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I
am a 24-year-old female and my husband is a 37-year-old male.
I have a very serious problem when it comes to our sex life:
My husband doesn’t give me any foreplay or oral sex. I ask
for it very nicely—how much I would like for him to do it—but
it just don’t get done: His knees always hurt, or he has a
backache. Backache or not, he likes for me to do him. Lately
I’ve been thinking of seeking comfort from someone a little
younger.
Could you give me some of that clever rude advice on how to
ask him in a shitty-ass way to give me some head?
—Backed
Up
P.S.
I haven’t had an orgasm in three years.
Here’s a snappy, smart-ass line that might do the trick: “Eat
my pussy or I’ll break your fucking legs.” If that doesn’t
work, try this one: “Honey, you’re going to eat my pussy or
I’m going to divorce your sorry ass.” Or the next time he
wants some head, say: “Does my baby-lamb want a blow-job?
Well fuck off, you selfish, unresponsive bastard. Do you know
it’s been three years since I had an orgasm? Suck your own
god-damned dick!”
As for steppin’ out for the oral sex you deserve: Go for it.
Your husband sounds like the type who’d rather be cheated
on than pestered for sex. Find yourself a hot number around
your own age with a tongue that won’t quit. Then take out
a large life-insurance policy on the box of rocks you married,
encourage him to take up drinking and driving, and keep your
fingers crossed.
I’ve been with the same man for a wee bit over a year now,
and generally I’m pretty happy with him. He says he’s crazy
about me, and I believe him. But there’s one problem: He won’t
eat me out! He says he doesn’t like the way it tastes. On
one occasion he said, “I won’t eat something that tastes like
chicken and smells like fish.” Do you have any ideas or incentives
for him to submit to pleasuring my nether folds with his beautiful
tongue?
—Unlicked,
Unsatisfied, Unhappy
Find
yourself a new lover. Personally, I don’t think women should
waste their time dating men who think pussy is disgusting;
on some level, they think women are disgusting. Why would
you date someone who finds you, and your genitals, revolting?
I wouldn’t waste half an hour, let alone a year, on a guy
who wouldn’t put my dick in his mouth. Why straight girls
condescend to date boys who won’t eat pussy is beyond me.
Dump him.
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I am a nice, healthy, handsome male in my late 20s, and
I’ve been single since coming out at age 16. The longest relationship
I had totaled somewhere around three weeks. I meet a guy,
we get along, sex sometimes follows, and then he reveals a
boyfriend, lover, wife, or a disinterest in going any further.
A bit of background: I am and have always been extremely attracted
to bodybuilders (who isn’t?), mostly because I am thin and
boyish and love the domineering appearance and physical beauty
of muscular men. I have a difficult time hooking up with potential
partners, dates, etc., because this type of man is generally
attracted to his own type. Even at the gym, I am unsuccessful
at catching Hercules’ eye.
I’ve tried the personals and met some guys, but no one I was
physically attracted to; and the few times I was, they never
called again. I get frustrated and wonder what I’m doing wrong.
Do I need psychological guidance or do I need to lower my
standards and settle for someone I’m not really attracted
to for the sake of having a relationship?
—Lost
in Paradise
You
hit the nail on the head: Do you need to lower you standards?
Yes you do, sugarcube. But don’t think of dating non-bodybuilders
as a lowering of your standards—think of it as learning to
appreciate the beauty of men who don’t spend their every waking
moment in a gym. Think of it as “broadening your sexual horizons,”
“acquiring a taste for regular guys” or “growing up.”
Face facts: Anyone with highly specialized tastes who is unwilling
or unable to broaden his or her horizons is going to have
a hard-ass time finding a lover. Deal with it. So get horny
for different types of men, LIP, or reconcile yourself to
a long, and potentially unsuccessful, search for your dream
meathead.
P.S. Who isn’t attracted to bodybuilders? Me. I’ll take a
cute, skinny boy with the time to read books over an incredible
hulk with nothing between his ears but steroid backwash any
day.
Fisting is a topic which continues to drift into sexual
conversations with my lover. Neither of us have any experience
with fisting, but we both have a healthy interest. Any chance
you could help us out with a few hints for first-time fisters?
We await your advice.
—Lulu
You
don’t say whether you’re boys or girls or one of each. But
fisting, anal or vaginal, is advanced sexplay: Proceed with
caution. Here are my tips:
1. Trim those fingernails.
2. Opera-length latex gloves.
3. Anal fisting? Enemas, enemas, enemas.
4. Anal or vaginal fisting? Lube, lube, lube.
5. Start with one finger. Then two, three, four. When your
partner is good and relaxed, make your hand as narrow as possible—press
your thumb into your palm—and slip your whole hand in. Only
when you’re “all the way in” do you make a fist.
6. Some anal fisters find poppers help them relax n’ release
their butt. Poppers, of course, are illegal in the United
States and I would never, never, never advise someone to fist
under the influence of an illegal drug. But I’ve heard poppers
are very helpful.
7. Go slowly.
8. Remove your watch or have it removed for you.
mail@savagelove.net
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