is probably the least entertaining letter you’ll ever get,
but I hope it’ll make a nice break between snot-suckers and
shit-eaters. I am 18 now, going to college, and I think I
may be in love. I know that it might seem like I am jumping
in with both feet, but I don’t think I am. I met this girl
on one of my first days in college—granted that my college
has only been going on for four or five days—and I can barely
get through the day without thinking about her. Not in a sexual
way, either (although that would be nice)—I just can’t keep
her face out of my mind or her voice out of my ears. I want
to know how I could know if I truly am in love with her, and
what I should do if I am. I can’t ask my friends, because
we met a lot of the same people; and I’d feel like a dork
asking my parents. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you’ll
print this and answer me, because I’ll trust your advice no
matter which way you go. Sign me,
Advice Never Invades Savage’s Type, Helping Even Mucophogists
a good reason sex-advice columns are filled with letters from
snot-suckers and shit-eaters, DANISTHEMAN: They’re freaks,
their problems are interesting, and the answers aren’t always
obvious. Your letter, on the other hand, is pretty damn dull—in
fact, I’d go so far as to say it’s the dullest letter I’ve
ever run. And your question? “Is it love?” That’s precisely
the kind of problem a young man is forced to take to his parents
because no one else on earth besides his parents could give
even the teeniest, tiniest, turdiest shit. A nice, normal
young man with a run-of-the-mill crush on a nice, normal young
woman? Is there anything duller?
But, hey, here’s some advice: Are you truly in love with this
girl? Only time will tell, DANISTHEMAN. Ask her out, date
her, and if you’re still crazy about her after 50 years of
marriage, well, then it was love.
So if DANISTHEMAN’s letter is so dull, I hear other readers
murmuring, why am I running it? Because DANISTHEMAN has provided
me with an opportunity to send a very important message to
everyone who reads my column: ENOUGH WITH STRAINED ACRONYMS
ALREADY. The reason I started making acronyms out of people’s
sign-offs, folks, was to save space. Alert readers noticed
and soon they were creating cute little sign-offs that, once
they were turned into acronyms, spelled out something short
and sweet—like SNOT or SHIT or FUCK. But things have been
getting out of hand on the acronym front. While I appreciate
everyone’s efforts—and in the case of DANISTHEMAN, the sentiment—endless
sign-offs that spell out clunky, run-on sentences don’t really
save me any space. So save yourselves the trouble, acronym
fans, because I’m not running any more sign-offs that result
in acronyms longer than five letters.
boyfriend broke up with me after a short relationship (six
weeks). A few of my single friends say that I had sex with
him too soon. I’ve just gotten back into the dating pool (after
a divorce and a long recovery period), and I’m wondering how
long one is supposed to hold out. I slept with him after seven
dates. I really liked him, but did I look cheap to him? I
even dressed up in skirts and sexy nylons to please him on
our dates (per his request), and really tried to please him
and make him happy. Am I so off-base to think that this is
the way to get a guy, or do I have to play games and act hard-to-get?
What is going on out there? Or is he just an asshole?
on Notable for Urgent Sage Edifying Direction
in doubt, CONFUSED, always assume the other person is an asshole.
If you were writing in after suffering through a string of
similar breakups, well, then I might tell you to look inside.
But getting dumped by one guy after six weeks? That doesn’t
really prove anything. All we know for sure is that, for whatever
reason, it didn’t work out with Mr. Skirt and Panties. The
willingness of your friends to find fault with you tells us
more about them—they’re assholes too—than it does about what
went wrong with Mr. SAP.
a woman looking for a Domination/submission thing. I met this
guy online. Here is the issue, in short: I don’t have a pic
of him, or a real name. He claims he’ll give this all to me
when we meet. We’re supposed to meet for a quick coffee, just
to see how things go. We have talked on the phone, but I still
have nothing else. Should I hold out for a pic and a name,
or should I just meet him, with a friend, in a public place?
you tell him that you’re nervous about meeting him without
knowing his real name and he still won’t tell you, well, that’s
a very bad sign, DSC. If he’s unwilling to make you feel comfortable
and safe about just your first meeting, how is this guy going
to treat you, and what regard will he have for your comfort
levels, once you’re, say, tied up in the midst of a D/s scene?
There are plenty of other kinky guys out there, DSC, so don’t
settle for someone who gives you the creeps or acts like one.
Dan. Straight girl here who loves your column. Giddy admiration
aside, I have a problem: As time progresses I find myself
more and more attracted to women. My first sexual experience
was with a woman. So it’s pretty apparent that I’m a bisexual.
But I don’t know who I can talk to about my sudden realization
or how I can meet other bisexual women. I go to a rather large
university and have been dating men consistently for the past
few years, but I want women. What can I do? Thanks.
another bisexual college girl at a large university, HAL,
is about as difficult as finding a beer bong on frat row—if
you can’t find one, you’re not looking very hard. According
to the new issue of Details (yes, the one with Ashton
Kutcher on the cover), people under 25 are all freakin’ bisexual
these days—even the boys. While some may be tempted to dismiss
the story as so much wishful thinking on the part of Details’
editors (especially the part about the boys), I know for a
fact that it’s true. Once upon a time on American college
campuses only girls could be casually bisexual, dabble a bit,
and still be taken seriously when they claimed to be straight
after graduation. Now straight guys are being cut similar
sexual slack and I think that’s just swell.
So how do you find yourself a girl, HAL? You open your mouth
and start telling people you’re bisexual, for starters, and
once you’re comfortable doing that, you start hitting on girls
you find attractive. Make yourself easy to find and some hot
girl will come along and nab you—but don’t be surprised if
she wants to bring along her fratrat boyfriend, his beer bong,
and the dude he’s messing around with on the side too.