Readers: I’m on vacation. I’m actually sitting on the beach
as I write these words, knocking back margaritas and watching
my boyfriend’s tan lines come in. But you know what? I’m still
thinking about you and your problems. I’m always thinking
about you and your problems—and isn’t that just like me? While
I may get two weeks off during the summer, I know your problems
don’t take two weeks off. So despite being on vacation, despite
my impaired state, and despite my boyfriend’s tan lines, I’m
still here to help.
But I was mindful of the fact that I would be writing this
column in an impaired state—it’s only 11 AM and I’m on margarita,
let me see, margarita number five? So a few weeks ago I began
banking DTMFA letters. Not only are DTMFAs the most common
letters advice columnists receive (we have to be careful not
to let our columns fill up with DTMFAs), but DTMFAs are also
the easiest ones to answer. It’s hard to fuck up a response
to a DTMFA—it’s damned near impossible, actually. Any idiot
could answer DTMFA letters—in his sleep, smashed on tequila,
high on crack, whatever. But the people who sent in the letters
below didn’t ask just any idiot. They asked this idiot.
For the last three and a half years,
I have been in a semi-relationship with someone I met when
he just got out of rehab. I stayed while he relapsed, went
to prison, and went back through rehab. He’s relapsed again.
When I try to leave, he tells me he needs me for stability
or else he’ll end up dead. I am emotionally and financially
drained. Am I addicted to him? Or am I just completely stupid?
not completely stupid, ATL, since you had the sense to ask
someone to tell you to Dump The MotherFucker Already! (DTMFA!)
Trust me, the asshole won’t end up dead. Like all user/addict/asshole/bastards,
your dumped motherfucker will quickly find some other fool
to use and abuse. DTMFA!
I went snooping in my longterm girlfriend’s
inbox and found that she is a member of an Internet matchmaking
service. Her profile was searching for men within 25 miles
of her city. I currently live 600 miles from her city. While
I am out of sight, is she looking? We’ve been together for
18 months and this profile was set up 139 days ago. Do I have
a right to bring it up since I was snooping? She did give
me the password to her inbox, practically daring me to go
there. The larger issue here is that she has told me that
she cheated on every one of her serious boyfriends. According
to her I am “different,” so she wouldn’t dream about cheating
on me, but can I believe that shit?
Know This Is Boring
told you she’s cheated on all her boyfriends, she’s currently
advertising her ass online, and she gave you her fucking password
so that you would find out about it! What does she have to
do? Send you a fucking videotape? DTMFA, IKTIB, DTMFA!
I’ve fallen in love with the man
I want to spend the rest of my life with. We’ve been together
for a year and a half. I’m having some doubts about his honesty.
We planned our first vacation, just the two of us. Somehow
it ends up that his buddy is going with us. I work four nights
a week, which he usually spends with his buddy. He has now
started spending some nights I don’t work with his buddy.
Also, I’ve found he has been on my computer many times looking
at gay porn on the Internet. When we have sex we are very
creative and experimental, but we only have sex three or four
times a month. When I try to initiate sex more often he gets
giggly and pushes me away. When I asked, he strongly denied
having any gay feelings. Are my suspicions out of line or
is he keeping secrets?
Real Explanations Without Lies
he keeping secrets? Gee, I don’t know, DREWL. Perhaps the
man you plan on spending the rest of your life with might
be a glamorous jewel thief or a young wizard or is personally
hiding Iraqi weapons of mass destruction in his colon. About
the only thing we know about your fiancé for sure is this:
He’s a big, fat, screaming homo! He doesn’t much like having
sex with you, he’s got a “special” buddy, he’s downloading
gay porn, and he’s “giggly”? If he’s trying to keep his homosexuality
secret, DREWL, he’s not trying too damn hard. DTMFA!
My wife refuses to give me a blowjob.
I’ve eaten her out probably no less than 300 times in our
four years together and she hasn’t been down on me for a total
of even 30 seconds. We discussed this issue before marriage.
She promised she would “go oral” but never has. I always
make sure she orgasms when we have sex but as soon as she
does I’m no longer a priority. Please help!
I tell someone in your shoes to DTMFA—and that’s exactly what
I’m going to tell you to do, SAM—I get a ton of mail from
women insisting that a wife would only refuse to “go oral”
if her husband was doing something terribly, terribly wrong.
(“He doesn’t bathe!” “He doesn’t help around the house!” “He’s
a jerk!”) Apparently straight women are cocksucking monsters
until their husbands screw up and then—wham!—their jaws slam
shut. Still, I don’t see why these women get so angry when
I tell a straight guy whose wife won’t go oral to leave. We
can all agree that SAM is unhappy with the way things are—no
oral!—and that SAM’s wife is unhappy with the way SAM is—dirty,
inconsiderate, jerky—which means they’re better off without
each other, right? So DTMFA, SAM, DTMFA!
I like to have my pussy played with
before sex as foreplay but my boyfriend thinks this is unclean.
What can I do so that he stops thinking like this?
enough I don’t get a lot of angry mail when I tell someone
like IAH, a woman whose sexual needs aren’t being met by her
boyfriend or husband, to DTMFA. No men write in claiming that
the boyfriend/husband in question would play with the pussy
in question for hours and hours if only this woman in question
weren’t dirty, inconsiderate, and thoughtless. Why is that?
Anyone sending in an angry letter about my advice for SAM
should devote a paragraph or two to this odd double standard.
And in the meantime, IAH, you need to DTMFA!