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My
boyfriend doesn’t like snowballing, which I’m fine with, however,
he won’t even kiss me after oral sex even if I’ve already
swallowed. I feel like he sees me as dirty or nasty when he
refuses to kiss me after oral sex. He says he wouldn’t ask
me to do something I don’t want to do so I shouldn’t ask him
to kiss me after I get him off with my mouth. I told him that
I’m not going to give him oral sex if he won’t kiss me after
it’s over. He says that’s fine. I am so annoyed by this. Am
I being unreasonable?
—San
Francisco Fan
First
things first: Some of my very young, very old, or very sheltered
readers (hello there, mom) are no doubt asking themselves,
“What is this snowballing shit?” Well, simply kissing someone
who’s just finished giving you head isn’t snowballing. That’s
just gratitude, appropriately expressed. When a couple snowballs,
the person giving (PG) head doesn’t swallow after the person
receiving (PR) head comes. Instead, the PG retains the semen
in his or her mouth and then kisses PR. As they kiss, the
PG passes the wad of semen into the PR’s mouth. Yes, I know:
Yuck. But it’s not over. The PR, his mouth filled with
his own come, passes his come back into the PG’s mouth, who
passes it back into the PR’s mouth, who passes it back into
the PG’s mouth—and back and forth the wad of semen goes, mixing
with more and more saliva, the wad getting bigger and bigger
with each pass—snowballing, get it?—until either the PG or
the PR decides to swallow or spit or one of the other or both
of them drowns. Yes, mother: Yuck.
Back to you, SFF: Your boyfriend’s reluctance to snowball
is completely understandable for reasons of, well, yuck. As
for his reluctance to kiss you after he comes in your mouth,
well, that’s a common, low-grade straight-boy phobia. He fears
that a single taste of his own semen will either turn him
gay or cause you to doubt his professed heterosexuality. And,
of course, he could be one of those non-homophobic straight
guys with no fear of induced or perceived homosexuality who
simply doesn’t like the taste of his own come on your tongue
or the smell of his own crotchstank on your face.
What to do? Don’t blow this out of proportion. Har. Har. Har.
Eliminating oral sex from your routine seems an extreme reaction
to a relatively common and easily-accommodated sexual hangup/matter
of personal taste. You might try asking him if a quick swig
of water or juice—enough to wash away his doomed DNA and its
bitter aftertaste—would set his mind at ease. If it does,
keep a bottle of something next to the bed. With any luck
he’ll feel silly watching you gargle, and learn to love kissing
your come-flavored piehole—I mean, learn to love showing his
gratitude.
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My
wife and I are pretty adventurous and impulsive, which sometimes
leads to having sex in public. We are careful to make sure
there are only adults around when we have some fun. But, man,
there are some uptight adults in Orange County! We were going
at it outside a bar in Laguna Beach when a couple in their
40s walked by. The look of horror on the woman’s face was
unbelievable as she watched my wife swallowing my sword. The
guy was a bit better but not by much. What do you think, can
most adults in OC turn coal into diamonds when inserted in
their asses or what?
—Horny
Open Twosome
People
don’t come much more sexually adventurous than me, HOT. I’ll
bet you anything you like that I could beat your ass at a
game of “Can You Top This?” But you know what? I wouldn’t
want to watch your wife swallow your sword any more than that
poor woman outside that bar.
Like a lot of sexually adventurous exhibitionists, HOT, you
flatter yourself. You’re hip and open and free, and everyone
in Orange County is square and repressed. Bullshit. That someone
doesn’t want to watch your wife choke on your cock is not
evidence that she’s sexually repressed, just as your willingness
to involve other people in your sexual games is not proof
that you’re sexually adventurous. It’s only proof that you’re
an asshole. Public sex is all well and good, and the risk
of getting caught can be a thrill. But going at it someplace
where you’re sure to be seen is rude and presumptuous. Maybe
that couple outside the bar were in the middle of a fight.
Maybe they were coming from a friend’s funeral. Or, hey, maybe
you and the wife aren’t all that much to look at.
To sum up: Just because you get off on being seen doesn’t
mean everyone else on earth is obligated to get off on seeing
you. If you really want people to watch your wife suck your
dick, make some amateur porn and let ’em rent the video.
OK
Dan, here’s one for you: I don’t know what to do. I’ve got
a crush on the Tim Hortons guy! Ok, so I’m a down-to-earth,
normal fag like all the rest. I’ve had my fun, tried some
stuff: I’ve been pissed on, been in orgies, worn leather,
you know, all the regular stuff. But what do I do now? He
works at Tim Hortons!
—Montreal
Queer
First,
for my readers in the United States, Europe, Asia and on our
ships at sea: Tim Hortons is an iconic chain of doughnut and
coffee places in Canada. Picture a Starbucks/Krispy Kreme
hybrid. Now, MQ, why don’t you just ask the Tim Hortons guy
out on a date? Or is an old, tired, been-there/fucked-that
slut like you too good for a guy who works in a coffee shop?
And while we’re on the subject of hitting on coffee-shop workers.
. . .
What were you thinking when you advised a 40-year-old guy
to tell a 20-year-old barista about his sexual feelings for
her? I was thinking about writing you to complain when a barista
who works in the coffeehouse I run informed me that a man
told her he had written the letter about her! Gross! Who wants
to serve someone while possessing the knowledge that he “spends
way too much time thinking about exploding his rocket all
over her”?!
Let
me clarify things for people with crushes on baristas: People
get crushes on customer-service workers all the time. Think
what a hellish existence they would have if everyone with
a crush felt compelled to let them know about it. I don’t
care if there’s a war on—keep it to yourself. If you are one
of the people considering making this bold move, please do
everyone a favor and don’t. Print my letter, Dan, because
I have a hunch that hundreds of men around the country have
told hundreds of baristas that they wrote that letter in Savage
Love. Sign me . . .
—Start
Telling Annoying Retards Baristas Unlikely Conquests, Knowing
Savage
Thanks
for sharing, STARBUCKS.
Next Week: Tons of advice for FAG, the 15-year-old sex-slave
wannabe with the 38-year-old wannabe master.
mail@savagelove.net
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