Metroland Online - Wedding Guide

Bride Wars, the film about two best friends who transform into spiteful, feral beasts when they find their wedding plans conflict, secured second place at the box office for its opening weekend. “Bridezilla” has become both a familiar wedding buzzword and a popular TV show. Demand for wedding-inspired cosmetic surgery—from breast implants to underarm Botox—is growing by 20 percent each year. The average wedding budget in the United States is climbing to nearly $30,000, and newsstands are overflowing with detailed accounts of celebrity weddings whose price tags are rivaled only by the cost of celebrity divorces. There can be no doubt that our culture has turned weddings into a competitive sport, scored in degrees of lavishness.

Marriage is a profound commitment, and an occasion absolutely worth celebrating in style, but redefining your idea of the “perfect day” will make your wedding preparations less stressful, your big day more joyful, and the promise you’re making as a couple all the more sincere.

My husband and I were married this past October, and in the months before the wedding I heard “Are you nervous?” at least twice as often as “Are you excited?” I wasn’t nervous, and I began to think that meant something was wrong with me. But then I started asking why I should be nervous. “It’s a big commitment,” some said. And it is. But I had no doubt it was the right commitment. I had found a partner who loved the same things about me that I love about myself, who understood and tolerated my weaknesses, who stuck with me through the the rockiest times in my life, who shared in my joys, passions and pain, and who made me a stronger, better and happier person. The idea of committing to a life shared with him was no cause for nervousness.

But there was another common explanation for why I should be on edge about our preparations: “Everyone wants their wedding day to be perfect.”

Perfect is a word that I spent a good portion of my young life wrestling into submission. I have finally come to terms with the fact that perfection is an entirely unreasonable expectation to have, for yourself, for your partner, and certainly for a day that involves so many people, so much planning and emotion. In fact, I have learned that it is often the imperfections that make the people, possessions and memories that matter most in life the treasures they are: your childhood teddy bear with his missing eye and threadbare patch, the picnic that ended with everyone huddled under a makeshift tent in the pouring rain, his callused hands, her crooked smile.

We cherish the imperfections that compose our lives, so why should we demand perfection of one of life’s most precious days? And so I crafted my response to the nervousness question, and I lived by it through all the planning and preparation: “I’m entirely sure something will go wrong. I’m just looking forward to finding out what it will be.”

As a newlywed, the best advice I can give to the engaged hordes is to carefully examine your idea of the perfect wedding. Make sure that your version of perfection—both in your wedding day and in your marriage—leaves space for flaws and mistakes, and for handling the unexpected with a smile.

Planning a wedding can be an extremely stressful time, especially if making decisions sends you into a tailspin, because you have to make them at every turn. But it’s also great preparation and training for marriage. All those decisions help teach you about compromise, about priorities, and about yourselves. By focusing on making your wedding personal, not perfect, the two of you will learn more about each other, about your love, and about what marriage means to each of you.

Figure out early on in the planning, before a date or a dress or a menu, what symbols, ideas and traditions best define you and your union. We entwined birds and nests throughout our day, symbols of independence, adventure and partnership, of soaring and song and comfort and home. We incorporated fine art and goofy Polaroid pictures, ancient traditions and contemporary words. Much of our wedding was do-it-yourself: the flowers, the favors, the centerpieces. We threw a “Makin’ Things” party, where friends and family from both sides of the aisle had a chance to meet over box wine, nacho dip and hot glue. Our wedding was infused with the laughter, love and camaraderie of creating the day together.

The details of your wedding will be your own, but make them distinct to your life and your love. Fill the day with joy and meaning. Embrace the unexpected.

As I arrived at the ceremony site, flanked by my father, my nieces and my closest friends, I finally had that swell of nervousness I’d heard so much about. Heart racing, almost woozy, I reached to open the door onto my wedding day. It was locked.

I was locked out of my own wedding.

And we laughed. We laughed and we laughed, and we laughed, and the nervousness melted away. We laughed as we stood there, knocking to no avail. We laughed as we clambered over the lawnmowers and shipping crates by the loading dock door, arms full of satin and roses. We laughed when the door finally opened, and as we stepped into our perfect, perfect day.

kguerin@metroland.net

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