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I’m
a 21-year-old hetero, two weeks from finishing my tour in
Afghanistan, and I have a question about strip clubs. I live
in St. Louis and enjoy the pleasures of East St. Louis as
often as I can. One of the first things I’m going to do when
I get home is get drunk and blow a bunch of money at one of
the fine strip clubs there. I have no problem with a hot stripper
sucking money from my wallet, but what do I do about strippers
who aren’t my type? If a less-than-attractive-to-me stripper
gets on my lap, what is the best way to get rid of her without
her telling all the other girls I’m an asshole?
—Soldier
Coming Home
I
spoke with a very helpful stripper whose professional name,
I’m sorry to report, is “Bambi.” A stripper and a writer (who
isn’t?), Bambi divides her time between New York and New Orleans.
“Every stripper knows she can’t be every guy’s personal fantasy,”
Bambi says, “so professional strippers can handle rejection.
We only hate customers who are rude or waste our time when
they reject us.” Bambi had four nice ways to let a stripper
know she’s not your fantasy:
(1) “I’m sorry, but I’m waiting for another girl.” (“This
does not have to be true,” says Bambi, “but it is a nice way
to say no and gives you the air of being someone else’s customer.”)
(2) “I’m sorry, but I prefer blondes/brunettes/redheads.”
(“Again, it doesn’t have to be true, but it’s a nice white
lie.”) (3) “I just got back from a dance. I’ll find you when
I am ready for another.” (4) “I’d be happy to buy you a drink,
but I’m not interested in dances right now.” (“Most strippers
will politely decline the drink.”)
Bambi also wanted to share five examples of how not
to get rid of a stripper:
(1) Don’t insult a girl, i.e., “When do the pretty strippers
get here?” (“Girls will avoid you if you are mean.”) (2) Don’t
tell a girl to come back in five minutes when you don’t mean
it. (3) Don’t tell a girl that you would rather take her out
to dinner than buy a dance. (“Dinner is not going to pay our
rent/mortgage or feed our kids. Remember, we’re at work.”)
(4) Don’t shake your head no before she even gets “Do you
wanna . . . ” out of her mouth. (“Let her finish her sentence.
It’s two milliseconds out of your life and it makes the rejection
seem less harsh.”) (5) And finally, whatever you do, don’t
say, “I’m gay.” (“This response is so stupid, I won’t bother
to explain why. If you can’t figure it out, please do everyone
a favor and stay out of strip clubs.”)
Finally, Bambi wanted to close by letting you know that most
strippers enjoy dancing for military guys. “They’re usually
a lot more disciplined than civilians,” says Bambi, “and are
better at keeping their hands to themselves when ordered to
do so. Have fun!”
I did a stupid thing. I’m a 27-year-old woman in a committed
relationship, yet I found myself alone for a long period of
time. So I went online, gave a strange man my address, and
had him come over and fuck me. I’m not worried about health
issues, as everything was safe. What bothers me is how I left
my physical safety so open. Who’s to say he won’t ever come
back? Can a woman have a man over for anonymous sex without
fear of waking up to frat boys at her door?
—Lusty
Eager Woman Dismayed
That
depends, LEWD. If the man you had over for anonymous sex was
one of the good guys—the kind of guy who wouldn’t lie to someone
he’s never going to see again about his STD status; the kind
of guy who wouldn’t remove or “lose” a condom during sex;
the kind of non-misogynistic guy who will remember a woman
fondly for indulging him in NSA (no strings attached) sex,
and not resent her for it; the kind of guy who will refrain
from sharing your address with frat boys or, worse yet, showing
up again himself, perhaps drunk, sometime when he hasn’t been
invited—then, sure, a woman can have a man over for anonymous
sex without fear. Provided, again, that he’s one of the good
guys.
Unfortunately for you, LEWD, only time will tell if the guy
you fucked was one of the good guys. Anonymous sex can be
hot, and the Internet has made it easier than ever for people
to hook up for NSA encounters, but there’s always a catch.
And for anonymous sex the catch is this: You often can’t tell
if the guy you’re fucking is a nutcase until after he’s fucked
you. So all anonymous sexual encounters involve some risk,
LEWD, and consequently fear will always be a part of the package.
I do, however, know two women who have managed to explore
anonymous sex while greatly reducing their odds of fucking
nutcases: A pair of twentysomething girls cornered me at a
party—let’s call them Barbara and Jenna—and told me they were
jealous that I, as a gay man, could safely have anonymous
sex. I explained to them that I, as a gay man, felt that anonymous
sex was vastly overrated. Then I explained how they, as straight
girls, could explore anonymous sex relatively safely. Take
out a personal ad, I told ’em, and meet any potential anonymous
sex partners in public. Interview them at length, carefully
screen out the nuts, and then make a date. But how could the
sex be anonymous after all that? Because Barbara vetted Jenna’s
anonymous sex partners and vice versa, LEWD. Neither girl
met the guy she fucked anonymously until the proverbial—and
hotly anticipated—knock at the door.
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Would
you stop calling MTF transsexuals men? We are women. You’d
think people who are oppressed wouldn’t oppress others. I
respect your right to print whatever you want, but why not
be a human being?
—EM
P.S.
I hope the image of getting your precious dick sliced open
stays in your mind for a long time.
In the column you object to, EM, I wrote, “I regret writing
back in April that men who get sex-change operations have
‘their dicks cut off.’ This is not the case . . . ”[ I’m going
to spare myself, my precious dick, and my equally precious
male readers the gruesome details of MTF gender-reassignment
surgery, EM, if that’s okay with you.]
So that was “men who get their dicks cut off” not “men
who have gotten.” So that “men,” EM, was clearly a
reference to pre-transition MTFs, i.e., while they’re still
“Ms,” or males, AKA men.
The next time I made a gender reference I wrote, “ . . . the
new woman is even orgasmic!—and she is not, as I implied,
a genital-less freak.” So my gender references transitioned
from male to female! Just like MTFs transition in real life!
Isn’t that nifty? And if you think I shouldn’t refer to a
man who is about to undergo sex-reassignment surgery as a
man (she was always a woman inside, right?), then where do
you get off using the acronym MTF? Doesn’t that stand for
male-to-female? Aren’t you are calling MTFs men too? Sheesh!
mail@savagelove.net
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