|
Al
Things Considered: A Kind of Carol
“Out
in the Restaurant” (to the tune
“Up On The Housetop”)
Out
in the restaurant while they dine
Is that
your cell phone or mine?
They don’t
care who they annoy
With their
wireless digital toy
Hoo Hoo
Hoo!
Ain’t got
a clue!
Hey hey
hey!
Put that
away!
Out at
the movies
Beep, beep,
beep
Oh what
an inconsiderate creep
“9W” (“Silver
Bells”)
City
sidewalk, busy sidewalk
Used to
be quite the place
‘Til the
city came in with bulldozers
Crooked
walkways, soaring treetops
And bohemian
grace
Traded
in for a drab quarter mile
chorus:
W
9W
Once it
was something called Lark Street
Tiny trees,
Tenants
flee
More bleak
now than downtown Troy.
“Slate of Candidates is Nigh” (“Angels
We Have Heard On High”)
Slate
of candidates is nigh
Vote for
them? You must be high!
Next year’s
choices have us vexed
Each one
creepier than the next.
chorus:
De-e-e-e-emocrats,
haven’t got a clue-oh
De-e-e-e-emocrats,
haven’t got a clue oo-oh
GOP is jubilant
That’s
one happy elephant
But can’t
bring myself to push
That lever
that says “George Bush”
chorus:
De-e-e-e-emocrats,
haven’t got a clue-oh
De-e-e-e-emocrats,
they themselves will screw-ooo-oh
“You’re History” (“O
Holy Night”)
Anna
Nicole, your star’s no longer shining
It’s the
demise of those dopes on TV
Long lay
the world in Paris Hilton pining
But in
a month she’ll be 2003
A thrill
of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder
falls the star of Dr. Phil
Fab-ulous
Five! Oh, Clay and Kelly Clarkson!
Yo Ryan
Seacrest! O Jessica, and Rubin too!
Ryan, Trista!
Next year, you’re history!
“Auld Lang Trayn” (“Auld
Lang Syne”)
Should
high-speed travel be forgot
‘Twould
really be a pity
Continuing
to lurch and crawl
‘Tween
here and the big city
We’ll take
the crummy bus, my dear
Or costly
aeroplane
We’ll wait
for you, three hours late
Because
you took the train.
“Have Yourself a Merry Code Orange Christmas” (“Have
Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”)
Have
yourself a merry Code Orange Christmas
Let your
heart be light
Huddle
in your shelter
And stay
out of sight
Have yourself
a merry Code Orange Christmas
Make the
Yuletide gay
Knowing
evildoers
Are just
miles away
How we
yearn for the olden days
Happy golden
days of yore
Pissed-off
knaves out to show us up
Want to
blow us up once more
Still the
White House tells us not to worry
Act like
nothing’s wrong
Not a damned
thing that you can do anyhow
So have
yourself a merry Code Orange Christmas now.
—Al
Quaglieri
|
Columns
& Opinions
