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I
gotta say I’m a bit disappointed in you. I’ve been reading
your column for years and you’ve answered the same question
from gay men many times: “How can I hook up with my straight
roommate?” Months ago I asked you a similar question—“How
can I hook up with my gay best friend?”—and I got nothing.
NOTHING! I explained to you my situation—he’s cute, we flirt
all the time, and he always says stuff like “We look like
we’re going out!” while he’s hanging all over me. I asked
you what I could do to hook up with him just once . . . just
because he’s driving me crazy . . . and I’m falling for him
. . . and you didn’t respond at all! You didn’t even tell
me to fuck off! I even thought of a great acronym! Dan, Dan,
Dan. Please respond this time! How do I get in this boy’s
pants?
—Flustered
About Gay Hookup and Giddy
Fuck
off, FAGHAG. There, are you happy now?
FAGHAG isn’t the only person who has written me a second,
third, and fourth letter to complain after a first letter
failed to make the column. For the record, ladies and gentlemen,
I can’t possibly respond to all the mail I receive—roughly
5,000 pieces of e-mail per week, not counting the 12 billion
or so pieces of spam that arrive every damn day. If you send
me a letter and it doesn’t appear in the column, well, you’ll
have to go elsewhere for advice, OK?
And, for the record, I’m certainly not going to waste space
running lame letters like yours, FAGHAG. Unlike a gay boy
with the hots for his straight roommate, you’re not in any
danger. A gay boy who makes a pass at a straight boy, on the
other hand, is risking life and limb, however open to the
pass the straight boy appears to be. Those gay boys need my
advice, some bucking up, and a little push. But you, FAGHAG?
What are you risking? NOTHING! If your gay buddy doesn’t want
to fuck you he’ll say so and you can order another round of
mojitos and laugh it off. He’s not going to beat the shit
out of you with a baseball bat or out you to everyone at your
high school. All you’re risking is rejection, FAGHAG,
and that’s a run-of-the-mill risk. We all risk rejection when
we hit on somebody, FAGHAG. It’s just not column-worthy. So
fuck off already, OK?
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I’m
a 37-year-old father. I recently discovered my 14-year-old
son is jerking off. He was in his room and really quiet so
I opened the door and saw him. I was shocked! I told him that
we need to have a talk later on but I have no idea what to
say. What on earth do I say to my son?
—Shocked
and Upset
Your
son is 14 fucking years old, you moron, OF COURSE HE’S BEATING
OFF IN HIS ROOM. Where did you beat off when you were 14?
Buckingham Palace? If you don’t know what to say to your son,
SAU, I have a suggestion: “I’m terribly sorry I walked into
your room without knocking, kiddo. I promise to respect your
privacy in the future. Forgive me. What I did was wrong.”
I’m
a 21-year-old student. I’ve been dating a guy since January.
All summer I’ve been living in Portland, over a hundred miles
from his hometown. A week ago, he admitted that he met a girl
at a party. After many a Miller High Life, she told him he
had a “nice butt.” While this isn’t so bad, she later sent
him a link to a Web site where she posts nude pictures of
herself. I found them on his computer, and the two live in
the same neighborhood. I admit that I feel jealous and I can’t
stop talking about this. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’m worried
his fantasies will quickly become reality. Am I being stupid?
—My
Boy Jacks Off to Pics of a Suicide Girl
I
don’t think there’s anything wrong with your boyfriend jacking
off about a girl he met at a party, to digital images of a
minor alternaporn star, or to mental images of a neighbor.
But there is something disturbing about your boyfriend doing
all three at once, MBJOTPOASG. More worrisome, your boyfriend
shared this information with you. I mean, if his lust for
the neighbor was entirely innocent, just something to help
him jerk away the time until you return, why on earth would
he tell you about her? Either he’s trying to make you jealous
or he’s softening you up for a threesome request. If you don’t
want to be with a guy who plays head games or a guy you’re
going to have to share with a Suicide Girl—or both—then you
might want to dump this guy.
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I
recently broke up with my girlfriend, who is amazing in many
ways. She is loving, fun, and intelligent. Sex with her is
amazing too. But I lost trust in her over a couple of events
and I just bailed. The events are hard for me to talk about
with my friends so I’m asking your advice about what to do.
Event #1: While we were making love she sucked my tongue into
her mouth and wouldn’t let go. I said “Ow!” as clear as I
could, repeatedly, but I couldn’t say anything else because
she had a deathgrip on my tongue. When she finally let go,
my tongue was bleeding and sore. She sheepishly apologized
but wouldn’t say much when I asked her what that was all about.
Event #2: Shopping for dinner one night, she indicated the
cucumber I had picked out would be useful for more than just
salad. That night we used the cucumber as a sex toy. A couple
days later, after a dinner with my mother and my daughter,
she informed me that the cucumber in the salad was the very
same one that we used for sex. I was upset; she thought it
was no big deal. I would have gladly eaten it myself but I
was angry that my mother and daughter were fed the sexy cucumber
without their consent.
Question: Am I being too hard on my ex-girlfriend, who in
all other ways is amazing? I miss her but I’m afraid she’ll
just keep doing things that go beyond my boundaries.
—Missing
Her Smile
In
your situation, if I hadn’t dumped the psycho after she tried
to rip out my tongue, MHS, I certainly would’ve dumped her
after she fed a sex toy/cucumber to my mother and my child!
So I definitely think you did the right thing when you dumped
her, and I hope she stays good and dumped. A prediction: If
you take her back, this girl will continue to do freaky/stupid/disgusting
things until you’re forced to dump her all over again. Anyone
who pulls the kinds of stunts you describe is a mindfucker
on a power trip: “How awful can I be to MHS and keep him coming
back for more?” Stay the hell away from this woman if you
don’t want to see your mother and daughter choking on your
sex toys ever again.
mail@savagelove.net
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