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My
problem starts when I get an erection. Within seconds my cock
starts to dribble this clear, sticky liquid. This happens
every time I get stiff. I guess I thought it was normal. I’ve
had no other cock problems and sex has always been great and
it all works like it should. None of my ex-girlfriends ever
said anything about this. The problem is now I have a new
girlfriend who says it’s not normal and I should see a doctor.
She is really put off by it. I’ve become so embarrassed and
self-conscious about this that it’s put me off sex—especially
getting blowjobs, as I can’t help but think my girlfriend
is freaked out by my cock. Am I a freak? Should I see a doctor?
—Weeping
Willy
I
will never want for work. So long as Americans are as ignorant
and misinformed about sex as WW and his girlfriend here, there
will always be a need for columns like mine. So before I answer
your question, WW, I want to thank the people who make sure
each new generation of Americans is as ignorant and misinformed
about sex as the last: Thank you, sex-phobic parents, crazy
cultural conservatives, loopy evangelical Christians, and
moronic abstinence “educators.” As I get ready to celebrate
my 13th year as a sex advice columnist this August (and 33rd
birthday as well!), it’s a comfort to know that I can continue
to max out my credit cards and blow money on rent boys without
having to worry about losing my job.
On to your question, WW: That clear, sticky liquid dribbling
out of your cock? It’s called pre-come. (Or “pre-cum,” if
you want to be illiterate about it.) Pre-come is a fluid secreted
by your Cowper’s glands, which are two wee glands that pump
a slick, watery fluid into your urethra when you’re turned
on. (Your urethra is the tube that carries your piss and come
out of your body.) This natural lubricant slicks up your urethra
so that (1) your sperm cells aren’t scorched by any trace
amounts of acidic urine in your piss tube, and (2) your thick,
white junk goes flying as you ejaculate instead of just gumming
up the inside of your tube. Producing a lot of pre-come, which
some men do, has the added benefit of helping to keep whatever
orifice you’re banging away at nice and slick. And the more
turned on a guy is, WW, the more pre-come he tends to leak.
So tell your girlfriend that your leaky dick means you like
her, you really, really like her, and that you don’t need
to see a doctor.
Finally, WW, you can take some comfort in knowing that you
and your girlfriend aren’t the most ignorant and misinformed
couple on the planet. According to the British news service
Ananova.com, a married German couple were having trouble getting
pregnant so they went to see some fertility docs. The docs
ran tests, determined that both the husband and wife were
fertile, and called them in for a talk. “When we asked them
how often they had had sex,” a spokesman for the clinic told
the press, “they looked blank and said, ‘What do you mean?’”
The 30-year-old wife and her 36-year-old husband—married eight
years!—didn’t know “the physical requirements necessary to
procreate.” The couple, the report went on, were “not retarded,”
they had just grown up in a “religious environment,” i.e.,
they grew up in the kind of no-information-about-sex-please-we’re-fundies
environment that America’s religious kooks want to impose
on us all.
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I don’t suppose you’ve ever heard of a stretch-mark fetish?
I’ve read stretch marks are hereditary, and I managed to get
a lot of them (thanx, Ma). I still look like a zebra six months
after my pregnancy—they’re everywhere. Where’s a straight
man who loves this sort of thing?
—Stripes
I’ve
never heard from a stretch-mark fetishist before, Stripes,
and a quick Google search didn’t turn up any stretchy websites—not
terribly hopeful signs. You’ll probably have to find yourself
a nice straight guy who loves you despite your stripes, Stripes,
not because of your stripes.
Finally . . . um . . . at the risk of sounding like the kind
of cultural conservatives I beat up in my last response .
. . what the hell happened to the straight guy who fathered
the child you just had? Where the hell did he go? If anyone
should be hanging out lovin’ your stripes, it’s him. Even
if he’s out of the picture for some very good reason, what
on earth is a woman with a six-month-old infant at home doing
looking for stretch-mark fetishists anyway? I mean, I know
you’re still a woman, Stripes, and that you have needs like
any other woman, but aren’t you swamped at the moment with
the whole infant thing? What’s the big rush? Your stripes
aren’t going anywhere, are they? You’ll have plenty of time
for cheap, meaningless sex with a straight stretch-mark fetishist—provided
you can locate one—when your kid is sleeping through the night.
Jeez.
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So I just started a new McJob due to the pressures of bills
and our god-awful job market. Mainly, I work with a bunch
of 16- and 17-year-old girls. Myself, I’m a 29-year-old male.
I recently found myself looking up “age of consent” laws on
www.ageofconsent.com. It says that the age of consent in my
particular state is 16. Now, if the far-fetched fantasy of
many straight males were to occur and one of the girls said,
“Take me home, I’d like to fuck you,” something tells me I’d
still get in a heap of legal trouble. What is the deal with
teenage girls and the law?
—Dirty
Old Man
If
your McJob isn’t in a McSchool—if you’re not a teacher or
a coach—the law in your state is clear: You can fuck your
young coworkers senseless, DOM, so long as the sex is consensual.
But remember the first rule of sleeping with legal teenagers:
Younger sex partners are like campsites, DOM. You should always
leave ’em in better condition than you found ’em. Don’t knock
’em up, don’t give ’em STDs, and don’t mislead ’em about the
long-term possibilities (which are nil). Make sure they’re
having fun, be open and accommodating, and combat their youthful
ignorance about sex by answering their questions.
I have some advice for Insert Witty Name Here, the guy
that hates using condoms and can’t finish with them. I had
the same problem too, but there’s a couple of tips that can
help:
1. Put some lubricant on the tip of your tool before you put
the condom on. It might take a little practice to get the
best results, but it will make it feel much better if the
condom slides around a little. I’m pretty sure you’ve told
us this before, Dan, but I think this guy needs a reminder.
2. All condoms are not created equal. I consider myself average,
but Trojans are just too damn small to be comfortable. Even
if a condom feels like a snug fit and goes on easily enough,
it can be too tight for me to really get the feeling that
makes me come. I’ve tried most of the brands out there, and
have had best results with LifeStyles Ultra Thin. He should
just try a wide variety and see what works best.
Always enjoy the column, Dan.
—Condoms
on College Kink
Thanks
for sharing, COCK. To read more condom advice for IWNH, go
to www.metroland.net/savage/IWNH.html.
mail@savagelove.net
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