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I
was watching Dr. Phil on television the other day with
my wife. He was talking to a woman who discovered, after marrying
her husband, that he was a cross-dresser, or at least, had
cross-dressing tendencies. Dr. Phil counseled the woman to
leave the man because of his “perversion,” and told her that
no one could ever be sexually satisfied with a cross-dresser
for a husband because he would always be masturbating while
wearing her underwear, and so on, instead of sexually pleasing
her. Mind you, the woman had three kids with this guy so obviously
they got it on occasionally, and she actually didn’t say that
they didn’t have sex, only that he had brought up the idea
of wearing her clothes and she was repulsed. Then he got the
husband on the phone and yelled at him for being dishonest.
From reading your column for a long time, I was under the
impression that lots of people with fetishes live happy, productive,
sexually fulfilling lives. Just because something turns someone
on doesn’t mean that nothing else turns them on, does it?
If I like blowjobs and my wife doesn’t, does that mean we
are sexually incompatible? How is this different? Or is Dr.
Phil just projecting?
—Perverts
and Nylon Tights
As
the mental image of a cross-dressed Dr. Phil is too horrible
to contemplate, let’s assume he isn’t projecting. Besides,
it’s more likely Dr. Phil is simply doing what daytime TV
talk show hosts are paid the big bucks to do: Tell women in
the audience exactly what they want to hear. In this case,
he’s telling the wife of a cross-dresser and, by extension,
all the wives of all the cross-dressers watching at home that
their husbands are dishonest perverts, that the wives are
wronged innocents, and that their husbands’ ho-hum sexual
fetish is grounds for divorce.
Yes, yes: In an ideal world people would make a full disclosure
of their secret sexual fetishes before getting married and
making babies. But most straight people with “shameful” sexual
fetishes deny and suppress them for years in what almost always
proves to be a futile attempt to control and deny their sexual
desires and live “normal” lives. (Out gay people, as a rule,
don’t suppress their kinks. Compared to a desire for same-sex
sex and love, a desire for leather, dress socks, stuffed animals,
spankings, piss, Ashton Kutcher, etc., just isn’t that scary.)
Eventually straight guys with fetishes realize that it’s impossible
to suppress their sexual fantasies and then make the difficult
decision to tell the wife.
And why do straight guys with bizarre sexual fantasies and
fetishes try keep them secret? Why do they suppress them?
Hide them from their potential mates? Because of people like
Dr. Phil.
It’s the Dr. Phils of this world who run around telling people
that anyone with a sexual fantasy wilder than whip cream on
the wife’s nipples is a freak. It’s the Dr. Phils who spread
the lie that people with wild sexual fantasies are not interested
in “normal” sexual activity, no matter how much “normal” sexual
activity they’ve had in their long lives. It’s the Dr. Phils
who tell women with small children that the discovery of a
run-of-the-mill sexual fetish is grounds for divorce.
Gee, color me Bill Bennett, but it seems to me that the damage
of divorce for all involved (especially kids!) is so great
that the wife of a cross-dresser might want to take a stab
at accepting or accommodating her husband’s fetish before
filing for divorce. And perhaps the woman on Dr. Phil’s show
might have gone there if the not-so-good doctor took the trouble
to do a little research before he stuck his big, bald head
up his big, white ass. (Which he did right there on television,
which is kinda perverse, don’t you think?) Then Dr. Phil could’ve
told her that cross-dressing is a common fetish among straight
men, and that most cross-dressers are only interested in indulging
themselves from time to time. Dr. Phil could’ve told her that
most cross-dressers are capable of having normal sexual relations
with their wives. He also could’ve told her that there are
numerous support groups, books, and internet chat rooms for
the wives of cross-dressers.
And he could’ve told her that while it may not be pleasant
to contemplate her husband in women’s clothes (where is it
written that he has to wear her clothes?), there’s no reason
she has to contemplate it all the time. If she can give her
husband permission to indulge on his own during solo masturbation
sessions, and if his occasional indulgence takes nothing away
from their shared sex life, she should be encouraged not to
dwell on the whole husband-in-panties issue.
 |
I’m hoping you have some ideas on
this one, because I’m fresh out. I got pregnant back in June—intentionally,
and very happily, with my husband of almost five years. The
getting pregnant part was great, but since then, he’s been
totally uninterested in sex. There are no medical reasons
why we can’t be intimate. I’ve asked my husband about it and
he doesn’t want to talk. I’ve passed along books and articles
about how sex during pregnancy is a good and healthy thing
that won’t hurt the baby. I’ve approached him while naked
or suggestively wrapped in a towel (sexy underwear doesn’t
really come in maternity sizes), I’ve snuggled up to him when
he comes to bed and in the morning when we wake up, I’ve told
him how much I love him and want to be intimate, and the only
result I’ve gotten is that he comes to bed after I’ve gone
to sleep and leaps out of bed when the alarm goes off.
This morning I finally managed to lure him back under the
sheets (for the first time in almost a month!) and after he’d
gotten me off he got up and left, telling me I should be happy
because he’d given me, “what [I] wanted.” Well, hell, that’s
not what I want—I want us to enjoy each other before we get
completely overwhelmed with kid stuff! I’m tired and frustrated
and hurt. I don’t understand what his problem is and I’m afraid
that he’ll keep behaving this way after the baby’s born, which
is not going to make for a happy marriage. Aside from the
sex thing I feel very close to him, but, well, “the sex thing”
is kind of a biggie.
—Momma
Violates Poppa?
In
the spirit of telling women what they don’t want to
hear:
Has it occurred to you, MVP, that your husband might not be
attracted to you at the moment? While there’s no medical reason
you can’t be having sex right now, there are men out there
who simply aren’t attracted to their wives’ pregnant bodies
and/or men who can’t quite get past the “presence” of their
unborn children. If your husband isn’t attracted to your body
right now or is turned off by the thought of his unborn child
floating in a pool of daddy’s semen, there’s nothing books
and articles and nudity and towels and advice columns can
do about it.
So what do you do? Accept the fact that your husband isn’t
up for sex at this time and take comfort in the thought that
your sex life will return to normal once the baby comes. (Yes,
yes: you’ll be busy when the baby comes, but resourceful couples
can always carve out time for sex—and you sound pretty resourceful,
MVP.) In the meantime, throw away the books and the articles
and stop waltzing around the house naked. If that stuff hasn’t
worked yet, well, it’s not going to work at all. And you’re
unlikely to get any physical intimacy out of him—no cuddling,
no lingering in the morning—if he feels like every move you
make is an attempt to initiate sex.
So tell your husband that nothing is expected of him over
the next few months but that you do need to be held and that
you need a certain amount of physical intimacy for the remainder
of your pregnancy. He may not want to have sex but it’s cruel
to deny you any physical intimacy at all. Once he feels like
you’re no longer trying to initiate sex every time you come
near him (at a time he fears he won’t be able to perform),
perhaps he’ll start coming to bed before you go to sleep and
linger a bit longer in the morning. There. It’s answers like
that one that will prevent me from ever having a daytime TV
talk show of my own.
Send
your Savage Love questions to mail@savagelove.net
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