are invited to send me pictures of their boyfriends in a pair
of tighty-whities.” Hey! You’ve disqualified all the dykes
from a free trip to Las Vegas! No fair!
You Know Equality?
right, DYKE, this contest does discriminate against lesbians.
Two thoughts . . . first, tough shit. Second, if I promise
to make it up to you do you promise not to report me to the
Human Rights Commission?
In the interest of fairness and equal
time, I think you should have a girls-in-thongs contest in
the near future, with the same rules and rewards. I’ll be
the first to send in a picture of my girlfriend if you do.
promise you, Steve, and you, DYKE, that the next objectification
contest I run will focus on girls exclusively. I can’t promise,
however, that thongs will be involved. Outside of porn, dykes
don’t wear thongs, and I don’t want to accidentally exclude
dykes from the next contest. And then there’s the small matter
of my participation. It’s highly unlikely that I would run
any contest that required me to spend all day looking at pictures
of women in thongs.
How are you going to prevent people
from voting for themselves 20,000 times to assure they win
the trip to Vegas? What steps are you taking to prevent ballot-box
stuffing? Will this be an fair and honest vote?
it matter? Was the vote that sent George W. Bush to Washington
fair and honest? No it wasn’t, and yet we’ve managed to live
with the results of that dishonest, unfair election. As that’s
the case, I can’t see that it matters much if the vote that
sends some boy who looks good in his underpants to Las Vegas
is unfair and dishonest. People are invited to visit the Web
site, vote early and often, and encourage their friends and
relatives to do the same.
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Once again,
the polls open Friday, July 26 at 9 AM EST. The polls will
close at 5 PM Tuesday, Aug. 6. To vote for the best looking
contestant in Savage Love’s “My Man Sure Looks Hot in His
Tighty-Whities Contest” go to www . . . Wait! Before I give
the address there’s something I have to get off my chest.
Not all the “My Man Sure Looks Hot in His Tighty-Whities”
contestants are actually all that hot—and that’s fine. I don’t
mind going to Las Vegas with someone average. I’m not running
this contest to get laid. I am, however, concerned that evildoers
out there will vote for some of the scarier contestants—the
man with the huge brown cock, the strange looking cat with
the moustache, the guy chainsawing a dog in half—in an attempt
to ruin my trip to Las Vegas. There are people out there who
don’t like me or my column much, and I’m afraid they’re going
to take advantage of this opportunity to ruin my life. That’s
why I’m issuing this appeal to those of you out there who
do like me and like Savage Love: You know my tastes—slim,
boyish, hairless—and I would be forever in your debt if you
would do me a favor and cast your ballots for the my kinda
OK . . . the polls open Friday at www.tightywhitiesarehot.com.