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My
marriage of nearly 30 years is grinding to a slow and painful
death. Due to the fact that my wife had her tubes tied before
I met her, I have never used a condom in my life. My question:
When I am going to have casual sex with a woman, when do I
put the condom on? Right before I put it in? Or before we
start having sex? Or do I put one on before the date and leave
it on all night, just in case? (Just kidding.) I’m sure there
are a lot of readers who are going to laugh at that question,
but I’ll bet there are some who are going to be paying close
attention to your answer.
—Need
to Know
According
to leading condom experts, you put the condom on after
your dick is hard but before you stick it in your casual
sex partners. I hope that clears things up.
Now I’d like to address the real issue at the bottom of your
problem: You want me to tell you how and when to put the condom
on because you’re afraid of appearing inept. If you make a
mistake putting on that first-ever condom, your casual sex
partner will realize that this is the first time you have
ever used a condom. Once she realizes you’ve never used a
condom before, you worry that she’ll point at your dick and
laugh, get up and get dressed, and then go home and call her
girlfriends and tell them you’re inept.
Let me clue you in to something, NTK: No decent sex partner,
casual or formal, expects her lover to be an expert at something
the very first time he tries it. We’re all inept and nervous
the first time we, say, use a condom, eat pussy, or release
our bowels while squatting over Ann Coulter’s face. First-time
jitters are forgivable—but your partner can only forgive
your first-time jitters if they know it’s your first time.
If you lead your sex partner to believe that you’re an expert
at putting on condoms, eating pussy, or defecating on Ann
Coulter (DOAC for short), then they’ll be annoyed when you
turn out to be inept at putting on condoms, eating pussy,
or DOAC. Your partner will then be forced to conclude that
you lied about being experienced or, worse yet, that you didn’t
lie. (“He’s had years of practice using condoms/eating pussy/DOAC
and he’s still lousy at it! Christ!”)
So here’s what you do: If it’s your first time using condoms/eating
pussy/DOAC, tell your partner. Promise to give it your
best shot, and ask your partner for help, pointers and encouragement.
That way, your casual sex partner will be rooting for you,
forgiving your missteps, and offering words of encouragement
(or cups of coffee in Ann’s case), instead of wondering why
you’re so friggin’ inept.
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I am dating a Japanese girl who is so into keeping her
pubic area hair-free that she actually plucks the hairs out.
Previous girlfriends had trimmed a bit off the top, but none
plucked themselves hairless! Since we got together, my girlfriend
has asked me to do the plucking for her and I have happily
obliged. This has been going on for about five months. Now
the tables (or the tweezers ) have been turned: She wants
to pluck me. I’ll admit it: I’m a wimp and I don’t want to
experience the pain of plucking. She claims that this is unfair
since I pluck her. I’ve reminded her that she asks me to pluck
her, not the other way around. Now she is growing out her
bush to spite me, although our sex life remains passionate.
I trust your opinion, Dan. Am I being a hypocrite?
—Plucker
Not Pluckee
No,
you’re not being a hypocrite. Let’s say I enjoyed being hit
in the face with a cream pie during sex. It would be within
my rights to ask my boyfriend to indulge me, and it would
be decent of him to indulge me in my passion for pies. But
indulging me in my passion does not obligate my boyfriend
to submit to being hit with a cream pies himself.
So, yes, I believe your girlfriend should allow you to continue
plucking her without demanding the same right in return. However!
You have come to enjoy plucking your girlfriend and you prefer
your girlfriend plucked. She would prefer you plucked—and
your enjoyment of plucking/plucked gives her some leverage.
Blackmail is an ugly business, PNP, but I’m afraid your girlfriend
has the advantage. To wit: Just because she enjoys being plucked
doesn’t mean she has to allow you to pluck her. If she wants
to remain unplucked so that you will endure a plucking to
regain the right to pluck her, well, that’s her right.
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I’m a male college student who’s working to become a teacher.
I really love kids a lot—for many reasons—but there’s one
problem: Even though I love kids because they’re interesting,
fun to work with, and all around great, I have a sexual attraction
to them. Mainly boys. I would never hurt one intentionally
and have never hurt one, but the attraction is always there.
Am I a pedophile? What can I do? I’m really ashamed of my
feelings because I do love kids. Please help.
—Scared
and Depressed Because of Youngins
Are
you a pedophile? Yes, you’re a pedophile. Worse yet, you’re
a fucking clueless pedophile.
You are the last person on earth who should be going into
teaching. You don’t need a teaching certificate, SADBOY, you
need a therapist, someone who can help you understand, control,
and refrain from ever—ever!—acting on your desires. If you
surround yourself with children for all your working life,
one day a “special boy” is going to come along, and even if
he tells you he’s sexually attracted to you, and even if you
dupe yourself into believing that he’s mature enough to give
his consent, it will still be rape. If the boy’s parents find
out, they’ll call the police. Or if they don’t find out, years
later the boy you molested, now a man, may decide that what
you did damaged him, and he’ll call the police. And you? You
will go to jail for the rest of your life—which may be short,
since child molesters aren’t the most popular people in prison.
Get into therapy, SADBOY. You’re going to have to police your
desires for the rest of your life, and to do that you’re going
to need help. It will be easier to keep your hands off kids
if you’re not surrounded by them all day, every day, for the
rest of your working life.
In response to the man who wanted to know if there were
people who loved big balls, yes! I love and admire big balls,
whether men are trying to hide their baubles under their pants
or swinging them in the shower room or putting them on display
on the internet. Balls are basic sexual equipment and deserve
to be celebrated! Here are two Web sites that do just that:
www.testiclefetish.com; www.groups.yahoo.com/group/hugeballsloverz.
—Tasty
Enough Swing Them Enormous Spheres
Dan
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven
Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton),
goes on sale Oct. 10.
mail@savagelove.net
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