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I
am a 22-year-old virgin going to college in Texas. I have
never had a girlfriend (from a stupid foreign culture, my
mom doesn’t allow dating, etc.) and will wind up in an arranged
marriage in two years. What point is there for me to get in
a relationship when I’m destined for an arranged marriage?
But I’m still horny. Sometimes I see girls on campus who are
either disabled or burn victims and what not. They are the
kind of girls no guy would want to have sex with. I am sure
they know this and that it makes them feel sad and desperate.
I want to help them. I can’t get into a relationship with
them; the only thing I can offer is sex. But how do I do that?
It has to be discrete; my mom can’t even get a hint of anything.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want to help those girls
no one else wants to touch and have some fun while I’m at
it. Do you think all this is possible?
—Disabled
Chicks Will Do
If
anyone on your campus is sad and desperate, DCWD, it’s a certain
22-year-old virgin who lives in terror of his mother. Compared
to that guy, the disabled women and burn victims on
your campus are as far from sad and pathetic as humans get.
But, hey, what do I know? I’m an able-bodied (as of this writing),
non-burn victim (ditto), not-scared-of-my-mommy faggot. For
the disabled girl perspective on your willingness to “help
those girls no one else wants to touch,” I passed your letter
on to Erin Lewy, an activist and writer who conducts research
in disability, identity, and sexuality. Erin has been the
webmaster of disabledsex.org since January of 2001, where
she moderates discussion groups on the topic of disability
and sexuality.
“I
think I speak for a great many disabled women when I say that
we are unimpressed with DCWD,” Erin told me. “I have a very
visible disability, and yet I have been called beautiful,
intelligent, and amazing, and I have had no shortage of partners
and potential partners in my life.” According to Erin, disabled
people are not interested in pity fucks. “Disabled people,
women or otherwise, actively seek true affection and love
just like other people,” she said. “Fortunately for us, there
are men and women out there who are actually willing to treat
us as the intelligent, funny, amazing, beautiful people that
we are.”
As for your familial predicament, DCWD, Erin agreed with me:
If anyone on your campus is sad, pathetic, and desperate,
it’s you. “The whole ‘Please don’t tell my mommy!’ thing is
a hoot,” Erin said. “DCWD may be able-bodied, and he may pity
me and the disabled girls he sees on campus—well, I pity DCWD.
But, still, I won’t give him any advice on how to approach
these women, because they are better off without him in their
lives and the mother that comes attached at his hip. Good
luck in your arranged marriage, DCWD, because you’re going
to need it.”
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The other day, I was at the Laundromat
when this good-looking guy walked by. I looked up, saw him
and got a boner! That night I went out with a couple guys
for beers and HE was there! I watched him all evening and
he periodically looked at me and smiled! I was about to say
hi to him when he joined his friends and started to use sign
language! The guy is deaf! My friends tell me that deaf guys
make wonderful lovers but that learning sign language is difficult.
The only sign I know is “fuck.” How do you approach someone
that is deaf? How hard is communication? And what about sex?
—Lusting
for Deaf Guy
“Never
approach a deaf person and say, ‘I know this sign. . . .’
and then make the sign for fuck,” advised Zookie, the editor
of FLASH, a zine for deaf queers (FLASH can
be found at deafqueer.org). “Would you walk up to a hearing
person and say that?” With signing “fuck” at the deaf hotty
off the table, what’s the best way to approach him? “He should
write ‘Hi! My name is BLANK. What’s your name?’ on a piece
of paper,” Zookie told me. “As for communication, a lot depends
on the deaf individual. Some of us can talk well, some of
us can’t, and some fall in between. It may take a lot of patience
to be with a deaf person, but remember that for a deaf person
it takes a lot of patience with a hearing person.” And what
about sex? “What about it? We all do pretty much the same
things as you all do. Except hear.”
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I’m a guy in my early 20s, nearing
a four-year anniversary dating a girl my age. We recently
spent about five months apart, and in that time, I consented
for her to “see other people.” Upon reuniting, she and I seemed
back in the swing of things, tight, happy. The only loose
end was the make-out buddy she had taken in my absence. She
went to dinner with him, intending to break it off. She confessed
to me two days later that she wound up back at his place,
where she sucked him off and slept over. I feel like stepped-on
dogshit, but she has apologized profusely and says she “didn’t
mean for it to happen.”
Is there any such thing as an accidental blowjob? And what
would you estimate is the recidivism rate for this sort of
thing? With Christmas at her parents’ place fast approaching,
a prompt response would be appreciated.
—Gone
Unless This Situation Heals Over Time
I
had another letter with a disability theme lined up but GUTSHOT
needed a prompt response, so . . . . the woman out there who
can’t bring herself to dump the blind guy she’s been dating
will just have to wait.
You’re right, GUTSHOT, there’s no such thing as an accidental
blowjob. But when your girlfriend says she “didn’t mean for
it to happen,” she doesn’t mean she tripped and fell and gave
her make-out buddy a blowjob. She means she didn’t go to see
him with a malice-of- forethought blowjob on her mind. She
wasn’t planning to suck him off. Nevertheless, at some point
she made a conscious decision to do just that. And for that
she can be faulted, and for that she sounds truly sorry.
I think there are three very good reasons why you should forgive
the girlfriend and stay with her: First, you like this girl
a lot. Second, this isn’t a clear-cut case of cheating. You
gave her permission to “see other people,” and she did just
that. The blowjob in question wasn’t given on impulse to a
stranger she met in the mall. It was a farewell blowjob given
to someone she was seeing with your consent and approval.
Finally, if and when you find yourself on the receiving end
of a blowjob that doesn’t involve your girlfriend, well, I
would advise you to keep your mouth shut. But if she does
discover that you’ve cheated on her, you can slap your get-out-of-blowjob-free
card on the table. Remind her that you forgave her when she
blew her make-out buddy and she’ll feel obligated to forgive
you—provided, of course, that your cheatin’ blowjob didn’t
involve her sister, mother, or best friend.
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Dan
Savage’s new book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah (Dutton),
is on sale now. Send your Savage Love questions to mail@savagelove.net
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