got married young (I’m 22 now). Within six months of the wedding,
my wife put on 50 pounds, stopped wearing makeup, and decided
that she would no longer engage in any sex act besides vaginal,
missionary intercourse. She will accept oral sex, but refuses
to return the favor. When we were dating, she did all sorts
of delightful things and put a lot more effort into her personal
appearance. Can you say “bait and switch?” In other respects,
the relationship is fine, so I don’t want a divorce. I’ve
talked to her about the problem of her becoming a frigid cow
(phrased more kindly that that) and she doesn’t seem to care.
My question is this; if I have sex with other people, am I
just an asshole, or is it justified in light of my being swindled?
Did the Love Go?
person your wife was before you married—physically fit, sexually
adventurous—was a lie, a disguise, a person she pretended
to be in order to land a husband. The sad irony in all of
this is that she could have been herself—obese, no make-up,
a block of ice in the sack—and landed a man who was actually
into women who are heavy, blotchy, and boring-in-bed. Instead,
she misled you, and now you find yourself married to someone
you wouldn’t have married had she been honest with you about
who she really was. Since she cheated you, WDTLG, it’s enough
to justify cheating her by cheating on her. Still, I would
encourage you to get a nice, honest divorce as quickly as
possible before you start banging other women. You’re only
22 years old, for crying out loud—you don’t really have any
business being married at all.
was in a relationship for nine months with a gay guy who accessed
my bank account, stole my credit cards and started several
accounts in my name—all of which will probably take me over
a year to pay off. I dumped him. I consider myself a relationship-oriented
guy and used to enjoy monogamy, cuddling, and intimacy, but
when I look at my relationship history I see several guys
with mental problems, drug addictions, etc. that basically
treated me like crap even though I am educated, stable, good-looking,
and honest. So now, I’m finding I can’t trust my own judgment
at all when it comes to meeting guys, which makes it extremely
difficult to meet or date guys, since all my friends are basically
coupled up. What the hell am I supposed to do now that I can’t
even trust myself?
in San Diego
Johnson observed that a second marriage is the triumph of
hope over experience. You didn’t marry this guy, of course;
you can’t get married because you’re not lucky enough to live
in Canada, Holland, or Belgium. (And considering what a shit
this guy was, thank God you couldn’t marry him.) Still, if
you do want to find a guy to settle down with eventually you
will have to let hope triumph. Yes, you’ve had some bad experiences—awful,
from the sounds of things—but every relationship ends until
you find yourself in the one that doesn’t. So you really need
to keep having relationships if you want to find the one that
lasts. Given your track record, however, I’d urge you to involve
your coupled-up friends in your love life—platonically speaking,
of course—and rely on their evidently sounder abilities to
Finally . . . um . . . and in conclusion . . . ahem . . .
shit . . . I’m actually kinda reluctant to say this out loud,
but . . .
On average, gay men tend to be more fucked than straight men.
Being gay and closeted and going through puberty and coming
out and dealing with the family bullshit and the religious
bullshit and the societal bullshit—that can be hugely traumatic.
Some gay men never recover. When I was young and single, MISD,
I regarded myself and my fellow gay men as battle-scarred
Vietnam veterans. Are all Vietnam vets fucked up? Are they
all drug-abusing mental cases who treat their lovers like
crap? No, of course not. But they do tend to be fucked-up
at slightly higher rates than non-Vietnam Vets—at least in
the movies—and people who date Vietnam vets need to keep this
in mind and be on the lookout for any signs that the vet they’re
dating is one of the fucked-up ones.
mom taught me that striking a woman is something that you
just don’t do under any circumstances. However, while I was
being intimate with a female coworker, I made a joke that
she reacted to quite negatively. She is a very loud, chatty
person by nature and while she was performing oral sex on
me I said, “I finally found a way to shut you up!” She proceeded
to bite my penis very hard, on the side, corn-cob style. It
hurt so much that I reflexively slapped her. I was trying
to get my penis out from between her teeth! Needless to say
she left immediately and things have been icy at work. I feel
awful that I hit a woman, Dan, but she drew blood! Do I owe
her an apology?
you don’t owe her an apology. While I generally agree with
your mother—men shouldn’t strike women—all bets are off when
a woman bites down on a man’s penis so hard that she draws
blood. I imagine your mother didn’t anticipate this particular
circumstance when she taught you not to strike a woman. It’s
too bad your mother didn’t teach you not to make jokes at
the expense of a person who happens to have your penis between
dated this girl about a year and a half ago, and ended up
breaking it off because she smoked too much weed. I was about
a year sober at the time and the look in her eye when she
was stoned, plus the nasty bong-water taste in her mouth,
killed it for me. She has since come back into my life but
she is still smoking up. I don’t think dating her again is
a danger to my sobriety, but I still have my reservations
about being with someone who gets stoned. Here’s the kicker:
She is perfect in every other way. She is sweet, affectionate,
intelligent, hard working, a freak in the sack and
she’s got a hot body. What should I do?
to the lies peddled by the feds, pot is not addictive, it’s
not a “gateway” drug, and most people who smoke marijuana
regularly as teenagers and young adults stop smoking pot in
their mid- to late-20s. So, NA, odds are better that this
perfect-in-every-other-way girl won’t be a pothead forever.
And when she gets bored with pot and stops smoking up, you’ll
be with a sweet, affectionate, intelligent, hard-working,
stone-cold sober freak in the sack. If she really is
perfect in every other way, NA, why not hang in there?