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Gentle
Readers: If there’s ever been any doubt about how seriously
I take my responsibilities, this column should lay ’em to
rest. Not only am I sharing my advice-giving duties with a
co-advisor this week—note the dual byline, above—my co-advisor,
Jill Corral, is paying to play. Last year I agreed to auction
off a chance to give advice in my column. What can I say?
I’m a sucker for charity and the auction raised money to feed
the hungry during the holidays. Jill Corral, a lovely Cuban-American
lesbian from San Francisco, was the highest bidder. Eleven
months after the auction, Jill and I finally met up for lunch
on a sunny Saturday afternoon, knocked back a few drinks,
and dug through the ol’ e-mail inbox. Below you’ll find Jill’s
advice, my critique of her advice, and a letter grade for
each response.
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I went on a date last week with a smart, beautiful woman.
The conversation was engaging and there were sparks. Then,
she divulged that she voted for Bush. Now I don’t know if
I can go out with her again. To be Republican is one thing.
To vote for Bush, that’s just irresponsible, immoral, and
uninformed. Is it wrong to not date someone because they voted
for Bush?
—Bachelor
Uneasy Seeing a
Hot Bush Supporter
JILL:
This “smart, beautiful” woman is a time-release asshole—picture
your future life with your pork-barrel paramour: hot summer
nights of wine, engaging conversation . . . and Sean Hannity.
Apartment leave-behinds of pretty red panties . . . and Ann
Coulter’s I Know You Are but What Am I. And is that
a ‘War on Iran: Yes!’ sticker I see on your hybrid in the
near future? Run, BUSHBS, run!
DAN: Not bad, Jill. You lose a couple of points for not acknowledging
that some men and women are happily partnered with people
whose politics they find revolting. While I agree with the
gist of your advice, I would’ve qualified it by pointing out
that entering into an LTR with a Republican would not only
keep dinner conversations interesting, it would also keep
hatefucking on the menu, a sexual option that isn’t typically
part of an LTR. Finally, I will have to knock off a few more
points for the gratuitous use of alliteration (“pork-barrel
paramour”?), a literary device frequently abused by amateur
and/or inept advice columnists. (For truly horrifying examples
of alliteration abuse, see Time Out New York “sexpert”
Jamie “Butt Rasta” Bufalino’s totally terrible, repugnantly
repulsive, criminally crappy column “Get Naked.”). Grade:
B-
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I am a lesbian, completely sexually satisfied when I
have sex with women and never sexually satisfied when I have
sex with men. However, when I masturbate the only thing that
brings me to orgasm is thinking about men. Does this mean
I’m not really a lesbian? Is there a way to get more turned
on when thinking about women?
—Messed-Up
Masturbator
JILL:
First, let’s nail down a definition for lesbian (mine): Are
you a woman with the fever for the flavor of a girlie? You’re
set. Just because you pet a few puppies on the sidewalk does
not make you any less a cat person. Plus, I don’t think you
can mess up masturbating unless you fall out a window or ruin
your best bunny suit or something. There’s no shortage of
chain-walleted, barber-shorn, Pabst-swigging lesbos out there
who not only J.O. to boys but actually bed them. Boy-toys
may be the last exciting forbidden frontier for jaded lesbians.
Sex clubs? Yawn. Three-ways? So ’90s. You’re a man now? Great,
let’s go grab some nachos. But flipping a frat pledge? Deflowering
a peach-fuzzy sk8er? That’s Now, that’s Wow. And let’s not
forget the burgeoning lez trend of high-volume fag-porn rentals.
Who cares—you like what you like. Enjoy.
DAN: Again, the alliteration is problematic (“fever for the
flavor”). But you redeemed yourself, Jill, with that “ruin
your best bunny suit” line; your subtle reference to furries
is not only hilarious, grasshopper, it’s also delightfully
sly. Readers who get the reference will feel like they’re
in the know and readers who don’t will nevertheless enjoy
the mental image of lesbians masturbating in bunny suits.
Plus the gist of your advice—you like what you like, don’t
stress over it—is precisely the advice I would’ve given. A-
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I’m
a lesbian in a committed relationship, but looking for a bit
of specific action. I’d like to hire another woman to dominate
me. The idea of hiring such a woman, just for me, actually
turns both of us on. So time to hire a pro, right? But I looked
on the ’Net and am not finding much for a woman in Seattle
looking to pay another woman to dominate her. I guess I could
join some local SM clubs, but I’m severely busy with my career
right now and don’t have a lot of time to wander around in
leather pants hoping to attract someone. Any recommendations?
—Can’t
Buy Me Love
JILL:
I went to an expert for this one—Greta Christina, editor of
Paying for It: A Guide by Sex Workers for Their Clients
(Greenery Press, 2004) and longtime sapphist. Greta says,
“I have yet to run into a female sex worker in any part of
the country who would be appalled or grossed-out by the prospect
of a female customer. Most of them enjoy it, for the change
of pace if nothing else. You will have a wider selection in
big Babylon-like cities like San Francisco or New York; but
anywhere there are escorts, there’ll be escorts who’ll work
with women.” Thanks, Christina. Some other rules to trick
by: good manners, good hygiene, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. No pushiness
and no haggling. Make sure to emphasize that you’re in it
solo, as most girl-inclusive requests involve couples.
DAN: Wow! It’s only your third question, Jill, and you’re
already punting! Not that there’s anything wrong with that;
dragging in a guest expert is a time-honored advice columnist
trick, pioneered by the late, great Ann Landers (at whose
desk I’m typing these words), and it’s one I use regularly.
Using a guest expert demonstrates two traits all good advice
columnists share: (1) a becoming humility (by using a guest
expert you’re showing your readers that you don’t consider
yourself the final authority on absolutely everything), and
(2) an ability to cash a paycheck even when you didn’t do
any of the heavy lifting in this week’s column. Then like
an old pro, Jill, you wind up your response with useful tips
of your own, proving to your readers that you’re not phoning
this one in entirely. Nice job! A+
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Well,
that went well! I have to admit that I feared it wouldn’t—I
was worried that auctioning off the chance to co-author a
column with me would result in some bat-shit-crazy crank seizing
control of the column for a week. But Jill gave such solid
advice that some editor out there really ought to give her
column of her very own. (Are you listening, TONY?) In fact,
this went so well that I’ve agreed to auction off the right
to co-author a Savage Love column in 2005. (Apparently the
dough raked in by auctioning off my column last year
wasn’t enough to end world hunger.)
If you would like to bid on a chance to co-author a Savage
Love, send me an email and I’ll send you the link to the anti-hunger
charity’s auction website. (The auction ends Dec. 17, so don’t
delay!) Thanks, Jill! And good luck, bidders!
mail@savagelove.net
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