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I’ve
just started dating a guy who is into being dominated. He
also has quite the foot fetish. Problem is, I have zero experience
with any sort of kinky sex. He’s 35 and has been around the
block, while I’m 24 and all I’ve ever had is sex with guys
who claimed to have no fantasies. I really want to please
him but I don’t know what to do. He says that he’s not really
into pain and that it’s more centered around being mentally
and emotionally toyed with. I’ve asked him for specifics,
but he says he doesn’t want to freak me out. I’d wing it but
I’m clueless!
—Tramp
In Training
“This
couple sounds like they’re off to a great start,” says Lady
Green, author of The Sexually Dominant Woman (Greenery
Press). “He’s willing to talk about what he wants, at least
in general, and she’s open to trying it. That immediately
puts them in the top 10 percent of the folks I talk to who
are into female domination. Now, it’s just a matter of getting
the details ironed out.”
Your urge to wing it is admirable, TIT, but Lady Green and
I both agree that you shouldn’t attempt anything too ambitious
until your boyfriend comes through with some details. “The
most she should try without getting some more specific ideas
from him,” says Lady Green, “is building a little control
and/or fetish play into your lovemaking. Put one of your feet
in his face for him to smell and nuzzle during intercourse,
for example, or place a hand over his mouth to block speech
during whatever else you might be doing.”
So how do you get the details out of him? Lady Green suggests
the “yes/no/maybe” game. “Sit down together with a big sheet
of paper and write down every sexual activity you’ve ever
thought about, heard about, read about or imagined. Then both
of you put a Y (‘Yes, I’d like to try that sometime’), an
N (‘No, I don’t ever want to try that’), or an M (‘Maybe I
would try that’). Discard any item where either of you has
put a N, do some talking about the Ys and Ms to find out what
might make them doable, and you’ve got a basic menu of possible
sex and play activities.” You still need to proceed with caution,
TIT, even after you’re armed with your list. “Some of the
activities may have a learning curve,” points out Lady Green.
“Bondage,
strap-ons, cock-and-ball torture, flagellation, and other
favorites all have some risks attached, and it behooves you
to learn how to minimize those risks, either from a class
or workshop (most urban areas have them) or from a book. There
are at least half-a-dozen good introductory BDSM texts out
there.” (Lady Green is too modest to say it, so I will: The
Sexually Dominant Woman is an excellent primer for women
who find themselves with guys who are turned on by domination.
You can order her book through Greenery Press’ Web site, www.greenerypress.com.)
“The
most important tip I can give you is to remember that you
don’t have to ‘act like a dominant woman.’ If you try to put
on an act, behaving like someone else’s idea of the Bitch
Dominant from Hell, you’ll have a hard time relaxing and enjoying
yourself. Just open yourself up to the pleasure of being in
charge in whatever way feels right to you.”
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I’ve been sleeping with this man for two months. The
sex is phenomenal, he loves to eat pussy, he tosses my salad,
there’s some digital anal play . . . that’s all good. My problem
is he’s into rough ball play. It turns him on when I knee
him in the balls, or punch them, or squeeze them. I’m okay
with doing all this, but he wants me to “pop his balls.” He’s
a young-ish doctor, so he knows that this is dangerous. I
don’t want to make him a eunuch but he’s hell bent on me “destroying
his manhood.” Should I do it for him? He says he doesn’t want
to have kids, and that he doesn’t care if he loses his ability
to have an erection or ejaculate. Should do this for him?
I’m 23, if that helps.
—Reluctant
Ball-Popper
Before
you destroy your boyfriend’s manhood, RBP, there’s one question
you need to ask yourself: How will you feel if five years
or, hell, five minutes after you do this for him, your boyfriend
decides it was a big mistake? And I promise you, RBP, if you
go through with this, your boyfriend will come to regret it—and
when that day comes he will resent and/or blame you. So just
say no to ball popping, RBP, okay?
And while I don’t think it’s possible to have a healthy, long-term
relationship with someone so insanely self destructive, RBP,
I can understand why you might want to keep seeing this nutjob
in the short term (phenomenal sex, enthusiastic cunnilingus,
tossed salads, etc.). There are ways to indulge his castration
fetish without destroying his balls. Buy him a male chastity
device (just Google “CB-3000”) and throw away the key. If
that’s not extreme enough for him, chemically castrate him
by injecting him with Depo-Provera, a drug that sexual predators
are sometimes ordered to take and one he could, I presume,
prescribe to himself. Maybe after experiencing a short-term,
reversible castration, your boyfriend will conclude that castration
is a better fantasy than it is a reality.
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Have you ever heard of “decanting”? I work at a hospital
in New Orleans. A man came in with multiple urinary infections,
and stated that at certain parties he was a “decanter.” He
put a catheter in his bladder, drained his urine, replaced
it with wine, and then “served” it to guests. I’m calling
for a consult.
—MD
In NO
In
a world where some men want their balls popped, MDINO, anything’s
possible.
Have you ever put your fingers in someone’s mouth while
they’re asleep? I have. I like to play with the faces of my
lovers as they sleep. And invariably, Dan, they have a strong
involuntary bite reaction. It’s painful as hell and I don’t
know why I keep testing this. But needless to say, this information
should be passed on to This Boy Wonders, the young man who
was fantasizing about initiating oral sex with his sleeping
wife.
—Lucky
to Have All Ten
I
advised TBW to “obtain [his wife’s] consent to either initiate
oral sex sometime when she’s asleep or sometime when she’s
pretending to be asleep.” In light of your research, LTHAT,
I’m going to, er, withdraw the “sometimes while she’s asleep”
part of that response.
Why don’t you talk about your family in your column?
I want to know if you’re still with Terry, how your son is
doing, how old he is now, etc.
—Girly
Fan
Female
domination, ball popping, decanting, dicks bitten off in the
middle of night: I don’t write about my family in Savage Love,
GF, because there’s no way to make a graceful segue from the
usual horror stories to heartwarming anecdotes about my 6-year-old
kid. But you can rest assured that Terry and I are still together,
and that DJ remains, as of this writing, blissfully unaware
of foot fetishists, ball poppers, decanters, and dick biters.
mail@savagelove.net
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