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Tell
you what, Dan. If you do your job and answer some fucking
questions, all of your readers promise to run out and
buy your book and make it a bestseller. But if you keep boring
us with the details of your boring book tour, none
of us will buy your book! No more bullshit about your
boring book tour. Do your job. Answer our questions.
—Finished
Enduring Dan’s Useless Promotional Prose
Was
the book tour stuff boring you, FEDUPP? Gee, I’m sorry. I
certainly don’t want to bore people . . . so . . . I guess
I’ll answer some of your questions this week. Which is kind
of a bummer, actually, because I had some great book tour
stories to share. For instance, I’m writing this column sitting
at the bar in the lobby of Milwaukee’s Hotel Pfister (pronounced
“fister,” i.e. just like the word used to describe someone
who puts his arm up your ass). Being a homo, I naturally find
staying at Hotel Pfister pretty hilarious. I could do an entire
column about this place . . . but I wouldn’t want to bore
you, FEDUPP.
Oh, and then there’s this book tour story: Three very nice
young people (including one very good-looking guy) offered
to get me high at a Harry W. Schwartz Bookshop in Milwaukee
where I was doing a reading. Since I was on a book tour (far
from my regular responsibilities), and since the book I’m
touring to promote includes a long chapter defending the recreational
use of marijuana, I told the nice young people that, sure,
I would get high with them after the reading. They told me
that they had to get high with me right away, since they weren’t
sure they could stay until the end of the reading. They had
class in the morning, they explained. “Oh,” I said, “are you
guys are in college?” They laughed. “We’re sophomores,” said
the cute boy. “High school sophomores.” That was the end of
that. While I defend recreational drug use in my new book—have
I mentioned that I have a new book out?—I didn’t think it
would be wise to smoke pot with 15-year-olds. Heck, it might
even be illegal.
Anyway, I was going to relate these and other fascinating
book tour stories, but I don’t want to bore FEDUPP . . . so
I’ll answer some questions instead. (I better see a big up-tick
in my ranking on Amazon.com this week, FEDUPP.) While I couldn’t
get high with high school students, I can answer a few of
their questions.
I am sexually attracted to my English
teacher and I think she’s attracted to me. She spends more
time “helping” me than anyone in the class and she also likes
to touch my shoulders, rub her leg against mine, and give
me little massages. Today she asked me to help her with her
filing. I know where this is going—or where I would like it
to go: I want to kiss her feet, perform sexual favors for
her and basically be her sex slave. I am 18 years old, so
I am barely legal. What are your thoughts? Should I keep this
in the realm of fantasy?
—Virgin
Slave in Michigan
Even
if you’re technically above the age of consent (which is 16
in Michigan), your teacher could get in big trouble if your
relationship progresses past touching, rubbing, massages,
and “filing.” Fucking your students is a career-ending offense
these days (so is massaging your students), and God help the
poor teacher who gets caught engaging in domination/submission
games with a student (even if it was his idea). If your teacher
makes you her sex slave and the two of you get caught, VSIM,
you’ll be sent to a shrink and she’ll be sent to the electric
chair.
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My friends and I are always talking
about sex and playing sexual games (spin the bottle and dumb
shit like that). It’s frustrating because I don’t know what
I am sexually. I am underage and too young to experiment and
I wouldn’t feel comfortable experimenting anyway since I don’t
know what I am. My mother keeps asking me if I’m a lesbian!
I live in a liberal town with liberal parents, and so it wouldn’t
be a problem if I was a lesbian but I’m not sure I am! I asked
someone how to discover my true sexuality and this person
told me to have sex because, “that’ll help you know.” ARRGHHH!
That doesn’t help! I’m not ready! So my question is, do you
know a safe surefire way to discover myself without having
sex?
Baby
Is Terribly Confused, Help!
You’re
in luck, BITCH, because I do know a surefire way to discover
yourself without having sex. Forgive me for rhyming (it sounds
so cheesy and patronizing), but all you need to do is wait,
date, and masturbate. If you don’t feel that you’re ready
to have sex, wait. You can still date while you wait (liberal
boys and liberal girls). Dating doesn’t obligate you
to have sex with anyone before you decide you’re ready; if
anyone you date tries to tell you otherwise, dump him/her
immediately. While you wait and date, masturbate. Learn how
to bring yourself to orgasm and pay strict attention to the
mental images that flow through your head while you get yourself
off. Trust me on this, BITCH: Your body will let you know
who you are.
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I am a mature teenage girl with a
question for you. My brother was watching a porno site with
one of his friends and claims he saw a video clip of a man
sticking his entire head up a woman’s pussy! I say it’s impossible!
The woman would die! My brother says that if a woman can give
birth, she can get a man’s head up there. Set us straight,
Dan!
—Can
U Now Talk?
If
your brother wants to win this argument, CUNT, all he has
to do is take you to the porn site where he saw this video
clip. If he can’t, well, then he’s clearly lying. As for your
brother’s argument (if women can give birth, she can get a
man’s head up there), anyone who’s taken a single high school
health class should be able to see through it. Baby’s skulls
are small and soft, CUNT, while full-grown men’s skulls are
big and hard. Still, I’m reluctant to tell you that it’s impossible
for a man to stuff his entire head into a woman’s pussy. There
may actually be a video clip out there somewhere of a tiny
man sticking his teensy head into a big woman’s huge vagina.
(If someone out there has a video clip of this, please do
not send it to me.) So let’s just file this sex act under
unlikely-bordering-on-impossible.
Confidential to Ryan: On that first issue, go get a friggin’
HIV test already. As for that second issue, you’re right:
Jenn sounds like the kind of girl who would be cool about
her boyfriend being a cross-dresser. But there’s only one
way to find out for sure: You’ll have to tell Jenn that you’ve
been wearing her “missing” panties.
Dan
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah (Dutton),
is on sale now. (More info at skippingtowardsgomorrah.com.)
Send your Savage Love questions to mail@savagelove.net
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