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Your
advice to Femme Teasing Mask, the woman who wrote in about
her crossdressing, female-latex-mask-wearing boyfriend, was
bullshit. You told her to break up with him, “[but] don’t
tell him the real reason you’re leaving: Let him think that
it’s not the crossdressing and the latex masks, but his breath
or his fashion sense. . . . Leave him, just leave him with
his newfound sense of pleasure in his fetish, OK?” Why the
hell should she do that? This guy needs to know that some
people aren’t into his elaborate fantasy life and that if
he pushes it to the exclusion of other kinds of sex then there
may be consequences. Let’s try to keep honesty on the same
level of importance as sexual fetish.
—Disgruntled
Reader
This
doesn’t happen too often, ladies and gentlemen, so you might
want to mark this date in your journals: DR is right, I was
wrong, and I’m taking it back—not all of my advice to FTM,
please note, just the bit where I advised FTM to lie to her
soon-to-be ex. The boyfriend needs to know that his insistence
on crossdressing and mask-wearing during sex to the exclusion
of other kinds of sex will, as DR points out, have consequences.
However, ladies and gentlemen, while I agree with DR on this
point, in no way should this rare reversal be interpreted
as a blanket endorsement of “honesty.” A nice idea in theory,
honesty is not always a workable one in practice. There are
times when a lie is the loving option and the right thing
to do. But this isn’t one of those times: As he looks for
a new relationship, FTM’s ex-boyfriend needs to know he can
be a crossdressing, latex-mask-wearing perv, but he can’t
be a selfish, crossdressing, latex-mask-wearing perv.
Your advice to FTM was incredibly hypocritical. In virtually
every instance, you counsel people to indulge in their partners’
kinks as a way to solidify their relationships. But in a case
where you actually find a sexually open woman, you tell her
that she fucked up her own relationship and that now she has
to “take some responsibility for the mess [she] made.”
So her boyfriend’s kink disturbs her—it disturbs me, too.
On the other hand, a lot of women are probably disturbed by
anal sex, or pretending to feed their husbands a stranger’s
semen, or any number of the other things that you suggest
to your readers. If they weren’t disturbed by these things,
they would just do them and not ask for your help in the first
place.
—Viva
la Vulva Libre!
FTM
wasn’t being sexually open, VLVL, she was being sexually dishonest.
Not merely disturbed by her boyfriend’s sexual interests,
FTM was disgusted by them—and not just by the masking. She
was disgusted by the crossdressing, a fetish she actively
encouraged her boyfriend to explore. Like I said last
week, it’s one thing to indulge your partner in a fetish that
you enjoy or you’re willing to play along with. It’s quite
another to indulge your partner in a fetish that you can’t
abide.
All sex partners should be good, giving, and game, as I’ve
written, and living up to the GGG standard makes certain demands
on us. First and foremost, I believe, being GGG requires us
to ask ourselves if we’re disturbed by our partner’s fetishes/sexual
requests because they’re disturbing, or if we’re disturbed
because we’ve never really thought about it before. With a
little time and experimentation, a little thoughtfulness and
patience (from both the indulger and the indulgee), people
who were disturbed by crossdressing or anal sex or humiliation
find that, hey, they enjoy it too. But it’s foolish to encourage
your partner to explore fetishes that disgust you, VLVL, and
cruel to let him think you’re digging it too, and then dump
his ass for being kinky. That’s all I wanted FTM to take responsibility
for.
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I look at spanking pages on the Internet and it is becoming
a bit of an obsession. My husband knows but I don’t think
he has any idea how much I like being spanked. I asked him
to spank me and he has spanked me a couple of times. I’m afraid
that if I tell him how much I like it, he’ll think I’m weird
or freaky, but I am also afraid of not getting the spankings
I crave. How do I tell him? I tried asking him what his fantasies
are but he says he hasn’t got any. Is this possible?
—Please
Answer This
It’s
entirely possible that your husband has no fantasies, PAT.
The sexually frustrated kinky person in a straight relationship
is not always the husband or the boyfriend, despite the impression
my column may have given you. Sometimes it’s the girlfriend
or the wife.
So you want the spankings you crave but you don’t want your
husband to think you’re weird or freaky. Sorry, PAT, but that’s
impossible. Until you take responsibility for your fetish—until
you let your husband know just how weird and freaky you are—you’re
never going to get the spankings you crave. So how do you
tell him? Like this: “Remember those few times you spanked
me? It was great. I loved it. It turned me on so much. I love
being spanked. I want you to spank me on a semi-regular basis.
And whenever you bend me over your knee and call me a bad
girl and tan my ass good, I promise to fuck your freaking
brains out. Is it a deal?”
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My boyfriend had a fantasy about watching me have sex with
another (unsuspecting) man from the closet in my room. Per
your advice of fulfilling partners’ fantasies, I went through
with it. After my good-looking friend left, my BF came out
of the closet (no pun intended) and freaked out because the
guy was cute and one of the things he wanted to see—the other
guy come on my face—actually grossed him out. Then he said
he didn’t want to be in the room with me, didn’t want to lie
next to me, and didn’t want to think about what had just happened.
I begged him to stay but he refused. There I lay, all night,
alone, feeling totally rejected. This whole thing backfired
and now I have no idea what to do.
—Damn
Experience Backfired
Look,
DEB, there are risks to not fulfilling your partner’s fantasies,
from festering resentment to your partner getting his needs
met elsewhere. There are also risks to fulfilling your partner’s
fantasies, from losing your partner over latex masks to your
partner’s sudden realization that his fantasy should have
remained a fantasy. Your boyfriend, DEB, may claim that he
falls into this last category—that seeing you with some other
guy’s come on your face was too much for him—but something
else is at work here. If the fantasy wasn’t working for him,
he could’ve called it off or refused to watch. But he didn’t
do that. Your boyfriend watched the whole thing—he watched
you do everything he asked—and then he emerged from his hiding
place and put the zap on your head. Why would he do that?
Because sometimes a psycho who wants to play mind games will
use “fulfill my fantasy” as a means to torment his poor, unfortunate
partner. You’re GGG, DEB, but your boyfriend is a sadistic
piece of shit. Dump him, DEB, and do it soon—don’t give this
sadistic little fuck the satisfaction of dumping you.
mail@savagelove.net
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