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Spreading
Santorum
I
was listening to the radio today and Rick Santorum was mentioned.
The first thought that popped into my head was, “Santorum?
That frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes
the byproduct of anal sex?” and not, “Santorum? That conservative
prick?” Your column has worked the new meaning so far into
my brain that it pops up first!
—Santorum
Hits in Total
Thanks
for sharing, SHIT, and I want you to know that you’re not
alone: Many people have written in to say that “frothy mix”
pops to mind first whenever they hear Senator Santorum’s name
on the news, which they’ve been hearing a lot lately, what
with Senator Santorum busily undermining abortion rights and
bemoaning gay marriage.
Some of the mail is from readers who are angry about this
popping effect. These readers are sick to death of reading
about santorum—the senator and the stain—in my column. To
the santorumphobes out there, I say this: There are other
advice columns out there—fine examples of the genre, from
the Ethicist in The New York Times to Dear Prudence
on Slate to Real Estate Reality Check in the Vashon
Island Beachcomber—and none of these columns would touch
santorum with a 10-foot pole. (I can’t, however, vouch for
none of the columnists themselves ever having left santorum
on a 10-foot pole.) Santorumphobes in need of an advice fix
are welcome to read one of these other fine columns this week
and then return to Savage Love next week, because this week’s
column is awash in santorum.
But after this week—I swear to God!—I will not discuss santorum
at any length again. The word may come up—this is a sex-advice
column, after all—but I will never again define the term in
disgusting detail (we all know what it means now). Beginning
next week, my efforts to spread the word will move to a dedicated
Web site, the address of which appears at the end of this
column. But first I want to tend to these santorum-related,
uh, loose ends. . . .
Just an FYI from the folks selling a line of santorum T-shirts.
. . .
We’ve had a few orders for santorum shirts from people
who work in Senate offices (for U.S. senators!). I don’t think
Rick Santorum is very popular with his colleagues. I’m smiling
right now, envisioning Santorum strolling past a Senate aide
wearing a “SANTORUM—The frothy mixture that says I love you”
T-shirt in the hallowed halls of our nation’s Capitol. “Frothy
mixture” is our most popular shirt (available at www.extraugly.com).
If you run this letter, sign me. . . .
—Politicians
Out of Private Stuff
P.S.
Did you get the shirts that we sent to you?
I got the shirts, POOPS, and thanks. I’ve been wearing my
“Santorum Tastes Like Shit” shirt to the gym, where I’m the
envy of the assembled homos. Speaking of people who work for
U.S. senators. . . .
As a congressional staffer here in Washington, D.C., I
have to keep myself from giggling every time I pass Rick Santorum
in the Capitol, but that’s not the point of this e-mail. I
typed “Santorum” into Google to see for myself, and I noticed
that the page right after your column has a great summary
quote:
“Rick
Santorum had only been in the Senate for a few weeks when
Bob Kerrey, then Senator from Nebraska, pegged him.”
—AC
Former
Senator Bob Kerrey didn’t peg Santorum in the Savage Love
sense of the word, AC. (Kerrey can’t, of course, as pegging
by definition is a woman fucking a man with a strap-on dildo.)
On the political website CounterPunch, Jeffrey St. Clair claims
Kerrey “pegged” Santorum by saying of his new colleague, “Santorum—that’s
Latin for asshole.” If he said it, Kerrey was ahead of the
curve on Santorum.
I’ve only heard you use “santorum” in reference to gay
anal sex. Does it apply to straight butt sex too?
—I
Love Straight Anal
Straight
people have anuses, don’t they? Butt? Of course! And guess
what? Straight people pump out a hell of a lot more santorum
than gay people.
Let’s crunch some numbers: The best estimate of the number
of gay-identified men in the United States and Canada is three
percent of the male population, or roughly 4.5 million cock-hungry
males out of a population of 300 million men and women. According
to The Social Organization of Sexuality (University of Chicago
Press, 1994), 10 percent of straight men and nine percent
of straight women surveyed reported engaging in anal sex,
which works out to more than 50 million straight people buttfucking
their brains out. (My figures include children and the aged
who, for the purposes of this column, shall be regarded as
future straight buttfuckers or retired straight buttfuckers.)
The Chicago study was conducted a decade ago, and the number
of straight people engaging in anal sex has, without a doubt,
skyrocketed since then, thanks to anal porn, the growing popularity
of pegging, and Trent Ford. Clearly the amount of santorum
produced in North America annually by gay men, ILSA, is but
a trickle compared to the tsunami of santorum produced by
straight folks.
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A former bartender, I wanted to do my part to popularize
“santorum,” so this straight man concocted a recipe for the
Santorum Shot: 1/2 oz. dirty-ass well vodka; 1/2 oz. crème
de cacao (dark); a dash of cream; a healthy splash of seltzer
water (soda water may work). Place hand over top of shot glass,
slam on table, and voilà! A frothy brownish mixture. Tell
your bartenders you want a santorum!
—Santorum
Haters Open Wide
A
friendly bartender whipped up a Santorum Shot for me, SHOW.
It looked appropriately disgusting but tasted absolutely divine!
I recommend them!
I work in the film business in Toronto and I recently worked
on the Dawn of the Dead remake, with Zack Snyder directing.
We were shooting a scene with Sarah Polley and Jake Weber
in which they were supposed to be drinking horrible coffee
and commenting to each other of its foul taste. I implored
Zack to do one take using the term “santorum” in reference
to the coffee. The scene was brilliant with the term, and
I told Zack that if he kept it in the movie, he’d be making
a great contribution to society—and think of all the gossip
on the message boards!
At the wrap party they played a blooper reel. When they showed
the scene with Jake referring to his coffee tasting like “santorum,”
half the room exploded with laughter and the other half begged
to be let in on the joke. I wanted you to know that Hollywood
is behind you, Dan.
—Rusty
in Toronto
If
the “santorum” scene doesn’t make it into the new Dawn
of the Dead, RIT, I hope Zack Snyder can be persuaded
to at least include the santorum scene on the DVD. Pretty
please, Zack?
And now . . . the new Web site, where santorumphiles can track
the spread of santorum, thus sparing santorumphobes from ever
having to read “that frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that
is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex” in my column ever
again. Santorum sightings, links to Web sites that mention
santorum, information on getting the word into The Oxford
English Dictionary, and much, much more can be found at
www.spreadingsantorum.com.
mail@savagelove.net
Dan
Savage’s newest book, Skipping Towards Gomorrah, is
out in paperback.
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