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I
have sex toys that I’ve only used once or twice. I can’t return
them, but I can’t bring myself to throw them away. Is there
a second hand market?
—Waste
Not, Want Orgasm
“Sadly,
there is no official sex toy exchange,” said Dr. Carol Queen,
staff sexologist at Good Vibrations in San Francisco. “Many
people wouldn’t patronize it even if there were. Only a few
sex toy materials (the most notable being silicone) can be
cleaned thoroughly enough to pass on to a stranger. I’d think
nothing of accepting a silicone dildo a lover had used, so
if you have partners, maybe there’s swap potential—but sex
toys made of more porous materials (like jelly and vinyl)
might best be recycled as doorstops.”
I like to jack off with something
up my ass. Unfortunately, I can’t order a butt plug online
because my college roommate is a Christian. He would go into
a preaching marathon if a package from a sex shop arrived.
Can any household items do double duty as butt plugs?
—Ass
Lover Oppressed by Religion
“Have
you ever thought of getting a P.O. box?” says Ellen Barnard,
owner of A Woman’s Touch, a sex-toy shop in Madison, Wisc.,
where she often sells sex toys to college students. If you’re
too chicken to do even that, Ellen says your kitchen is a
good source of double-duty plugs. “You can carve a sweet potato
into a plug—but don’t forget to carve a flared base and be
sure to put a condom over it. Or use the handle of a potato
masher, a knife sharpener, or anything else that has a flange
or flared base so that you don’t loose it inside yourself
and wind up in the E.R.”
I surprised my wife with a vibrator
and now she thinks I’m a pervert. Aren’t sex toys a normal
part of many relationships?
—Looking
to Sell a Vibrator
“Trying
to pleasure your wife with a vibrator does not qualify
you as a pervert!” says Searah Deysach, owner of Early to
Bed, a sex-toy shop in Chicago. “However, I usually recommend
talking to your partner before you whip out a new sex toy
because the element of surprise can work against you. Perhaps
if your wife knew what was coming, she wouldn’t have freaked
out.”
I bought a vibrator to use with my
now ex-girlfriend. Can I use it with my next girlfriend? Or
do I have to buy a new vibrator every time I get a new girlfriend?
—Electro
“If
your toy is made of a non-absorbent material such as silicone,
acrylic, glass, or hard plastic,” says Shelley Taylor of Venus
Envy, a sex-toy store in Halifax, Nova Scotia, “then a thorough
washing with hot, soapy water should suffice. I would discard
any toy made of latex, jelly or cyberskin, as they’re not
meant for sharing.”
Is it possible to have a vibrator
and penis in a cunt at the same time?
—Love
Vibrating Cock
“There
is no vibrator designed to fit over a penis and into a woman,”
says Claire Cavanah of Toys in Babeland, a sex-toy store with
locations in Seattle and New York City. “But don’t despair!
A new breed of vibrating cock ring can buzz the clitoris during
intercourse.” But if what you want is a vibrator and
a cock inside you at the same time, Claire suggests you find
a very slim vibrator. “Then ask him to hold the vibrator and
his penis together like a little bundle of sticks, and put
both of them inside you—but go slow and use plenty of lube.”
It has come to my attention, Mr.
Savage, that you promised to give Katie a Hitachi Magic Wand.
You owe her the Wand, Mr. Savage. It is conduct unbecoming
an advice columnist to promise prizes to your readers and
then not to give them.
—Do
the Right Thing
Alert
readers have probably noticed that every answer in this week’s
column is given by women who sell sex toys for a living. This
is not a coincidence. It’s my way of introducing the Supreme
Court of Sex Toy Retailers, aka Carol, Ellen, Searah, Shelley
and Claire. I’ve called this court into session to settle
a dispute about a sex toy. While I would normally handle sex-toy
disputes myself, my personal involvement in this dispute makes
it impossible for me to be impartial.
Katie is a Savage Love reader who believes—erroneously, in
my opinion—that I owe her a Hitachi Magic Wand, a sort of
industrial-strength vibrator. Katie has created a Web site
(www.magicwand4katie.com), and has been encouraging people
like DTRT to e-mail me. As you can read on Katie’s Web site,
I did once promise her a Magic Wand. Such a promise is not
out of character for me: I have taken select Savage Love readers
on trips, and given others gift certificates, $5 bills, and
steak knives. Why do I do this? Because I have a warm feeling
inside for my readers. And every once in a while out of the
goodness of my heart—and out of my own pocket—I like to give
a reader a present.
So I told Katie that I would bring her present to a reading
in New York City. Tragically, I spaced and forgot to bring
the vibrator. Katie was extremely unpleasant, rude, and obnoxious
about my oversight. In short, Katie’s conduct was unbecoming
of a woman who was being given a gift, however belatedly.
After meeting Katie, I no longer had warm feelings for her.
On her Web site, Katie insists that we have a contract and
that I must give her a Magic Wand. I disagree: We never had
a contract. Even if we did, I would argue that our “contract”
was rendered null and void by Katie’s behavior at our first
and only meeting. In so far as my promises were grounded in
my warm feelings for Katie, and in so far as my warm feelings
for Katie were grounded in her apparent “niceness,” I am of
the opinion that I am relieved and discharged from the onus
of our supposed “contract,” as Katie’s boorish behavior constituted
an anticipatory repudiation of her solemn binding contractual
obligations to me, ipso facto relieving me from all obligations
to Katie. Or so my lawyer tells me.
But since it’s impossible for me to be impartial on this matter
I’ve gone to the trouble of assembling the Supreme Court of
Sex Toy Retailers. The five justices will visit Katie’s Web
site this week, confer, and then issue a verdict. Their decision
will be final, and I pledge to abide by it. So do I owe Katie
the Magic Wand? Or should Katie fuck off? The Supreme Court
ruling is expected next week.
mail@savagelove.net
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