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As
an avid reader of your column, I thought of you and only you
for help with this problem. My grandmother, 78 and widowed,
is a kind, generous woman who has seen her share of difficult
times. She is a bit offbeat, but extremely conservative and
religious. After my grandfather passed on, she purchased a
lively little parakeet and named him Pretty Baby. Pretty Baby
has provided wonderful companionship and entertainment for
my grandmother, even learning to speak to her. Pretty is an
amazing mimic, repeating phrases she has taught him: “I love
you,” “Lock the door!,” “Give me kisses,” etc.
The problem is the kissing . . . or what I recently witnessed
the kissing leads to. One evening Pretty began to squawk,
“Give me kisses, give me kisses,” and my grandmother walked
over to the cage and slipped one finger between the bars.
Pretty Baby proceeded to “kiss” her fingernail and flutter
about. She purred, “Give Grandma lovin’, Pretty Baby, give
Grandma lovin’.” She then turned to me and said, “Pretty Baby
wants to give me lovin’ and he won’t quiet down until he does.”
Pretty Baby proceeded to screech more and more loudly, as
he humped my grandmother’s finger wildly. She also moved it
back and forth for him. I was stunned and unsure of what was
happening so I sat quietly in my chair looking in the opposite
direction, hoping I wasn’t really witnessing what I thought
I was. My grandmother cleared it up quickly, saying, “He’ll
calm down after he climaxes,” smiling away and continuing
to repeat, “Give me your lovin’, Pretty Baby, that’s it. .
. .” When Pretty Baby was finished, she looked back at me
and said, “I better wash my hands!” I left minutes later,
unable to process what had just happened. Grandmother, however,
never flinched, acting like it was an everyday occurrence.
I’m still horrified. Should I be concerned, Dan? About my
grandmother? About Pretty Baby? Help!
—Polly
Wanna Wanker
I’ve
been doing this job for a while now, PWW, and rarely do I
get a question about a subject, sex act, position, kink, or
bodily fluid that I’ve never had the pleasure of addressing
before. But your question, PWW, is definitely a first. And
a treat! A grandmother whacking off her pet parakeet? That’s
the kind of question I live for! I almost hate to admit it—I
mean, I don’t want you to think I’m as sick a fuck as your
grandmother is—but I was thrilled to receive your letter.
Thrilled!
I was also suspicious. Could PWW be making this up? Did this
grandma exist? Can you actually beat off a parakeet? Before
I sought out some guest experts to address the whole beating-off-a-parakeet
issue, I wrote back to PWW personally and demanded more background
info. After speaking with PWW I can report that, yes, this
grandmother exists, she owns a parakeet, and she’s one sick
fuck.
“Birds
often begin to exhibit mating behavior when they reach sexual
maturity,” said Pierre Brooks, who owns 33rd & Bird, a
bird shop in New York City, and agreed to discuss this delicate
issue with me. “For a singly-kept pet bird this can include
attempts at mating with one of their toys or perches.” How
about the little old lady that owns ’em? “We have not come
across an owner that becomes the bird’s surrogate mate, but
it is not unrealistic.”
But is it healthy? Is it good for the bird? Is it good for
Grandma?
“If
this were one of our customers, we would advise the customer
that the bird may be lonely and suggest introducing another
parakeet for companionship. However this may not solve the
problem. Birds are similar to humans: They are selective about
their mates. Simply putting a male and female bird together
does not guarantee that they will like one another, let alone
breed.” And as much as you may want to tell your grandmother
she’s a sick fuck and she’s got to stop beating off the bird,
that might not be in the bird’s best interest. “A bird [can]
feel lonely and sexually frustrated if its mate is taken away.”
And like it or not, your grandmother is Pretty Baby’s mate.
Seeking a second opinion, I spoke with Jesse B., who owns
Ford’s Feathers in Torrance, California. “When it comes to
a bird, they can be stimulated by any object. A toy, a perch.
I haven’t heard of anyone masturbating their parakeet before.”
Did he think it was wrong? “If she’s doing it because the
bird wants it and she wants to make the bird feel better,
that might be OK. But if she’s doing it for self-pleasure
or because it excites her? Then she’s got a problem.”
When it came to any long-term harm, Jesse agreed with Pierre.
“It’s not going to hurt the bird. Or your grandmother. It’s
good that the bird is male, though. You can induce the production
of eggs in a female by stimulating her, and if they start
releasing eggs, there’s always the risk of the bird becoming
egg-bound, basically an egg stuck in the bird’s stomach, and
that can kill the bird. But this is a male parakeet, so it’s
not a problem.”
Not a problem unless, of course, you’re the poor bastard who
has to sit there and watch her widowed, kind, generous, conservative,
religious grandmother finger-fuck her parakeet. That can’t
be easy. But while I sympathize with your plight, PWW, I would
urge you not to confront your dear ol’ gran. Even if she is
“doing it for self-pleasure,” as Jesse worried she might be,
she’s probably not long for this world and doesn’t have much
in her life to distract her from impending death—why take
this small pleasure, however sick and twisted, away from the
old lady? Your grandma isn’t hurting the bird and she’s not
hurting herself, and it’s not like she’s going to turn into
a bird molester and start jumping on pigeons in parks. Why
say anything that’s only going to make the old broad feel
self-conscious about what she’s been up to with Pretty Baby?
So keep your mouth shut, PWW, and just pray she doesn’t leave
you that sicko bird in her will.
I just had to write in after reading about the two gay
penguins who adopted a chick. Loved that story! I had two
pet female ducks who fell in love and used to try to mate
all the time. They’d perform all the ritual courtship head-bobbing,
and then one would lower herself to the ground and the other
would climb on top. The behavior was exactly the same as the
mating behavior between male and female ducks. So anyone who
says animals don’t engage in homosexuality is just plain ignorant.
It’s been documented time and time again.
—Lesbian
Duck Mom
Thanks
for sharing, LDM, and for sending in a note that works so
well with the “feathered friend” theme of this week’s column—it’s
also nice that it’s a story about birds mating with birds,
as God intended birds to mate.
Oh, and speaking of those gay penguins: I made a mistake in
the column where I mentioned Roy and Silo, the gay penguins
who were given an egg to hatch and raised the chick together.
The couple doesn’t reside in the Bronx Zoo, as I wrote in
Savage Love a few weeks back. What self-respecting gay penguins
would live in the Bronx, for crying out loud? Roy and Silo
and their adopted child, Tango, all live at the Central Park
Zoo, in Manhattan, with the rest of New York City’s trendy
gay parents.
mail@savagelove.net
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