fetish is pretty unoriginal, but has been lacking attention
in your column for as long as I’ve been reading it. I have
a breast fetish. More specifically, I like bigger-than-your-head
breasts. Could you find out why all the huge-breasted porn
stars of the mid-’90s (Tiffany Towers, Wendy Whoppers) left
the industry and why there aren’t any new ones replacing them?
And more importantly, how do I find a partner that is willing
(and eager) to get her breasts enlarged to epic proportions?
Requesting Education About Super Tits
you know that if you Google “huge breasts,” you get 1,170,000
hits? But if you Google “huge balls,” you get only 67,000?
And that if you Google “huge asshole,” you get 8,830—including
a link to the official White House website?
My assistant, Mahrya, discovered these amazing facts, BREAST,
while tracking down Tiffany Towers and Wendy Whoppers, neither
of whom responded, as they say at The New York Times,
to my repeated requests for comment. I could’ve looked up
“huge breasts” myself, I suppose, but enormoboobs are so early-to-mid
Clinton-era, you know? I like to reserve my time for researching
newer, freakier fetishes, thank you very much, so it seemed
like the perfect assignment for my assistant. Apparently not.
Shortly after tracking down Tiffany Towers, Mahrya informed
me that she’s moving on. It seems my assistant found more
respectable work at a law firm where she won’t have to Google
“huge breasts” ever again. (The partners will have to Google
that for themselves.) While I’m sorry to see Mahrya go—thanks
for everything, M.—I am looking forward to hiring a new assistant.
Does spending the day Googling enormoboobs, tracking down
retired porn stars, and gently reminding me about deadlines
I’ve already missed sound appealing? Send me an e-mail. (Male
applicants are encouraged to enclose pictures of themselves
On to your issues, BREAST: Since Miss Towers and Miss Whoppers
wouldn’t speak to me, I can’t tell you precisely where they’ve
gone. (Perhaps they’ve gone to see surgeons about having those
basketball-size implants removed?) But I can tell you why
the boom in enormoboobs went . . . wait for it . . . bust,
BREAST. The sudden appearance of women with ridiculously huge
boob implants was arousing in part because of its shock value.
There was the shock of women with such exaggerated racks,
of course, but there was also the more important and, sadly,
the infinitely more arousing shock of women finding a novel
new way to imperil their health in order to attract the attention
of men. Men have always found it arousing when women go to
bizarre extremes—self- mutilation (bound feet) and self-torture
(high heels)—to make themselves more attractive, and enormoboobs
were extreme in the extreme. That enormoboobs played into
the deeply ingrained and thoroughly eroticized misogyny that
plagues all human cultures to varying degrees was lost on
most men. (Let’s not be too relativist about this: I’m sure
most women would prefer to live in a culture that allows women
who want to have enormoboobs to go and get them over, say,
a culture that compels all women to have their clits cut off.)
So why did the enormoboobs thing go bust? Once the shock value
wore off, BREAST, what was left? Women with huge racks. But
once you’ve seen 20 or 30 women with huge breasts tossing
chairs at each other on Jerry Springer, well, the fetish
doesn’t seem so fresh anymore. The porn market moved on, Towers
and Whoppers found it harder to get work, and new porn stars
didn’t line up for enormoboob jobs because there wasn’t any
money in it.
While the culture has moved on to other, fresher, more interesting
fetishes—robo fetish, anyone?—you’ve still got a bone for
enormoboobs. That’s a problem, BREAST, because finding a partner
who’s willing to torture herself by getting huge implants
is going to be tough. Most of the women who got them were
looking to cash in on the porn-driven craze for huge breasts
and/or go on Springer and toss chairs around. They didn’t
do it to please themselves or just one guy. Body mods, however,
are an emerging fetish, BREAST, and you might find a woman
out there who’s into body mods who would be willing to blow
her chest up to enormous proportions to please you. She may
very well insist, however, that you reciprocate by blowing
your balls up to please her. She’ll have a hard time standing
up, BREAST, and you’ll have a hard time sitting down, but
we all have to make sacrifices for love, right?
You’ve got to think before you write. The electroshock
stuff you talk about can be used on people against their will.
Innocent victims are going to suffer because you’ve told everyone
where to find these products! I’m not talking about the sadists
who build their lives around sexually torturing strangers—if
you like, you can claim that every single one of them would
have found out about Eros Tek without your help. But you’ve
got a broad reach. Government torturers from other countries
visit America, or send their kids to expensive colleges here.
These people can easily find out about Eros Tek from your
column. When resistance fighters and their families learn
to recognize the Eros Tek brand name, you’ll deserve part
of the credit.
that torture their political enemies don’t need any tips on
technique from me. Frayed electric cords and car batteries
are more their style, RR, and they’ve never needed pricey
e-stim devices designed for erotic play to get their point
across. But just to be sure, RR, I decided to give Amnesty
International a call.
on technology that could be used to torture is not the cause
of the problem,” said Alistair Hodgett, media director for
Amnesty International USA. “Almost anything can be used to
inflict torture, from a bowl of water (for mock drowning)
to a hood (for sensory deprivation). Preventing torture requires
not silence about these facts but action to counter its causes,
prohibit it in law, and prosecute those who commit or order
According to Amnesty International, there are 132 regimes
that torture people—including, presumably, George Bush’s regime—and
they already have access to all sorts of electrical devices.
“High-voltage stun guns and stun batons have made it easier
to inflict painful shocks that leave little evidence of torture,”
says Hodgett, “and Amnesty International’s researchers have
found that the U.S. exports large amounts of electroshock
equipment,” some 20 million bucks’ worth every year, “including
to countries that have been documented as using such weapons
to torture.” Single stun guns sell for as little as $20, RR,
while Eros Tek’s products cost between $300 and $400. “The
upshot is that governments who want to purchase high-voltage
electroshock weapons find that there are many cheap sources.
. . . For the purposes of torture, there’s no need to spend
hundreds of dollars on an Eros Tek unit when the U.S. will
allow the export of $20 high-voltage stun guns.” (For more
info about stopping the export of cheap, high-voltage stun
guns to countries that use them for torture, go to www.amnestyusa.org/stoptorture.)
But hey, you could still be proved right, RR. If regimes that
torture their political opponents are scrutinizing my column
for tips, we may start to see the political enemies of Russian
President/emerging dictator Vladimir Putin or the Saudi royals
walking around with enormoboobs, which I described as torture
in this column twice. If that doesn’t happen, RR, you’re going
to have to look for something else to get your precious li’l
panties in a twist about.