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Please
excuse the lack of pussy farts and gay penguins in this e-mail,
but it would be nice if you could help out a straight guy
with a meat-and-potato problem every once in a while.
My girlfriend is the most complete mattress-back I have ever
encountered. She refuses to adopt any position that doesn’t
involve her keeping an eye on the ceiling. Not only that,
she declines any attempt at foreplay. At first I thought
this was a shyness thing, but after talks with her friends
(and later her) it was revealed that even after more than
five decent-term partners (including a girl), she hasn’t put
her own hand to any form of genitalia (male/female/own) in
her entire life.
She shows interest and potential willingness and is not repulsed
by sex (or me); I’m certain there’s no history of sex abuse.
Yet all my attempts to add a bit of variety (like, oh, touching
and stuff) are met with a stiff palm and a “sorry.” It’s
getting harder to be aroused, frankly. Is she as interested
in me as she claims or is this some sort of insecurity thing?
—Beloved
Oral Recreation Eternally Denied
Help
out a straight guy? That’s what I’m here for, BORED, and I’ve
done more for you straight guys than all the homos on all
the reality shows could do in a hundred years. I’ve done more
for the average straight guy than any straight guy has ever
done for me! (With the exception of you, Mike, who did stuff
for me that most gay guys won’t.) Who, BORED, is constantly
telling straight women that (a) all men look at porn, and
(b) they’re not allowed to have a problem with that? Me. Who
is constantly telling straight women that men just aren’t
wired for monogamy and that any guy who cheats on them only
once or twice in an LTR did a pretty good job of being faithful?
Me. Who tells women that oral sex—giving and getting—is standard
these days and any model that comes without it should be returned
to the lot? Me.
And who’s going to tell you to dump the mattress-back and
go find yourself a girl who isn’t so deadly dull in bed? Me,
that’s who. (And you’re welcome, you fucking ingrate!) This
is a case of DTMFA—dump the motherfucker already—if ever I
saw one, BORED. Your girlfriend may have shown interest and
potential willingness but she isn’t going to get off her back
and do anything about her lame sexual “technique,” if it can
be called that, until it starts costing her sex partners/boyfriends/husbands.
So dump her, BORED. She’ll either realize that she has to
get off her back to get you back or she’ll go find herself
a guy with a passion for still, lifeless women—and those guys
exist, and they’re going to be writing me asking for your
contact info, BORED, on the off chance that you do dump your
girlfriend.
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I’m 42, she’s 39. We’ve been dating for two months, and
it’s great—great sex, lots of fun. Now she wants to move in
together and have a kid. I know, her clock is ticking, but
I have a couple of concerns. She belongs to a cultish religion
that creeps me out—not enough to break up with her as a boyfriend,
but I don’t want to raise a family in it. Also, she’s talked
about getting a sperm donor so I wouldn’t have to be responsible
for it. That’s not really the point—I’m not afraid of commitment,
or averse to the idea of having a family, but I do think we
need another year or so to really get to know each other.
I had a difficult childhood, and I’m somewhat offended by
the idea of a biological imperative—a baby is not an entitlement,
and her eagerness to have “a” kid strikes me as a bit narcissistic.
Or am I the one being narcissistic? Who the hell am I? I’m
losing my hair, growing love handles, I’ve only got a teacher’s
salary—not exactly a catch. Shouldn’t I consider myself lucky
that an attractive woman wants my child?
—Wanna
Go Slow
Anyone
who asks you to knock her up after two months (!)—or
hold her hand while a doc shoves someone else’s frozen sperm
cubes up her twat—is a fucking nut case. For your sake I hope
you’re using condoms with this woman because she sounds like
a perfect candidate for “I got my birth control pills mixed
up with my Flintstones chewable vitamins!”
It’s great that you’re not afraid of commitment—too many straight
guys are, WGS, and on this issue I side with the ladies. A
man’s fear of commitment is boring, boring, boring; it’s not
the interesting existential dilemma so many of you straight
guys seem to think it is. (Of course, maybe straight guys
wouldn’t fear commitment so much, ladies, if it didn’t mean
never seeing anyone else naked ever again. Just saying.) But
you should be terrified of committing to a woman who wants
to make a baby with you after two months, to say nothing of
seeing your kid raised in some crackpot religion—and that
describes every last one of ’em, in my opinion. DTMFA.
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Recently on a visit home I was using the computer and found
out my father likes to look at porn, specifically at transsexuals
and young (18+) girls. This deeply disturbed me, and I don’t
want to talk about it with him, to spare us both the embarrassment.
My mom is a deeply Christian woman and would freak out if
she found this on her computer, and my dad doesn’t cover his
tracks well. I know looking at chicks with dicks doesn’t make
my dad gay, but my mom wouldn’t see it that way. Do I have
an obligation to make an awkward confrontation for the sake
of my family?
—Torn
in Texas
Your
obligation, TIT, is to handle this situation in a way that
doesn’t humiliate your father any more than necessary and
avoids mortifying your mother entirely. Go to your dad and
say, “Hey, I stumbled over some of those porn sites you were
looking at, big guy. I like 18-year-old girls just as much
as the next guy, but I don’t think Mom would approve. Since
we both don’t want Mom to stumble over your stash of pretty
young women, let me show you how to cover your tracks a bit
better, OK?”
If you don’t mention his chicks-with-dicks porn—and you shouldn’t—and
make a point of mentioning the naked young ladies,
your dad will think you didn’t find the tranny shit. Then
show him how to hide/delete/erase like a pro. Then never,
ever mention it again, ever, to him, to your mom, to anyone.
Not even halfway through the letter about the parakeet
freak, I was convinced it was completely bogus, phony, completely
falsified.
—Mike
I
thought so too, Mike, until I looked into it and learned—from
bird experts—that people can, do, and will jerk off their
birds. And ever since the letter appeared in my column, I’ve
been buried in mail from people describing their own sexual
relationships with birds or sexual relationships they’ve witnessed
others having with birds. For a taste, go to www.metroland.net/savage_birds.html.
mail@savagelove.net
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