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I’m
a man in my mid-30s, and I just started dating after the end
of a five-year relationship. The last three dates I’ve had
have been with women in Terminator-style, search-and-be-impregnated
missions: “Has job. . . . Does not live at home. . . . Full
head of hair. . . . MATCH! MATCH! MATCH!” For these women,
a successful date isn’t “Gee, I kind of like you, let’s hang
out, get to know each other, and maybe have sex.” It’s more
like, “OK, you’ll do; let’s buy a house and have kids, NOW.”
I’m not interested in being anyone’s sperm donor at the moment.
Nothing kills romance faster than reproductive desperation.
Don’t these dolls get it?
—Not
Your Phat Daddy
Whether
you realize it or not, NYPD, those desperate dolls were doing
you a favor. By letting you know they were on marry-and-mate
missions, these women tipped you off, and you were able to
see before things got serious. Some women are better at disguising
their reproductive desperation, and had you been dating one
of these women, well, things might have turned out very differently.
You might have been hanging out and having sex with a woman
who—oops!—forgot to put her diaphragm in one night. Or misplaced
her pills. Or poked holes in your condom. And, once she was
knocked up, wasn’t quite so pro-choice as she lead you to
believe on your first date.
Instead of complaining, you should thank these women for being
open about their intentions. Then, after you’ve thanked them,
dump their desperate asses. But be warned: Dolls who’ve been
repeatedly dumped by guys struggling with clichéd, fear-of-commitment
crapola eventually adopt new stratagems. You see, women in
search-and-be-impregnated mode tend to get dumped a lot by
guys in sex-with-no-strings mode. Eventually a woman will
switch to stealth-search-and-be-impregnated mode, telling
a man everything he wants to hear (“Oh, honey, let’s just
live for today! Another blowjob?”), biding her time until
she can make him say what she wants to hear (“Oh, shit, you’re
pregnant? Guess we better get married.”).
But if I may lecture you, NYPD, a man in his mid ’30s has
had plenty of time to slut around, and should have figured
out by now if he wants kids. There’s a point in a man’s life—around
the time when he has to start going in for regular prostate
exams—when fear of commitment and/or indecision on the wife-and-kids
issue is no longer masculine or attractive or Peter Pan or
Jack Kerouac or Bruce Springsteen. It’s just pathetic. I’m
not saying that all men should want to settle down and/or
have kids—the world would be a much better place if men who
didn’t want kids didn’t have kids. But by the time you’re
40 and fat, with a real career and a swollen prostate gland,
you’ve had enough time to make up your fucking mind.
And once you’ve made up your mind, there’s a simple way to
avoid reproductive desperadoes: If you feel no need to breed,
don’t date women who want kids. Tell the women you date you’re
not interested in being anyone’s daddy. Date only women who,
like you, don’t want kids—they are out there—or women who’ve
already had kids. Telling women who want kids that you don’t
want kids will make it less likely that these women will sleep
with you in hopes that you’re a MATCH! MATCH! MATCH! Which
means you’ll get laid less, but hey, look on the bright side:
You won’t wind up being anyone’s “accidental” daddy.
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I’m a 28-year-old professional, single
woman. I live with my boyfriend, and he enjoys strip clubs.
I didn’t have a problem with this at first because he said
it was no big deal; there was no touching involved, and he
didn’t go very often. I recently found out that the last time
he went he spent $500, stayed seven hours, and that there
was touching involved. I admit to being naive on the subject:
I didn’t know that you can pay strippers to crawl on top of
you. I feel like I’ve been cheated on. Is he sick or am I
a prude? I can’t turn to my girlfriends because I don’t want
to destroy their opinions of my boyfriend. I should mention
that he was ashamed and apologetic when confronted.
—Strip
Club Widow
He’s
not sick, you’re not a prude, and you weren’t cheated on.
He didn’t have sex with strippers—while $500 is a lot of money,
it won’t go that far in a strip club—and while you may not
have been aware of everything that goes on in a strip club,
he was going with your consent. Which is not to say that your
boyfriend behaved admirably: When he obtained your permission,
he probably downplayed the amount of time and money he spends
in strip clubs, and didn’t inform you about all those couch,
table, and lap dances. He took advantage of your naïveté and
for that he should be made to suffer.
Since you gave him permission to go before you knew he was
capable of spending $500 and seven hours in a strip club,
and when you thought there was no touching involved, you have
every right to forbid him to go to strip clubs from here on
out. But let’s not kid ourselves: Your boyfriend is still
gonna go to strip clubs. If he goes without your permission,
however, he’ll be more discreet about it, spending less money
and time in strip clubs; and if you’re smart, you’ll turn
a blind eye.
I hope I’m not letting the pussy out of the parcel, but most
straight guys in long-term relationships wanna fuck other
women. For lots of guys, going to a strip club helps them
blow off that wanna-fuck-other-women steam without actually
fucking other women. If your boyfriend can go to a strip club
without blowing your rent money, and is considerate enough
to keep you in the dark about it, well, is it really that
awful? There are times when two people have to suspend their
disbelief and pretend their partners are the people they would
like them to be. Call it being functionally dysfunctional:
If your boyfriend is willing to pretend he doesn’t go to strip
clubs, you should, for the good of your relationship, be willing
to pretend that your boyfriend doesn’t go to strip clubs,
too.
Pregnant women sexually excite me.
Are there any escort services or massage parlors that cater
to men who love mothers-to-be?
—B.C.
Hey,
B.C.
There aren’t massage parlors or escort services that specialize
in mothers-to-be—think of the staff turnover!—but female escorts
and erotic masseuses do, like other women, find themselves
pregnant from time to time. Your best bet is to call around,
letting your local escort services and houses of ill-massage
know you’re interested in a sexually exciting pregnant woman.
If they’ve got one on staff, or one on maternity leave, maybe
they can set you up.
Send
your Savage Love questions to
mail@savagelove.net
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