Brandes was recorded on video in 2001 eating his own penis.
Brandes isn’t an auto- fellator, like others who’ve written
in, but a man who wanted to be eaten by a cannibal. He found
one on the Internet, and allowed this man to cut off his penis
and fry it in a pan. Brandes’ penis was overcooked and rather
tough, it turns out, but the man who fried Brandes’ penis,
Armin Meiwes, killed Brandes anyway and ate other parts of
him. Meiwes told a German court last week that eating Brandes
was like taking communion.
What do you think? Is Meiwes—who had the presence of mind
to videotape himself asking Brandes if he wanted to be killed
and eaten before killing and eating him—guilty of murdering
his alleged victim, or is he guilty of a lesser crime? And
why did the Washington Post not include the bit about
the penis in a recent story about the trial? Why has media
coverage about this been so light in this country and so intense
big “German Cannibals Gone Wild!” story is getting short shrift
in the American media for two reasons, SEM: First, the penis-frying,
video-making, and Internet-sex-partner-butchering went down
in Germany, and both the man whose penis got fried and the
man who fried it were Germans. While Americans made a feeble
effort to take an interest in—or appear to take an interest
in—what was happening in the rest of the world after the unpleasantness
of Sept. 11, things have pretty much returned to normal around
here. (Brandes’ murder took place in March 2001, but it wasn’t
discovered until December 2002.) Basically we’re back to that
place where if it didn’t happen to Ben and J.Lo, Ashton and
Demi, or Michael and that kid with cancer, then it might as
well not have happened at all.
Second, the American media is busy covering two homegrown
sex scandals—the aforementioned Michael Jackson scandal and
the big Abercrombie & Fitch porn-mag-as-clothing-catalog
controversy. (Let’s pause here for a moment and mourn the
passing of A&F Quarterly, that company’s crass,
manipulative, transparent, and wildly successful effort to
sell T-shirts and boxer shorts by draping them on or near
impossibly good-looking young men and women posed in tableaux
that suggested group sex, homosexual acts, sexual assault,
female-on-male rape, or all of the above. A&F Quarterly
provided awesome masturbation material for a generation of
young men and women; it inspired countless young heterosexual
males to do their sit-ups and wear their boxer shorts around
their necks, and taught them not to fear boy-boy-girl three-ways.
Bowing to pressure from conservative Christians, feminists,
and other killjoys, A&F announced last week that it was
discontinuing the catalog. RIP, A&FQ—you will be
And now back to German Cannibals Gone Wild. . . .
While the American media hasn’t come through with a lot of
salacious details, the British press has never been able to
resist a good gay sex cannibal story. (The Times of London
had a field day when Prince Charles ate his valet.) Here are
some other details the American press isn’t reporting: According
to the BBC, Meiwes had fantasized since age eight about killing
and eating someone. According to the Mirror, Meiwes
turned down two men who volunteered to be his victims before
he killed and ate Brandes. Meiwes rejected one man for being
too fat, revealing himself to be a sizeist gay sex cannibal.
The other reject “wanted me to burn his balls with a flamethrower
and hammer his body down with nails and pins while he was
whipped to death,” Meiwes said. “I found that a bit weird.”
(You know you’re a freak when you’re a bit too weird for a
gay sex cannibal.) But it’s the Guardian that comes
through with the most disturbing details of all: After cutting
off and eating Brandes’ penis, Mr. Meiwes sat down and . .
. Jesus, it’s difficult even to type this… “read a Star
Trek novel.” Eesh.
Anyway, is Meiwes guilty of murder? At the very real risk
of pissing off the cannibal community—and yes, Virginia, there
is a “cannibal community” (a handful of “cannibal supporters”
have been attending Meiwes’ trial, lending him their “moral”
support)—I take a hard-line position on cannibalism. Gosh
darn it, I just think it’s wrong. Meiwes may have had his
victim’s consent—Brandes’ consumption was not only videotaped
but also devoutly wished for—but there are times when the
very act of giving your consent proves you’re not competent
to give your consent. A perfectly healthy person who consents
to his own sexualized murder, for instance, and eats his own
tough, overcooked penis before being killed, is in need of
mental help, not meat tenderizer. His consent is meaningless,
and obtaining it does not exonerate the man who murdered him.
But guess what? Despite the fact that he videotaped his crime—the
tape is two hours long, will likely be released to the public
during the ongoing trial, and includes video of Meiwes butchering
Brandes “in a ‘slaughtering room’ he had built [in his mansion]
containing meat hooks, a cage, and a butcher’s table”—Meiwes
may not go to prison for long. Or at all. Cannibalism is not
a crime under German law, and since Brandes volunteered—and
since Meiwes can prove it—under German law this may not be
murder. Just dinner.
If the curvature of Puzzled About Down Under’s boyfriend’s
dick is painful, Dan, he should see a urologist. A dick that’s
pointing down—like Gonzo’s nose—sounds very much like Peyronie’s
disease, a urological condition. Sometimes, the curvature
is so severe that it makes intercourse painfully impossible.
Contrary to what you might think, Dan, there are well-accepted
surgical procedures to straighten out one’s member. As a urological
surgeon, I’ve seen many people who went far too long without
treatment because they’re ill-informed or embarrassed.
stand corrected, DD, though PADU didn’t say anything about
her boyfriend—or her—experiencing any discomfort. Still, if
PADU’s boyfriend wants to get himself straightened out, he
should contact a urologist. But she might not want him to
after reading this next letter. . . .
In your reply to Puzzled About Down Under about her boyfriend’s
Gonzo dick, you forgot an advantage that I’m sure she’ll appreciate.
I’ve got a Gonzo dick, and my last girlfriend loved it when
I took her from behind. The downward curve allowed me to effortlessly
stimulate her G spot in any back-door position. I am sure
if PADU got on all fours and arched her back, she would be
screaming for more Muppet love in no time.
Eschews Northern Trajectory
for sharing, BENT. And we’ll wrap up this week’s column with
another helpful hint from a reader. . . .
A suggestion to the girl who has been having painful anal
sex with her boyfriend: I’m a woman who loves anal sex, but
the only way it can happen without hurting is if I’ve had
an orgasm first. Once I come, I’m all relaxed down there,
and I’m still horny, if not more horny, than I was before.
My ass isn’t all tensed up, his penis slides in with relative
ease, and everybody’s happy. It is still important to start
off slowly and carefully, but it’s a great method to make
it feel great instead of painful.
Make It Better
for sharing, OMIB.