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Here’s
my problem: I got fired from my job at the beginning of the
summer and, long story short, ended up escorting to pay the
bills. Being a callboy in New York turned out to be not nearly
as bad as I expected. In fact, it was fun. I was safe (condoms,
worked through a Web listing, always let someone know where
I was), the work was easy, I met fascinating people, and made
a lot of money. I had a great summer.
Now I’m back at college in Rhode Island. I maintained contacts
with a few of my clients and I visit New York a few times
a month to keep up an income. At school I met this cute boy.
I’ve been seeing him for about a month now and I’m thinking
I want to date him more seriously. Trouble is, Dan, he doesn’t
know what I do for a living. He’s a freshman, he’s sane, he’s
the sweetest kid, and I’m afraid telling him will ruin everything.
So, what is your advice to working boys who would also like
to have a love life? I could hide it, but is that the smartest
option? And if I do tell the kid, what should I say?
—Prostitutes
Need Love Too
Telling him might ruin everything, PNLT, but not telling him
will definitely ruin everything.
That his boyfriend is putting himself through school by having
sex for money is just the sort of thing that any sweet, sane
boy (SSB) would feel he has a right to know before things
get serious. Hell, he has a right to know before things get
sexual. Even if he doesn’t have a problem with sex work morally—even
if he thinks what you’re doing is alluringly sex-radical—he’ll
resent the fact that you kept it from him on principle, i.e.,
the cover-up may be worse than the crime.
Don’t get me wrong, PNLT: I don’t think there’s anything immoral
about prostitution. I have friends who are prostitutes and
I think it should be legalized. But there are certain risks
that sex workers assume—increased risk of sexually transmitted
infections (STIs), primarily. As the lover or potential lover
of someone who does sex work, SSB also faces a higher risk
of STIs. If you’re not honest with SSB about what you’re doing,
you’re imposing that risk on him without his consent. That
makes you a very naughty hooker, PNLT, as SSB has a right
to make up his own mind about this risk. So you need to tell
him. How should you tell him? “I have sex with a handful of
men—regulars all—to pay the bills” should cover it.
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Thought
last week’s column regarding sex with disabilities was awesome.
But something KSO only touched on needs to be expanded on:
They mentioned that some straight women are looking for guys
in wheelchairs. The disabled community calls these people
“devos,” short for devotees. If someone in a wheelchair (or
with another disability) meets one of these people, they could
think they are in heaven—they’ll have someone who is overly
happy to help them with all their needs. But it isn’t heaven.
Any relationship built on a fetish with the pretense of full
emotional commitment will eventually be crippling for all
parties involved (pun absolutely intended). A friend of mine
got involved with a devo, and she went so far as to hide his
car keys so he would have to ask her for rides, and put things
on higher shelves that he couldn’t reach without her help.
Just wanted to send a warning to all the gimps out there.
Being in a wheelchair, I know what it feels like when someone
seems to be attracted to you, like the chair is not an issue.
That’s heaven. But watch out for some of the people out there.
—Better
Watch Out
I wanted to address this issue in last week’s column, but
ran out of space—so thanks, BWO, for writing in.
Some people are into extreme degrees of physical helplessness—morbid
obesity, physical disabilities, 24/7 bondage scenes—and people
should be cautious when they get involved with one of these
people. If you find yourself dating someone who’s into your
permanent or temporary helplessness, there are two questions
you need to ask yourself: Are they honest about it? And can
they successfully compartmentalize their fetish?
Take your friend’s example, BWO: Most people in wheelchairs
don’t want to feel helpless—and why should they? Most people
in wheelchairs aren’t helpless. But this woman—a woman who
hid his car keys and moved stuff up to higher shelves—was
obviously into what she perceived as his helplessness. But
she wasn’t honest about it, and she wasn’t able to limit her
enjoyment of your friend’s helplessness to times when they
were having sex.
I wonder, though, what would have happened if your friend’s
ex had been able to say, “I’m a devo, and I’m into helpless
guys—and, yes, I know you’re not really helpless. But a man
in a wheelchair turns me on because he seems helpless.” She
could only be honest, though, if she had some assurance that
your friend wouldn’t instantly dump her for being truthful
about why she was a devo. If she could have been upfront about
what attracts her to a guy in a wheelchair in the first place,
perhaps then she would have been able to indulge her thing
for helplessness in more appropriate ways, e.g. during mutually
agreed upon role-playing sessions with a defined beginning,
middle, and end. And, yes, I realize it can be discomforting
to be fetishized for something that may be the source of trauma,
but it can also be liberating to be found attractive for everything
you have to offer—including your disability.
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STRAIGHT
RIGHTS UPDATE: After secret meetings with the right-wing American
Family Association (AFA), Ford Motor Company agreed to pull
its advertising from gay publications and cease sponsoring
gay events in order to avoid a threatened boycott. What does
this have to do with straight rights? The same AFA fucks intimidating
Ford on the gay issue are the same fucks intimidating retailers
like Target into denying women access to morning-after pills.
They’re the same assholes trying to stop the Feds from approving
a vaccine for two strains of HPV. (The HPV vaccine—already
tested and 100 percent effective—could save thousands of women’s
lives every year.) When the AFA successfully attacks gay rights
it only emboldens their attacks on straight rights. So gay
or straight, the AFA is your enemy.
What can you do? Call Ford dealers in your area and let them
know that you won’t be buying a Ford after this. (A list of
Ford dealers broken down by state can be found on Americablog:
http://americablog.blogspot.com/2005/12/contact-your-local-ford-dealership.html.)
And while you’ve got ’em on the phone, ask them what Ford
was so afraid of. The AFA’s boycott of Disney was called off
after nine years because it wasn’t working. When the AFA threatened
Kraft, the execs at Kraft told the haters from the AFA to
go fuck themselves. But what did Ford do when the AFA threatened
them? The “Built Ford Tough” boys collapsed into a puddle.
“Ford Puff” needs to hear from people who won’t buy cars from
companies that cave in to right-wing hate mongers. And when
your local Ford dealer tells you that he didn’t make this
decision, tell him they had better yell at Ford HQ and get
this decision reversed. Microsoft caved to right-wing Christian
bullies, and then reversed itself. Ford can too.
mail@savagelove.net
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