know you don’t want to hear this, Dan, but marriage is about
babies. By supporting the baby industry—i.e., hetero baby
producers—our government keeps the country populated. Gay
people can’t reproduce, even if they can raise other hetero
people’s kids (adoption) or use other people’s sperm (artificial
insemination). But never—and I mean never—can two gay people
produce a child on their own. Why is that so freakin’ hard
to understand? The natural urge of a man and a woman to make
babies is the basis of our existence. Your parents had that
urge one time and that’s why you exist. Duh. Santorum is not
a basis for a society. Get over it, baby.
Gay marriage is not necessary and takes energy away from hetero
baby makin’ and child rearing. We married baby producers assume
legal responsibility for the lives of our children. We should
be subsidized. It’s a lot of work but worth it to see my genetic
material carried into the future. My kids are exactly like
me and my wife smooshed together. The future for gays is limited
to what they can do in this lifetime. You can’t put gays and
straights on the same level—it’s unfair to us baby producers.
Now if we need a subcategory, something like “public union,
non-producer,” to make everyone feel good about themselves,
fine. So be it. But nothing else is as important as making
a person. Name one thing as important. I dare you.
something more important than making a person? That’s easy:
loving a person.
Baby producin’ straight couples are important, DAD, and there’s
nothing about allowing gay people to get married that takes
anything away from a pair of married, heterosexual baby producers.
(Not that babies are really that scarce a resource. There
are too many people on the planet as it is, not too few.)
And no one is suggesting that all people enter into
gay marriages, ya dope, thus denying our “government” a fully
populated country. Even if all the gay people on earth
got married tomorrow—and it bears keeping in mind that not
all gay people want to get married, could find someone to
marry, or would be willing to leave the priesthood in order
to marry—there would still be plenty of heteros out there
populating the hell out of the place.
But marriage, as currently practiced by heterosexuals, is
not about making babies. A modern marriage is whatever two
straight people want it to be. It can last a lifetime, it
can last an afternoon. It can be sexually exclusive, it can
be open. It can be sacred (church, family, priest), or it
can be profane (Vegas, strangers, Elvis). The wife can “joyfully
submit” to the husband, as Southern Baptist women are encouraged
to do, or the husband and wife can be equals. (Or as in the
case of my friends Zac and Megan, the husband can joyfully
submit to the wife.) And they can make little smooshes of
themselves, or they can be childless. What makes them married—in
their own eyes, and in the eyes of the state—is their love
and commitment to each other, not their commitment to growing
It’s only when gays and lesbians want to get married that
having kids—or the ability to make them, since plenty of gays
and lesbians have them—is trotted out as the sole purpose
of marriage. But older straight people get married, as do
infertile straight people—even straight people who are in
prison for life are allowed to get married. Why should loving,
committed gay couples be held to a different standard on marriage?
Why does fertility only matter when it comes time to deny
gay people the right to marry?
Gay marriage? Two people of the same sex aren’t meant to
be married. Just because a whole fucking bunch of you ass
rapers get together and say, “Hey, we should get married!”
doesn’t mean you should be able to get married. Maybe a bunch
of us straight folks ought to get together and start lobbying
for the “right” to sew all your assholes shut. Just because
enough people think it should be that way doesn’t mean we
should be able to do it. How come humans are the only animals
that engage in homosexual activity? Could it be a learned
aren’t the only animals that engage in homosexual activity,
MM, and that’s a well- documented fact. (Check out Bruce Bagemihl’s
book Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural
Diversity, which discusses the homosexual lifestyles of
orangutans, whales, warthogs, fruit bats, chaffinches, and
more than 200 other animals.) And maybe you missed the recent
story in the New York Times about two gay male penguins
at the Bronx Zoo who adopted and cared for a penguin chick.
So it would seem that the big difference between penguins
and humans isn’t that we practice homosexuality and penguins
don’t, MM, but that straight penguins aren’t threatened by
the existence of gay penguins. There is no penguin equivalent
of the Traditional Values Coalition, no penguin Gary Bauer
or Lou Sheldon, no penguin president trying to prevent so
and so from loving each other and adopting chicks, and no
straight penguins talking about sewing gay penguins’ assholes
As a straight girl who just recently got engaged, I just
wanted to let you know that I’m planning to add donations
to Freedom to Marry (www.free domtomarry.org) to my gift registry.
That’s such a great idea! I’ve been pretty upset about the
wedding because I hated the idea of so much money being blown
on the event. I’d rather have the money go toward something
of straight couples wrote in to say that they would add donations
to Freedom to Marry to their registry like Jeanne. One reader
even suggested that an organization should be founded to encourage
other straight people to do the same. I would love to see
that happen. If every time a straight couple got married a
donation was made to an organization fighting to legalize
gay marriage, my God, it would drive the religious fundies
absolutely nuts! The very people they claim to be protecting
from the “threat” of gay marriage—hetero couples—helping to
fund the fight for gay marriage via their own gift registries.
I’ve got my hands full doing this column and running www.spreading
santorum.com, so I can’t take this on. But someone out there
reading this should.
Whenever you digress into politics your column becomes
totally fucking boring. Can’t you write an advice column and
pursue your political shit somewhere else? I want to read
letters from people with sick sexual perversions so I can
feel better about my own perversions. OK?
about this week’s column, RPK. Still, it’s next to impossible
to write about sex in the United States without occasionally
diving into politics. And remember: I’m not the one politicizing
the sex lives of Americans. The Republicans, Bushies, and
fundamentalists are to blame—they’re the ones politicizing
sex by trying to take away our reproductive rights, fight
gay marriage, and destroy sex education.
But next week, RPK, no politics, I swear. We will instead
tackle the issue of pussy farts. Do women ever pass gas through
their vaginas? Or do they just pass gas past them? Tune in
next week for the shocking truth.