have a swim-cap fetish. I don’t know why; it’s not like I
saw my grandmother bathing with a shower cap on or anything
like that. My GGG girlfriend is willing to wear a swim cap
during sex, and I think that’s wonderful, but it goes beyond
that. I go to the pool several times a week on the way home
from work. Not because I like swimming or need the exercise,
but because I want to see women in swim caps. My girlfriend
doesn’t know about this; she thinks I am just working late.
I feel bad about lying, but I can’t bring myself to tell her.
Is this cheating?
Swim Caps Are Really Erotic
not cheating, SCARE, but you’re acting like you are—and that
has to be the dumbest fucking thing you could possibly do.
If you lie and sneak around and hide the fact that you’ve
been swimming—swimming—then your girlfriend is going
to react like you’ve been cheating on her when she discovers
that you’ve been swimming—swimming—behind her back.
Any girlfriend GGG enough to wear a swim cap during sex is
going to be GGG enough to let her boyfriend check out other
girls in swim caps at the pool. She may laugh and roll her
eyes—with affection, hopefully—when you ask for her permission,
but a little good-natured ribbing from an indulgent partner
is a small price to pay.
Please tell all the “better than everyone else” Bible
thumpers out there that I’m not a perv. I am an Adult Little
Girl, or LG (a person who enjoys age-regress play), and a
Bible-thumping “friend” verbally bashed me after finding a
picture of me in my LG persona on a Web site. He called me
a perverted faggot and a child molester.
First, like most crossdressers, I’m straight. Second, I’ve
been happily married for 10 years to a loving and understanding
woman. Third, I’ve never been molested and I don’t have mommy
or daddy issues. I’m more sane than most!
The comment came from a man who has been divorced four times.
He is also a serial adulterer who caught at least one STI
from a prostitute!
happy to tell all the “better than you” Bible thumpers out
there that you’re not a perv, SLG, but it’s not going to do
Your friend, like a lot of Bible thumpers, needs to feel morally
superior to someone. And looking down his nose at you
in your little-girl dresses and me in my big fag relationship
allows him to feel morally superior at absolutely no cost
to himself. He doesn’t have to refrain from fucking hookers
or cheating on his parade of spouses to get right with his
make-believe God. He need only refrain from doing things he
has no desire to do—sucking dick, dancing around in dresses—in
order to go to his wholly imaginary God’s entirely fictitious
So, SLG, who cares if he thinks you’re a perv? You are
a bit of a perv. So am I. And we’re happily married pervs
and he’s a miserable “normal man” with multiple alimony payments
to make and kids who despise him and, without a doubt, one
or two sexual urges that he’s too terrified to act on. We’ve
got the much better deal, SLG, even if we have to put up with
being called “perv” by scum every now and then.
I’ve been happily married for eight years. My wife and
I have sex once or twice a week. But I have a serious problem:
I’m addicted to pornography.
I keep a stash of porn in a drawer at work. Three times a
week, my lunch hour is spent jerking off in the handicapped
stall of a public restroom. And that’s only the beginning.
I have a fetish for shit. An ideal experience for me is to
save up my bowel movement until my lunch hour, go to my favorite
restroom, and time it just right so that I empty my bowels
right before the moment of ejaculation. An extra bonus is
if someone arrives at one of the other stalls and takes a
shit. The sound and smell of it excites me even more (I am
definitely not gay). And once the person leaves, I finish
with a head-shattering orgasm.
After a really good one, I sometimes smear my shit on the
walls of the stall. I feel very disgusted afterward. I’m not
hurting anyone, but this seems wrong. Should I talk to someone?
In Los Angeles
AILA, you should definitely talk to someone: the janitors
who have to clean up after you. You owe them an apology and
tens of thousands of dollars worth of restitution. Eesh.
I’m trying to decide what’s more hilarious about your letter—that
you think a “porn addiction” is your problem or that you felt
obligated to include “definitely not gay” in a parenthetical.
Uh, AILA? There are lots of straight guys out there with porn
stashes and thrice-weekly-or-more masturbation routines who
somehow resist the urge to smear shit all over bathroom stalls.
But, hey, on behalf of gay men everywhere I want to thank
you for identifying as straight. And we encourage you to be
particularly insistent on that point when you finally get
arrested. We don’t need any more toilet-related bad press
just now, thanks.
I have been with my girlfriend for over three years.
Our relationship has come to the point where we feel that
we should either get married or go our separate ways. She
is a great girl: smart, nice, trustworthy. We have a lot of
fun together. There’s just one problem: She hates sex. In
her opinion, “sex isn’t supposed to be fun.” She also thinks
our sex life is fine. But every time we talk about marriage,
all I can think about is a lifetime of bad sex!
marry this woman, NTS. Not unless you want to be sending me
a letter like this one in two short years . . .
My wife of two years has no interest in sex. My “love
life” consists of my right hand and Internet porn. I’ve tried
giving her time without bringing it up, bringing it up, setting
the mood with candles, taking care of all the housework, cuddling—everything.
But our sex life is dead like Dillinger. I don’t want to DTMFA
because we have a kid. But I can’t stay in this situation
forever. Is there some age at which kids are best able to
handle a divorce?
About The Child
literature is all over the place on the least worst time in
a child’s life for his parents to divorce. If you’re sure
the sex life is not just really dead but really most sincerely
dead—if it’s not hormones or depression or stress—divorce
now and get it over with.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.