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I’m
a chick with a desire to be punched. I want a black eye, you
see. My boyfriend won’t do it because he has this hang-up
about “beating” his girlfriend. But he did give me permission
to ask my best male friend if he would punch me. My friend
said yes, if I got him drunk enough. But once he was drunk
he couldn’t do it. Any suggestions for a girl who wants some
satisfaction and a black eye? Makeup won’t cut it.
—Just
Punch Me
Too
many black eyes, JPM, can give a girl brain damage. But if
it turns you on, it turns you on.
Since your boyfriend won’t go there and your best friend wimped
out, why not give yourself a black eye? The ol’ battered-wife-covering-up-for-her-abuser
excuse (“I walked into a door”) is a cliché, I realize, but
it really works! (I walked into a door once and wound up with
two black, bruised and swollen eyes.) So get yourself drunk,
JPM, open all the doors in your house, and run from room to
room with your eyes closed until—wham!—you get some satisfaction.
I
like to suck the snot out of my wife’s nose when we’re having
sex. Is there a name for this “move?”
—Taste
O’ Phlegm
This
“move” is called “mucophagy,” TOP, and here’s the skinny on
your icky fetish from Brenda Love’s exhaustive and exhausting
Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices: “Consuming nasal
mucosa is done as a matter of course in nasolingus. Others
may engage in mucophagy because of the implied self degradation,
or simply the novelty of it. Like consumption of other body
secretions, mucophagy can be used to demonstrate total acceptance
and love of a partner.”
I am a 23-year-old straight male.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for nine months. I love her and
share everything with her. Almost. I have this gross kink.
I like to be peed on. I really, really get off on it, though,
and it would be so cool if she would do it to me. How do I
bring up the subject without scaring her off?
—All
Dried Up
All
successful kinky people—folks who get to do their kinks—have
something you currently lack, ADU: balls. Yes, it’s scary
to tell someone you’re kinky. Yes, telling your girlfriend
you want her to pee on you might scare her off. But if she’s
not willing to pee on you, ADU, why not scare her off?
You won’t be happy with a girl who won’t go there—and by “there”
I mean “to the tub”—and if she’s too grossed-out to squat
over the man she loves and let it rip, well, then she’s not
the girl for you, is she?
I’m a young, attractive straight
female. I have no problem meeting guys. However, I like to
wear diapers. Ideally, I’d like to date a guy who likes diapers
too. I’ve tried to meet diaper guys online, and the results
have been pretty abysmal, i.e., too far away or lame personality
or unemployed or old. Any tips on the best way to go about
this?
—Pamper
Me
Considering
the numbers of e-mails I get from guys with odd kinks they’d
like to have indulged—guys like ADU, above—your best bet,
PM, is to broaden your search. If you can find a guy whose
fetish has an “eew” factor similar to your own—like, say,
a guy into piss—then you should be able to make a deal: If
piss-guy indulges you, diaper-girl will indulge him. Since
there are way more piss-guys out there than diaper-guys, broadening
your search to include piss-guys might help you find one who
isn’t far away, lame, unemployed, or old.
After several gentle conversations
I have finally gotten my fiancé to share his fantasy with
me. He wants to have sex on the top of a bunk bed. He says
he likes the idea of a restricted space and our bodies being
really close. We don’t own a bunk bed but I really want to
make it come true for him. Do you have any ideas or suggestions?
—Bride-to-Be
Your
fiancé wants to have sex in a “restricted space” with your
bodies “really close.” So where and how were you having sex
before his big confession? In the middle a football field
with you in one end zone and him in the other?
I’m sorry, BTB, but your fiancé is not into bunk-bed
sex. He’s lying to you, dumbass. No one with a fantasy life
that dull requires “several gentle conversations” to draw
him out! There’s nothing in the least bit shameful, gross,
freaky, or repulsive about sex in a bed, bunk or otherwise.
Therefore there’s only one conclusion we can draw from your
boyfriend’s big confession: he’s hiding something.
The first few times you engaged him in gentle conversation,
he stalled and hemmed and hawed and you dropped the subject.
If he didn’t have any fantasies, he would’ve said so. But
he didn’t say that, did he? So he clearly has some fantasies,
BTB, fantasies he was too ashamed to reveal. Then when it
became clear that you wouldn’t stop pestering him until he
told you something, he made something up. Something safe.
Something innocuous. Something that wouldn’t scare you off.
Something like, oh, “I wanna have sex in a bunk bed.” Something
that, if it were true, he would’ve told you during that
first gentle conversation.
What your fiancé really wants, BTB, is to be peed on or to
suck the snot out of your nose or to blacken your eyes or
to wear diapers. Or all at once. Or worse. But, hey, have
sex in a bunk bed, if you think he’s telling you the truth.
You can order a cheap one from Ikea and fuck on it until it
falls apart—about three fucks should do it. But consider yourself
warned: He’s hiding something, something big, and you might
want to find out what it is before you marry bunk-bed boy.
Finally: The Supreme Court of Sex Toy Retailers issued a ruling
in Katie vs. Dan two weeks ago. I planned on devoting an entire
column to the ruling—and to the many letters, pro-Katie and
con-Katie, that I received—but one of the judges leaked the
ruling to Katie, and the decision has been up on her Web site
(magicwand4katie.com) for more than a week. Suffice it to
say, Katie is getting her damn vibrator—but not from me. The
Supreme Court has decided to provide Katie with a Magic Wand
themselves because they admire any woman willing to go after
what she wants sexually. (So let it never be said that blackmail
and bad manners don’t pay.) Much thanks to the Supremes: Claire
Cavanah of Toys in Babeland in New York City and Seattle (www.babeland.com);
Carol Queen of Good Vibrations in San Francisco (www.good
vibes.com); Ellen Barnard of A Woman’s Touch in Madison, Wis.
(www.touchofawoman.com); Searah Deysach of Early to Bed in
Chicago (www.early2bed.com); and Shelley Taylor of Venus Envy
in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and Ottawa, Ontario (www.venusenvy.ns.ca).
mail@savagelove.net
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