am a gay, healthy, native dude from the Midwest attending
a sleepy university. I’ve got a great group of friends and
a pretty well-rounded social life. With school and all the
organizations I belong to, you would think that I was swimming
in a sea of eligible gay men to escort to the local hoedown.
Unfortunately, I am not attracted to many gay men, nor the
gay scene itself. I know it is self-defeating but I can’t
end this cycle. I am tired of seeing everyone but me with
a boyfriend. What would you suggest?
I have tons of women always trying to seduce me for real.
Where are the gay boys?
First, the slap: This often comes as a surprise to I’m-not-attracted-to-other-gay-men-and-the-whole-gay-scene
types, but the overwhelming majority of out gay men can smell
a gay man who’s repulsed by other gay men at 20 yards—and
you know what? Most of us find the stench distinctly unattractive.
And if you don’t like gay men, SD, why should it bother you
that gay guys aren’t making passes at you? You don’t like
gay men, remember?
Now, the advice: You don’t like gay men, you don’t like the
gay scene, but you want a boyfriend nevertheless. You know
what, SD? I don’t much like the gay scene either, nor do I
like very many gay men—I don’t like very many people, period.
Like everyone else on earth, I’ve met thousands of people
in the course of my life and only bothered to become friends
with a few dozen. Why is that? Because gay or straight, SD,
most people are picky when it comes to friends, scenes, and
On the gay-specific front, it sounds like you’ve been operating
under some faulty assumptions since coming out. The first
one, of course, is that there’s a gay scene, singular, as
opposed to gay scenes, plural. If you don’t like a particular
gay scene, it’s up to you to go find one more to your liking,
or to create your own. Your other flawed assumption is that
homosexuality is enough, that you would feel a kinship with
all the gay guys on earth. It’s not an assumption that my
straight brothers make about other straight people, SD, and
it’s not one that a gay man should make about other gay men.
Rainbow-flag wavers would have us believe that all gay men
are pals—we’re all supposed to be brothers or something—but
the reality is this: Gay people like other gay people at about
the same rate that straight people like other straight people—that
is to say, very rarely.
So, armed with two flawed assumptions—there’s one gay scene,
gay people should like other gay people—you jumped into a
gay scene you didn’t care for and met gay men you didn’t like.
That prompted you to reach a flawed conclusion: You don’t
like gay people. Or the gay scene.
Unless you want to become a bitter, lonely old queen when
you grow up, SD, you need to let go of all your faulty assumptions
and that flawed conclusion. Get out there and find or create
the gay scene that makes you happy. On the boyfriend issue,
well, you might want to develop a grudging tolerance and/or
an ironic affection for the gay scenes you don’t enjoy. Some
gay scenes are more crowded than others, and when you’re looking
for a boyfriend you want a wide selection. The gay boy of
your dreams may be hanging out in a gay scene you don’t like
much. Like you, he’s hoping to meet a guy who doesn’t like
the gay scene any more than he does. Once you meet him, you
can flee the gay scene together.
We all agree that groping without consent of the gropee
is wrong. If Ahh-nold out in California did the dirty deed,
he should be brought to justice. But as a happy guy who has
never groped a woman without her consent, I have a different
hypothesis: Say I’m out shopping. An attractive woman approaches,
makes eye contact, and we exchange smiles. Then she slowly
and furtively reaches over and caresses my privates. Call
me a perv, but frankly, I wouldn’t mind a bit. In fact, it
would make my day. Betcha most guys would agree, but sadly,
if the genders were reversed, betcha most women would not.
Right Ahead Baby and Squeeze Softly
right, GRABASS: Most women would mind being groped by a stranger
in a store—betcha most women would call the cops. And why
is that? Because male-on-female groping has a different context
than female-on-male groping. Very few men are raped, abused,
or murdered by women, GRABASS, and women can hear the word
“no” without stalking or terrorizing the men who’ve dumped
them. Not all straight men are violent rapists or nutso stalkers,
of course, but most women either know someone of their own
gender who has been the victim of male sexual violence, or
have been victimized themselves. So a man who grabs a woman
he doesn’t know isn’t going to be perceived as a friendly,
flirty guy, GRABASS, but as a mortal threat.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months
now and we have always been very sexually active. (And responsible,
too.) Unfortunately, Dan, my boyfriend has been under the
impression that if I were to accidentally get pregnant I would
be willing to have an abortion. Recently we talked about it
and I told my boyfriend that abortion is not an option for
me and that if I do get pregnant I’m going to keep the baby.
Now he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore! What do I
pro-choice, SIS, which means I respect your right to choose—you
can, if you get knocked up, decide if you’re ready to be a
parent. If you are, you can have the baby. If you’re not,
you can have an abortion. It’s your choice, it’s entirely
up to you, and everyone—including your boyfriend—has to respect
But fair’s fair, SIS: While he can’t force you to have an
abortion, you can’t force him to risk being a father before
he’s ready. In other words, choice isn’t just for girls. Your
boyfriend also has a right to choose. Since the decision about
being a father is out of his hands if you get pregnant, he’s
making his choice now. Knowing that abortion isn’t an option,
your boyfriend doesn’t want to risk fucking you anymore. It’s
his choice, it’s entirely up to him, and everyone—including
you, SIS—has to respect his choice.
The other night, my boyfriend and I went to CBGB, New York
City’s venerable home of punk, to see a bunch of transsexuals,
crossdressers, and freaks, including Jayne County, Sylvain
Sylvain, Lisa Jackson, and Penny Arcade. One of the bands,
Sonic Uke, did a song called “Dan Savage Sex Advice Column
Blues.” The song talked about dried condoms and “santorum
running down my legs.”
The lyrics and a recording of the song are on Sonic Uke’s
Web site, www.sonicuke.com.
Thanks for sharing, Bewitched, and thanks to Sonic Uke for
immortalizing santorum—that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter
that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex—in song. Let’s
keep spreading the word, kids, and soon santorum will be on