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I
have been with my husband for 4.5 years. I am currently very
frustrated. My husband cannot maintain an erection while performing
oral sex on me. He manually stimulates himself while giving
me oral sex. I feel rejected, because shouldn’t the act of
giving pleasure to someone you love and find attractive be
pleasurable for you as well?
He says he enjoys the oral and offers it almost every time
we have sex, but I would just as soon take it out of the equation
at this point. Instead of being a turn-on for me, I end up
being turned off. He also spends a fairly significant amount
of time looking at shoe- and foot-fetish sites on the Internet.
If he put 10 percent of the effort into our sex life that
he does into beating off to his form of porn, maybe I would
feel better.
—Frustrated
Midwestern Breeder Chick
Before
we begin, FMBC, you might want to brace yourself for a tongue-lashing—oh,
and you can rest assured that I won’t be stroking myself while
I give it to you.
OK, here we go: Do you have any idea how many women would
kill to be in your position? Do you have any idea how many
letters I get every damn day from women whose husbands won’t
eat them out at all, ever, stroking themselves or not, much
less every time they have sex? And there you sit, with a husband
who offers to eat your pussy every time you have sex, and
you’re complaining about the fact that he likes to stroke
himself while he eats you out? Are you out of your fucking
mind?
So he strokes himself while he eats you out. So what?! As
for why he strokes himself, well, there are three possible
explanations. Since I can’t ask your husband which one applies—and
you don’t want me talking to him, lady, because I might advise
him to divorce your ass—let me walk you through all three:
1. Yes, the act of giving pleasure to someone you love and
find attractive should be pleasurable, dope, but there are
times when giving someone pleasure is work. And oral sex is
one of those pleasure-giving activities that, while some enjoy
performing it very much, others do it for the person on the
receiving end. Even a guy who loves nothing better than sucking
dick or eating pussy will sometimes find it slightly monotonous,
even uncomfortable, but he hangs in there because he wants
to make the person he’s going down on feel good. That doesn’t
mean he’s not attracted to you. It doesn’t mean he’s not enjoying
it. It just means he’s focused on your pleasure—which is not
something you should bitch about. Lie back, enjoy his tongue,
and stop worrying about his right hand.
2. Has it occurred to you that maybe he’s stroking himself
because he’s turned on? Men who are turned on tend to stroke
themselves, you freaking dumbass. When he looks at his Internet
porn, he strokes himself because he’s turned on. He doesn’t
sit in front of the computer and have spontaneous orgasms,
does he?
3. You seem pretty ignorant about male arousal, so here’s
a primer: You’re a woman. You get aroused, you get wet, you
stay wet. Your wetness isn’t the result of a constant flow—you’re
not a turned-on tap. As your arousal level rises and falls,
you may get more wet, but you can take it for granted that
you’re going to stay pretty consistently wet, whatever the
level of your arousal. Your husband’s a guy. As his arousal
levels rise and fall, his dick does too, just as the amount
of wetness you produce comes in wee waves. Most guys need
constant stimulation to stay fully erect. The only way for
his dick to get constant stim when he’s eating you out is
for him to stroke himself. It doesn’t mean he’s not turned
on! Christ!
Finally, on the subject of your husband’s fetishes: You can
choose to resent his fetishes and complain about them, thereby
making him regard you as an obstacle to his sexual fulfillment,
FMBC, and not the source of his sexual fulfillment, a move
that will drive a wedge into your sex life and potentially
destroy your marriage. Or you can choose to turn his fetishes
to your advantage, shitferbrains! If you want him to stay
hard without touching himself while he eats your pussy, then
plant one of your fucking feet in his crotch while he goes
down on you. Better yet, put on a pair of high heels the next
time he offers to go down on you and grind your heels into
his balls and dick while he eats you out. I guarantee you
his dick will stay hard the whole time.
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I recently made a kinky discovery with my wife of four
years. I have long been intrigued by golden showers, but we’ve
never acted on the fetish. But I discovered a new fetish:
My wife allows me to lick her clean after she urinates. For
some reason it turns me on like crazy. She let me try it a
few times, and one night when I was licking it up it was very
sweet. I asked her what she drank, because the last drops
of her urine were as sweet as Kool-Aid. She said she had tea
with Sweet’N Low. It turns out that the human body absorbs
sugar for energy but Sweet’N Low passes right through your
system. I’m not sure how many urine lickers there are out
there, but I thought I would pass on the sweet news.
—Sweet
Pee in St. Louis
On
behalf of the pee-lapping community, SPISL, thank you for
sharing the good-to-the-last-drop news.
But I’m not running your letter for the small number of pee-lappers
out there reading this. I’m running it to give hope to all
the young, single people who read letters from unhappy, sexually
frustrated married people in my column and then write to ask
if there’s something about being married that destroys your
sex life. No, kids, there isn’t. You can be married and enjoy
an exciting, mutually pleasurable, wildly adventurous sex
life—provided, of course, that you have the good sense (or
the good luck) to marry someone who’s good, giving, and game,
and that you and your partner are both willing to be open
and make compromises.
Reading between the lines of SPISL’s letter, it seems clear
that his wife wasn’t comfortable pissing on him—he’s never
had a golden shower—but he was open with her about his kink,
and eventually they found a mutually agreeable way to indulge
him: SPISL gets to lick his wife clean after she takes a piss,
which turns SPISL on like crazy and led to his discovery
about Sweet’N Low. (The results of SPISL’s experiments have
yet to be verified, of course, but we’re working on it here
at Savage Labs. I’ll give a full report when my intern returns
from his holiday break and drinks the cup of piss I left on
his desk.) While some may find the activity that SPISL and
his wife are engaging in off-putting, surely everyone reading
this can appreciate the uplifting moral to the story. Which
is this: There are tons of happily married, sexually fulfilled
couples out there. If that’s the kind of relationship you
want, don’t settle for a partner who isn’t good, giving, and
game, and be a good, giving, and game partner yourself.
mail@savagelove.net
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