is a fairly embarrassing situation for myself and my husband,
I hope you will consider helping. Not too long ago, we came
home from a night at the theatre and found my 14-year old
daughter “experimenting” with one of my dildos. Needless to
say, we were both mortified. My husband quickly exited the
room and left me to deal with it. My daughter claims she found
it while innocently looking through my closet (something she
is not allowed to do). She says she was “curious” and “just
playing.” I have since thrown the dildo away, as well as my
other one and the vibrator. I have decided that these sort
of materials are inappropriate for a household with teenagers.
My daughter was grounded for a week, and now we don’t speak
of the incident. My husband has never mentioned it once. Should
I dredge this up again, Dan? Or move on? The feelings of embarrassment
are lingering. Have I harmed my daughter?
mom, but however mortified you were by the sight of your daughter
impaling herself on your dildo, you must speak of this incident
again. You must sit your daughter down, look her straight
in the eye and you must say the following: “Please accept
my apology. I’ve been such a dumb bitch about all of this
and I hope you’ll forgive me.” Then hand your daughter a nicely
wrapped package. Inside the package? A dildo of her very own.
Then you must say this: “Like all girls your age, you’re curious
about sex, and you’re hormones are raging, and you are old
enough to masturbate, and masturbation is healthy and natural.
Your desire to experiment with penetration is likewise healthy
and natural. You’re no longer grounded, and as we speak your
father is putting a lock on your bedroom door, so that you
can masturbate in total privacy. Now get out of my sight,
you little scamp.”
Look, lady, teenagers masturbate for pleasure, to release
sexual tension, and to alleviate their fears about sex (what
is it going to feel like?). Your daughter’s curiosity about
penetration is natural and healthy. Teenage boys experiment
with penetration all the time. With a little hand lotion and
a clenched fist, a straight boy can simulate vaginal intercourse.
Teenage girls who want to simulate vaginal intercourse don’t
have it quite so easy. They need a stand-in for cock and,
as a parent, you should be proud that your daughter was smart
enough to use something designed for vaginal penetration.
Do you have any idea how many girls wind up in emergency rooms
every year because they “lost” pens, pencils, hotdogs, cucumbers
inside themselves? Do you have any idea how many girls do
themselves real and lasting damage experimenting with bottles,
broom handles, hammers, and Ken Dolls? So, mom, lighten up.
It wasn’t “your fault,” i.e., dildos in the house didn’t put
the idea in your daughter’s head. Fourteen-year-old girls
know what vaginal intercourse is, and they’re curious about
it and experiment with it, dildos or no dildos. And look on
the bright side, mom: If your daughter didn’t find your dildos
you might have come home to find your daughter bleeding internally
after using something inappropriate to satisfy her curiosity.
Actually, you may yet come home to that. With your idiotic
dildo fatwa in effect, you daughter is likelier to explore
her curiosity about penetration with whatever is handy. If
you want to avoid a trip to the emergency room (or avoid feeling
queasy every time you cut up a cucumber for a salad), you
need to buy your daughter a dildo of her own.
The last couple of times my girlfriend
and I have had sex, she has licked me clean afterwards. She
says it is a real turn-on to taste our mingled juices, and
I’ll admit that it is kind of a turn on for me too! But now
she wants me to go down on her after we fuck, and I think
the idea is kind of gross. This is starting to come between
us, what should I do?
the guy in last week’s column whose girlfriend enjoyed having
her public hairs plucked out, you are under no obligation
to lap up your mingled juices simply because your girlfriend
enjoys doing it. However, your girlfriend is under no obligation
to keep seeing you if you refuse to do so. So what should
you do? Give in or refuse. Only you can decide if this girl
is so wonderful that you’re willing to eat your own come to
be with her. Good luck.
I was a virgin when I got married.
Now I’m almost 30, and my sexual preferences have turned away
from the vanilla sex that my husband prefers. Namely, I’ve
discovered that what really gets me going is bondage and domination-type
stuff. I’ve talked to my husband about this and asked him
if we can try it, and while he claims to find it interesting,
he always says “maybe next time.” I even bought some basic
bondage things (blindfold, straps) at a sex shop, thinking
that’d provide some momentum. No luck, it’s still “maybe next
time.” Recently I met a guy who is definitely into the same
things I am, but I can’t cheat on my husband. I mean, I could,
but I won’t. So how can I reconcile my new interest with the
fact that my husband is completely not interested? I realize
it’s not as interesting a problem as sister-loving rednecks
or pube-plucking Japanese chicks, but any suggestions?
Interested In Bondage
get the impression from your letter that you’ve been dropping
hints and making suggestions, hoping your husband will take
the lead. It’s time to put your foot down, WIIB. Start making
demands and giving orders. Tell the husband, “Honey, I’m really
getting frustrated. Either you’re going to explore this bondage
and SM stuff with me or you’re going to give me permission
to explore this stuff with some other guy. No more ‘maybe
next time.’ What’s it going to be?”
Thank you for telling Suddenly Bi-Guy’s
Wife to divorce him right away. I speak from some experience—his.
I discovered too late that just because I could have sex with
women doesn’t mean I should have sex with women. I thought
I had honorable intentions of living the straight life when
I got married, and I enjoyed being thought of as part of a
heterosexual couple. Within a year, I had to admit that I
really wanted to be with men. That was just about the time
my wife discovered she was pregnant, and I was positive she
had conceived the night I’d had a particularly vivid fantasy
involving Alec Baldwin, George Clooney and myself in order
to keep myself hard inside her. Well, to make a long story
even longer, the marriage limped along pitifully for several
years, with much pain for everyone involved. I truly love
being a dad, but I never should have put my wife through all
this. So my advice to the bride is this: If you don’t want
to share your husband’s passion with a procession of men,
call a lawyer, return the wedding gifts, and above all, don’t
You Think The Truth Hurts, Try Living A Lie
for sharing, IYTTTHTLAL, and give my regards to your ex-wife
and your son—little Alec George, I presume?
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah: The Seven
Deadly Sins and the Pursuit of Happiness in America (Dutton),
goes on sale Oct. 10. Send your Savage Love questions to firstname.lastname@example.org