my home state, I went to a favorite store where folks buy
porn, buy sex toys, or sit in “private” booths and watch XXX
videos. It’s always crawling with gay men, such as myself,
looking for sex. In the parking lot I ran into my stepfather
of 12 years, a man who married my mother long after I left
home. (I’m 47.) I was stunned. He said he’d been in there
to get a magazine for a friend. In my amazement, I didn’t
have much to say, which is rare. I’ve thought of several ways
to handle this but I’m wondering what you would do.
Small a World
I accidentally discovered that a parent or stepparent of mine
had a secret sex life, a distressing porn stash, or a varsity-level
kink, TSAW, I would do what I’ve always urged readers who
find themselves in similar situations to do: Mind my own business,
keep my mouth shut, and pretend it never happened. In this
specific instance, I would also pretend that married straight
guys sometimes go to cruisy video arcades to pick up porn
magazines for their straight male friends. Ahem.
But perhaps you’re concerned for your mother’s health, TSAW,
in which case you feel you can’t pretend this didn’t happen.
If your stepfather is giving or getting head in that video
arcade, your mother may be at risk of catching, at the very
least, a terrible case of cooties. If this is your concern,
TSAW, you have three options:
Option No. 1: Take comfort in the likelihood that your mom
and stepfather aren’t having sex anymore. While many older
couples fuck like infertile rabbits, many stop having sex
and stay together for the companionship, conversation, and
comfort of an established LTR. In some happy instances, both
husband and wife lose interest in sex around about the same
time. But frequently, TSAW, only one person loses interest.
(And, no, it’s not always the wife.) Frequently these mismatched
husbands and wives come to an unspoken understanding: The
spouse who wants sex doesn’t make demands on the one who doesn’t
in exchange for the one who doesn’t want sex turning a blind
eye to the other spouse’s itch-scratching porn collection,
piece on the side, or occasional visit to a jackshack. For
all you know this is the state of your mother and stepfather’s
Option No. 2: Have a short, awkward, mutually humiliating
conversation with your stepfather: “I know what you were doing
in that arcade—I’m gay, dear ol’ stepdad, not retarded. Carry
on however you like, but if you hurt or injure my mother’s
health I’ll cut you into a million pieces.”
Option No. 3: Go nuclear. Tell your mother what you saw, tell
her what you suspect, and sit back and watch all hell break
loose. Even if your mom and stepfather have the sort of relationship
described above—she’s not interested in sex, he doesn’t make
demands, she turns a blind eye—being confronted with the details,
knowing that her son knows, and discovering that she may be
married to a homo may be so humiliating that your mother leaves
her husband. But if he isn’t putting her at risk (provided
he’s being very, very safe in that arcade and/or he and your
mother aren’t sexual anymore), getting his rocks off at the
porn arcade may be all that allows your stepdad to remain
content—and therefore remain married to your mother. Looking
at it this way, his porn shop visits serve the greater good,
no? They allow him to continue providing your mother with
the companionship, conversation, and comfort of an established
LTR. All of those things have value, TSAW, and unless your
mother’s health is at risk you should think long and hard
before you sacrifice them on the altar of Honesty.
I never tried drugs in high school. Getting ready to head
into my third year of college in Baltimore, some friends and
I were hanging out. One of the girls pressured us all into
trying Ecstasy. Big mistake. After 30 minutes, I started
to get incredibly horny. We all did. There were seven of us:
four boys, three girls; two hetero couples, three hetero singles.
I’ll just be blunt instead of dragging this out: I did all
four girls, two of which are my best friends. I even did stuff
with the guys (and I’m a bit of a homophobe, so I’m kinda
freaked). My dick wouldn’t go down. I shot three loads.
The aftermath? No one is talking. Both couples broke up. Why
did we get like this on E? Why did we all go berserk? I mean,
I didn’t even tell you all the stuff we did—it was that bad.
Can you explain this?
can’t explain it, MWM, but I can hope the Partnership for
a Drug-Free America uses your story in one of its ad campaigns.
I, for one, would much rather watch a dramatic reenactment
of the Ecstasy-fueled orgy you described, MWM, than yet another
ad about the imaginary horrors of pot. (Hey, Partnership for
a Drug-Free America: If you want to get the attention of young
adults, a short film about seven college-age kids who take
Ecstasy and wind up in a heap fucking each other in every
possible position and gender combination—straight guys doing
straight guys, straight girls doing straight girls—would be
a lot more effective than that awful one about how pot causes
date rape. Suggested cast: Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, Ashlee
Simpson, Avril Lavigne [as the girl who pressures everyone
into trying Ecstasy], Aaron Carter, Tom Welling, and pro-snowboarder/skateboarder
Sean White as “Mistakes Were Made.” If you need help scripting
this epic, you have my e-mail address.)
No, wait—maybe I can explain it: As any college student
in Baltimore should be aware, MWM, recreational drugs lower
inhibitions—that’s one of the reasons people use them. So
you took some Ecstasy and your inhibitions fell away. The
drug did not make you go berserk, kiddo, nor did the drug
make you do “stuff” with the guys. You and all your horny
friends used the drug as an excuse to go berserk. You did
“stuff” with the guys because you wanted to, not because the
drug compelled you to.
But you’re slightly homophobic! How could a guy like you wind
up sucking dick? Just so, MWM: Studies have shown that homophobia,
slight or otherwise, correlates neatly with homosexual urges.
Why? Because a guy who has 98.2 percent hetero desires and
just 1.8 percent homosexual will, to protect himself from
his homosexual urges, cultivate a slight case of homophobia.
This slight case of homophobia serves to reassure the 98.2
percent straight guy that he’s really 100-percent straight.
So when you took Ecstasy, MWM, your inhibitions melted away—including
your homophobia, which at bottom (get it?) wasn’t anything
other than an inhibitor.
So what to do now? Well, you can’t unsuck a cock—how I wish
one could!—nor can you undo the four girls you did. All you
can do is accept the fact that you made a mess, just say no
the next time you’re pressured to use E, and reconcile yourself
to feeling awkward for a while around your ex-pals. Hopefully
with time the couples will get back together, your friendships
will return to normal, and you will give yourself permission
to suck dick again sometime—but drug-free cocksucking, MWM,
the kind of cocksucking recommended by the Partnership for
a Drug-Free America.