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Are
porn performers who take it in the ass all on drugs? Every
girl I’ve tried it with (all of them willing, mind you) wails
in pain and declares the ass unpassable! Are porno bottoms,
male and female, all coked out of their minds or something?
Seems like they’d have to be to take those huge porno cocks
in their asses.
—Make
Up an Interesting Acronym for Me
So
you’ve tried anal sex with numerous girls—all of them willing
(and some people say chivalry is dead!)—and it’s been a disaster
every time. Hmm. Many women, many butts, one guy. They’re
the bottoms, you’re the top. Hmm. That makes you the common
denominator, MUAIAFM, so it could well be that the reason
all those porno bottoms enjoy anal sex isn’t that they’re
all on drugs (although some no doubt are), but that none of
them are bottoming for you. I thinks you gots to checks yourself,
as they’re still saying on Ricki. Before you accuse
all happy anal bottoms of abusing drugs, let’s check on your
technique. Did you engage in a great deal of anal foreplay?
Did you rim all those girls until your tongue was as sore
as you hoped to make their asses? Did you try a few fingers
first? Did you use lots of lube? Did you put your dick in
sssslllloooowwwwllllyyyy, about one-eighth of an inch at a
time, encouraging your partners to breathe deeply and let
their anal muscles gradually relax to accommodate your dick?
Once inside, did you wait for permission to start the actual
fucking? And when you did start fucking, did you start sssslllloooowwwwllllyyyy?
If you answered “no” to any of the above questions, MUAIAFM,
then you’re responsible for making all those asses unpassable.
Before your next willing victim allows you to take a stab
at her, I suggest you do some reading (I recommend Anal
Pleasure and Health by Jack Morin) and some experimenting.
Get yourself a buttplug or a dildo and learn by doing—by doing
yourself. Believe me, MUAIAFM, you’ll have a better understanding
of just how sssslllloooowwwwllllyyyy to go, of just how much
lube and prep a butt needs, after you’ve bottomed a few times
by yourself, for yourself.
I’m a girl that really enjoys being fisted by my
boyfriend. We don’t do it too often because I worry that frequent
or prolonged fisting will loosen me up too much. How much
is too much? Could I become the Grand Canyon if we indulge
in it too often?
—Fisting
Is Super Titillating
“It
isn’t looseness that permits insertion,” says Deborah Addington,
author of A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting
(Greenery Press), “it’s control. The pubococcygeal muscle
is the ring of muscle inside the vagina and relaxing the PC
muscle is what permits insertion. If a woman does her Kegels,
she can buff up that muscle and be better able to control
it. A buff PC muscle not only aids in fisting, but it can
also reduce the odds of urinary incontinence later in life.
Additionally, a buff PC can be used to tighten down around
anything that gets inserted.”
So if you and your buff PC muscle get fisted a lot, FIST,
will you wind up huge and loose? “If a woman was fisted four
or five times a day, every day, for several years,” says Addington,
“she might begin to notice some loss of vaginal elasticity.”
So buff up your pubococcygeal muscle (start buffing it now),
but remember to fist in moderation.
As a long time reader and fan of your column and books,
I was hoping for a reference. You see, I applied for a job
at a nice little sex shop in Portland, Maine called Condom
Sense. Since the majority of the sexual knowledge I have is
because of you, and because they said my references would
be a big factor in deciding if I would get the job, I thought
why the hell not try to have you on my list of references?
I am a hard-working, 25-year-old guy down on his luck, Dan.
I think they would get a kick out of me telling them that
Dan Savage says I have what it takes to serve the public.
—Neill
Needs a Job
Oh,
Neill. I would love to help you out but I’m afraid I can’t.
Since we’ve never actually worked together, I don’t know if
you’re presentable or good with customers or, shit, if you’re
even capable of making change. You could be a morphine addict
for all I know. And while I’m glad you’re a fan of the column,
I’m sorry to say that being a regular reader of Savage Love
doesn’t carry a lot of weight with me. Judging from my e-mail,
a lot of my regular readers, to say nothing of my fans, are
out of their fucking minds.
How about asking your readers to send in stories about
childhood misconceptions they had about sex, and give a Savage
Love prize to whoever has the funniest story? (By “funniest,”
I mean stories we can laugh about now, as opposed to “I thought
you couldn’t get pregnant the first time, and boy, did I find
out how wrong I was when I missed my period.”) I’ll give you
an example:
When I was about eight, my father decided it was time for
my older brother to learn about sex via Nova’s “masterpiece,”
The Miracle of Life. Knowing that my brother would
either tell me anyway, or twist the facts just enough to scar
me for life (what else are brothers for?), Dad decided it
wouldn’t hurt to have me sit in. At one point, there is a
slow-motion shot of the head of the penis as it ejaculates
inside the vaginal canal. Because it was a close-up, the head
looked about the size of a basketball and I was convinced
there was no way I could ever have sex.
Fast-forward about 10 years. Dad takes us to Paris for a week.
As we’re looking at the Greek and Roman statuary in the Louvre,
I noticed how small the penises all were. I remember thinking:
“If that’s average, then sex with a guy will be no problem!”
Unfortunately, I didn’t take into account that all those marble
penises were flaccid. Six months later, I see my first real-life
erection, and all I could think was, “Jesus Christ! That’s
huge!” The head wasn’t as big as a basketball but it was
a lot bigger than those penises I saw in the Louvre.
—Laughing
at Myself Now
That’s
a marvelous idea, LAMN. Readers are hereby invited to send
amusing misconceptions to fuckedinthehead@savagelove.net.
If I get enough amusing stories, I’ll dedicate a couple of
columns to them toward the end of the summer. In the meantime,
I can’t resist sharing one that, like LAMN’s, involves a brother:
My older brother Eddie told me when I was, oh, about 12, that
a blowjob was when a man opened a woman’s vagina and blew
into it. You had to do this, he explained, to inflate the
woman’s vagina enough to get your penis inside. You can imagine
my distress the first time a guy offered to give me a blowjob.
“I was dumb and young,” Eddie says today in his own defense.
“You shouldn’t have listened to me. I didn’t even learn what
a clit was until I was 19. It’s not like we had good health
or sex-education classes in our Catholic grade school.”
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