broke up with a long-term girlfriend about two years ago.
Last week, while totally drunk, I thought that it would be
a great idea to see whether I could still log into her e-mail
account, since we told each other our usernames and passwords
way back when. (Yes, I know that I’m going straight to hell
for this.) But that’s not the problem. Her e-mails revealed
that she’s been in an emotionally abusive relationship for
about a year. Her boyfriend, in his e-mails, tells her that
her family is crazy, that her friends are worthless and should
be cut out of her life, that she’ll never do better than him.
He insults and swears at her. Whenever she protests, he backs
off, tells her that he’ll commit suicide if she leaves him,
and begs her forgiveness. Then he goes back to his old ways
a few days later.
She and I stayed friends at first but aren’t in contact anymore,
ever since she told me a few months ago that she wanted it
that way. She claimed that she needed to get over me, but
now I know from her boyfriend’s e-mails that he made her tell
What the hell do I do? She’s a gentle person who’s being destroyed
by this asshole, but no one knows about it except him and
her—and now me. Do I speak up, thereby risking, given his
temperament, my own safety? Or do I mind my own business and
accept that the world is sometimes shitty?
letter brings up a lot of different issues for me,” said Trish
Thibodo, executive director of the Colorado Coalition Against
Domestic Violence. Thibodo rightly felt that you had no business
invading your ex-girlfriend’s privacy by reading her e-mails.
“And you didn’t just read a few of her e-mails,” she said.
“It’s clear you read a lot of them. In my world, breaking
into someone else’s e-mail account and reading her private
correspondence is stalking behavior. It borders on abusive
behavior. Your actions make me wonder if you’re the best person
to reach out to your ex. You have to ask yourself some questions.
Is this true concern that you’re feeling for her or do you
feel like you need to get close to her again? Are you the
best person to intervene?”
In other words, SE, you are going to hell and Trish
Thibodo is uncomfortable offering advice to hell-bound snoops.
But asked what her advice would be if you could honestly say
that (1) your concern for your ex was genuine, (2) you didn’t
want to get back together with her, and (3) you were at least
a good person to intervene, if not the best, Thibodo
came through with some suggestions:
he decides to go ahead and contact her, he needs to think
about her safety first. To e-mail her back would not be a
safe thing to do. Calling her on her cell phone may not be
safe.” If her current boyfriend finds out you’ve been in touch
with your ex—if he’s reading her e-mail too, if he’s checking
her cell phone bills—you may wind up exposing her to more
abuse. “If you can find a safe way to contact your ex, let
her know you’re concerned. Let her know that you’re there
to talk, that other people have gone through this, that she’s
not alone. Don’t push her into doing anything she is not ready
Thibodo gave one other good reason why you might want to contact
your ex: “Part of me that thinks she has a right to know he’s
been snooping in her e-mail so she can change her passwords.
This is something that all victims should do (change their
passwords regularly).” For more information about domestic
violence, go to www.ccadv.org.
Not all the kinky folks out there are men, Mr. Savage, and
not all the GGGs are women. My girlfriend is a straight-A
art student; I’m a dumb jock. And she’s the kinky one, not
me. My sicko sweetheart likes to be spanked. I was nervous
at first but I wasn’t going to let some other guy out-GGG
me and get my girl. So I spank the shit out of her on a regular
basis. And while she likes to be on the receiving end of general
sexual meanness, she likes to spank me sometimes or do super-mean
shit like jerk me off in the morning and make me eat my own
come to “earn” the right to fuck her that night. Basically
she was a freak when I met her and now I’m a freak too. Just
wanted to clue you in. Now I gotta go spank my girlfriend.
Enjoys Regular, She Loves Abuse,
Here’s my issue. My fetish/fantasy involves my girlfriend
coming home from a long day at work, kicking off her shoes,
putting her stockinged feet on my lap, and While
I usually don’t run letters from braggarts who go on and on
about their awesome sex lives (roughly 10 percent of the mail),
in your case I’m making an exception, HERSLAVE. Your letter
illustrates an important point: My column often gives the
impression that only straight boys are kinky and only straight
girls have to be GGG. But that’s not always the case, as HERSLAVE’s
letter demonstrates. Non-kinky girls who find themselves with
kinky boys are over-represented in the column, however, because
these girls tend to view their partner’s kinks as problems
and seek out advice. Non-kinky boys who find themselves with
kinky girls, on the other hand, tend to see themselves as
lucky bastards and get with the whole spanking-spunk-eating
program without a lot of prompting from yours truly.
As a microbiologist, I feel compelled to inform you that you
made a somewhat fallacious statement in a recent column. You
said that even stinky piss is sterile and can’t make you sick.
You are wrong on two counts. First, “stinky piss” can be a
symptom of a urinary tract infection, meaning that the piss
would have bacteria in it, rendering it unsterile. I concede
that a UTI is not the only cause of stinky piss, but it is
a major one. Second, urine is sterile—until it leaves your
body. As it leaves your urethra, it picks up some bacteria
that live on your skin, called normal flora. Now, these little
guys are fine hanging out on your skin, but if they were to
somehow get into your eyes, mouth, or abrasions on your knees
from carpet burn, they could cause a nasty infection. So,
my advice to those who love golden showers is to make the
showerer clean his/her hoo-hoo with an antiseptic wipe, akin
to the kind you use at the doctor’s office before you pee
in the cup.
apologies to all the folks out there who took up piss drinking
after reading my column. Never again will I pop off about
a medical issue without first checking in with Dr. Barak Gaster,
Savage Love’s resident MD and an assistant professor in the
Department of Medicine at the University of Washington in
Seattle. “Nothing that comes out of the body is truly sterile,”
Barak informed me via e-mail. “Most urine samples do have
very small amounts of bacteria in them. Relative to most other
bodily fluids, however, urine is remarkably free of organisms.
And compared to stool, which is mostly composed of bacterial
mass, urine is pretty close to ‘sterile.’”
But before you freak out at the next piss drinker you meet,
please consider closely what the doctor said: Relative
to most other bodily fluids, urine is remarkably free
of organisms. Saliva, for instance, is less sterile than
urine, Barak tells me, which makes swapping spit a far more
dangerous activity than piss drinking. But some things in
life are worth the risks, no?