am a 25-year-old bi female with a bi male partner the same
age. My boyfriend likes stuff up his butt—really likes it.
Not being someone who enjoys anal myself, I am continually
shocked by his ability and willingness to . . . uh . . . take
on new challenges in this department. After a few months of
playing with plugs and vibrators, I asked him if he would
be up for pegging. He responded enthusiastically, so I ran
out and bought a strap-on harness and a silicone cock.
Our first attempt gave me a real appreciation for what guys
do when they top during intercourse—all that thrusting isn’t
as easy as it looks! My boyfriend appreciated my efforts,
but he wants me to thrust faster, deeper, and harder. Basically,
he wants to be fucked like he’s my prison bitch. Is this kind
of “rough” anal sex safe? Everything I’ve read about anal
sex says to take it slow and easy. I want to give him what
he wants, but I don’t want to hurt him.
Top In Tacoma
to me like TTIT hasn’t seen much gay fisting porn,” says Violet
Blue—blogger, columnist, and author of The Adventurous Couple’s
Guide to Strap-On Sex, just published by Cleis Press. “Once
she sees what looks like the equivalent of guys parking backhoes
in each other’s butts, she’ll realize just how resilient this
little cavity can be.”
But first, a few words about pegging—aka strap-on sex—for
recent high-school graduates and other new readers of this
column. Once upon a time, women were doing guys in their asses
with strap-on dildos and it was good. But when a guy wanted
to ask for it, or a girl wanted to propose it, they had to
say, “Hey, would you be willing to do me/would you let me
do you in the ass with a strap-on dildo?” Annoyed by this
mouthful, a Savage Love reader suggested that I harness the
collective wisdom of my freaky readers and come up with a
name for girls fucking guys’ butts, and “pegging” won. It’s
crisp, clean, and easily conjugated: He asked her to peg him;
she loves pegging him; they pegged all night long.
However, while my readers christened the term pegging, they
didn’t invent the act. “Pegging started showing up in porn
circa 1970 and became an increasingly popular sex act for
straight kids once strap-on harnesses became commercially
available in the 1990s,” says Violet. “As I explain in my
book, strap-on sex was so misunderstood by mainstream porn
producers that indie-porn companies made films like Bend
Over Boyfriend,” which walked couples through the mechanics
of pegging, while at the same time demonstrating just how
hot it could be.
But porn videos, commercially available harnesses, and catchy
names can’t account for the boom in girl-on-boy anal sex,
can they? What’s driving the pegging craze? “Perhaps straight
guys are more interested in having women play with their asses
because of increased awareness about prostate health,” says
Violet. (A little butt play can improve prostate health.)
“Or maybe, guys are just becoming more comfortable and confident
about their heterosexuality.”
So more and more guys like it—but what about guys who like
it rough? “TTIT should take it slow and easy at first,” says
Violet, “until her guy indicates that he’s ready for more,
and then she should certainly give it to him. She should use
lots of lube—lack of lube will damage the sensitive
tissues. She may want to invest in a lube syringe, which is
what those ass athletes in porn use prior to every scene.
But she’s the guardian of his anal safety at all times and
should pay close attention and proceed carefully.”
I’ve been dating a wonderful guy for about a year now.
Two months into our relationship, he expressed his desire
to be penetrated by a woman. We bought a strap-on, and he
sucked my new dick and I pegged him. Honestly, it turned me
on as much as it did him. Then he started talking about wanting
to suck a real dick. I was OK with having a threesome with
a trusted, STD-free, bi guy friend who could pay us equal
attention. It went well and we all had fun.
But now he wants to have a real cock up his ass, and I am
less OK with it. Every time we have sex, he requests ass play.
We never have vaginal intercourse anymore unless I ask. How
soon will it be before I am left out entirely? Have I just
been the testing ground for a shy gay boy who is now coming
to fully realize that he would rather be with men than women?
Out Of The Hole
my book, I go on for miles about how pegging doesn’t in any
way make, or create, homosexuality,” says Violet. “But POOTH’s
concerns about being left out are real, regardless of what
her boyfriend is trying to figure out.”
Like Violet, I have gone to great lengths to reassure heterosexual
couples that a little anal stimulation—up to and including
penetration—can’t turn a straight or bi guy into a gay guy.
But sometimes a bi guy who hasn’t experienced much same-sex
action will take his first indulgent girlfriend for granted.
He’s so excited about exploring cock—real or simulated—that
he begins to neglect her needs. A guy like that just needs
a slap upside the head. (“Hello? Remember pussy? My pussy?
Well, you better start or you’re going to lose the best girlfriend
a bi guy ever had, you dumb bitch.”) But at the risk of annoying
the bi-furious community, it has to be said that some gay
guys do identify as bi at first and will use an indulgent
girlfriend as, in POOTH’s words, a “testing ground.”
So how do you figure out if your boyfriend is a thoughtless
bisexual or a temporary bisexual?
needs to ask her boy why her pussy is so conspicuously out
of the picture,” says Violet. “It’s possible that he’s going
through an experimental phase. But totally ignoring her fantasies
and needs and treating her like a prop—or the peg upon which
he hangs his ass at night—is totally unacceptable.”
Are there any forums out there dedicated to the discussion
of pegging for mostly vanilla women? Everything I’ve come
across so far seems to be playing into the stereotypes that
plague male-on-female anal sex. (“You’re going to take my
cock up that little ass,” etc.) I don’t peg my man to work
out my aggression, I peg him because the prostate is a wondrous
thing. I can’t swim with the hardcore kinksters. Is there
a pond for vanilla fishes like me?
Is For Everyone
in most porn is festooned with stereotypes of shame and pain,
like most sex in mainstream porn,” says Violet. “And unfortunately,
these stereotypes have seeped into online sex culture.
you don’t have to be Mistress Asscrusher and he doesn’t have
to answer to Worthless Buttslut in order to enjoy strap-on
sex. Like I explain in my book, most couples who peg do it
because it’s fun, intimate, new, exciting, and quite loving.
PIFE need not feel isolated. She should start a forum of her
own, on a space like Tribe.net, and she’ll be pleasantly surprised
at how welcome and happy she’ll make the many women like herself
Violet Blue blogs at www.tinynibbles.com
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.