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I’m a 16-year-old girl with a 17-year-old boyfriend. My boyfriend is religious and strongly against sex before marriage (vaginal, anal, or even oral). Recently our making out has led to “dry humping.” I’ve heard all sorts of things from peers and teen magazines about what can happen when a guy ejaculates in this situation, and I would like to know just how far semen can travel and through what, if any, fabrics. Thank you for any help you can provide.

Nervous and Horny in Va.

Yes, Virginia, you can get pregnant if your boyfriend comes on you—even if he only comes on your clothes. Didn’t they cover this in the abstinence “education” you’ve been subjected to in high school? Semen can bore through your clothing and penetrate your skin, and then travel through your veins into your uterus where, if you’re ovulating, it can make you pregnant. Of course, his semen may not make it to your uterus. It could travel through your bloodstream and into your heart or your lungs, where it can penetrate the pulmonary alveoli. If it reaches your small intestine, it can mature there into adulthood and begin to lay eggs.

No, wait . . . I’ve confused semen with roundworms. Fucking Google. Sorry about that.

If your boyfriend isn’t coming inside you and you’re not pressing your semen-soaked panties hard into your crotch, NAHIVA, the odds that you’ll get knocked up are nil. So you go right ahead and enjoy the hell out of the humping—even if it is going to land you both in hell. After all, every religion that bans premarital vaginal, anal, and even oral sex also bans premarital “dry humping”—particularly the kind of dry humping that leaves you sopping wet.

I’m a 20-year-old lesbian. Last year I fell in love with my straight best friend, who was, and is, in a committed relationship. One night, in an ill-conceived bout of honesty, I told her about my feelings. She, of course, became angry that I hadn’t been honest with her from the beginning so we could have worked it out before my feelings became so strong. We tried to get around it, but eventually stopped talking altogether. I am now over my feelings for her, and a few months ago we began talking again.

The problem is this: She’s getting married to her boyfriend of four years in a month, and I think she is making the biggest mistake of her life. Her boyfriend is a complete idiot and he doesn’t treat her very well. If I tell her what I think, I’ll come across as jealous and she’ll hate me again. How can I tell her this without losing her?

Not Willing to Lose Her

Are you this woman’s only friend? If you are, NWTLH, there’s more wrong with your pal than just her taste in men. If you’re not, take your concerns to her other friends and see if they share them. If they don’t, well, there’s something wrong with you—you’re still hung up on your friend and it’s your judgment that’s fucked up, not hers. But if a significant number of her friends agree that she’s making a big mistake, NWTLH, beg them to do for your friend what you, considering your history, can not do—i.e., slap some sense into her fool head before it’s too late.

My boyfriend and I recently posted pictures of ourselves performing medium-to-very-kinky sexual acts on a porn Web site. This is the first time we have left our faces unblurred. To access the site you must pay a yearly fee; pictures stay up on the site for about a month before they are removed. Here is my question: What is the probability that, say, a boss, a little brother, or a jealous ex-boyfriend with a purity complex will find these pictures? My boyfriend claims the chance is next to zero, but I want an unbiased expert opinion.

Settle Unsettling Bet

You probably should’ve sought out my unbiased expert opinion before you posted the pictures, SUB, but for what it’s worth:

I’ll bet you anything you like that someone you know—a family member, a coworker, your congressional delegation—has already seen the pictures. Your boyfriend is full of shit, SUB. The pictures are on a pay site? They’re only up for a month? Well, guess what: People download images from pay sites, post them on free Web sites, and e-mail them to their friends. As a general rule folks shouldn’t put anything on the Internet that they don’t want their bosses, parents, siblings, ex-boyfriends (with or without purity complexes), children, children’s children, or children’s children’s children to see.

Recently my mother asked me to come over to her place for some computer assistance. When I showed up, it turned out that someone in her house had been looking at lots and lots of gay porn on the Internet, and it was showing up in her history file. My two brothers and dad all live at home. My brothers deny that they looked, and she won’t ask Dad. She wanted me to set up parental controls so that no one would be able to look at porn. I had a problem with that because if it’s her kids doing the looking, controls are fine, but if it’s her husband I don’t think controls are appropriate. Also, it won’t resolve the fact that someone in the house has a not-so-secret. Now I wonder all the time who is in the closet (both brothers have girlfriends, and Dad is still married to Mom), and whether he is just too stupid to clear the history or wants to be found out. Is there any way to find out who is gay without being an asshole?

Wondering Who Is Gay

There’s no way to find out who was looking at gay porn on your mother’s computer without being a complete asshole—to your brothers, to your dad, and to your mom. For your mom’s sake, WWIG, I hope it was one of your brothers and not your father—realizing her husband is gay or bisexual would suck for your mom in a huge way, wouldn’t it? And if it turns out that your dad is a cocksucker—if your mother is presented with irrefutable proof—she may feel that she has no choice but to divorce him. And if he’s running around with other men, your mom may be at risk for any number of STDs.

But what if your mom doesn’t want to press the issue with your dad because sex doesn’t play a huge role in their married life? What if your mother is content with things as they are? What if she just wants to let this sleeping dog lie? If your mom wants to live in a tiny bit of denial, WWIG, and comfort herself with the thought that one of her sons was just curious or will come out to her one day, and doesn’t regard the small chance her husband is cheating on her with men as a threat, well, what business is it of yours? Unless you want to sleep with your dad or your brothers, I don’t see as how “who is in the closet” much concerns you. If you don’t want to be an asshole—if you don’t want to keep being an asshole, I should say—you’ll drop it.

mail@savagelove.net


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