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I’m
a bisexual woman, age 20, and I am threesome-ing it with my
best friend and her boyfriend during a stay abroad. I knew
the girl (who’s mostly straight) beforehand. The girl thinks
it’s hot when I participate—i.e., when it’s all three of us
in bed—but she gets jealous when her boyfriend and I do anything
without her. This seems unnecessary, because I don’t get jealous
when she is alone with her boyfriend, and he doesn’t get jealous
when she and I do things alone.
She doesn’t want to be possessive, but she’s got alarms going
off. Which is odd because in two months I’ll be gone and they’ll
both be staying in Europe. It feels like she’s suddenly setting
a lot of limits on us. We have a blast when we’re all together,
but we have no real ground rules. I want this to work!
—Bi
Girl Interrupted
Gee,
BGI, I’m shocked things aren’t going well—I mean, you have
“no real ground rules,” and as everyone knows, neglecting
to establish ground rules is the secret to threesome-ing success.
Wait, did I say the secret to threesome-ing success? I’m sorry,
BGI, I meant failure. To ensure the failure of a threesome—whether
you’re threesome-ing your way through an evening or a summer
abroad—it’s crucial that you refrain from establishing ground
rules. Don’t talk about your expectations, just make assumptions;
don’t make sure everyone’s on the same page, just stomp around
the minefield of love and lust until the whole fucking thing
blows up in your faces.
I hope you’re detecting the sarcasm here, BGI.
Here’s what I suspect the problem is: You’re operating under
the assumption that you’re an equal partner in this threesome,
BGI, and that this is a sort of quasi-poly arrangement you’re
enjoying with your best friend and her boyfriend. Share and
share alike, right? But your best friend, for her part, views
you as a side attraction. She sees you as something—pardon
me, someone—that she and the boyfriend brought into their
relationship to enhance it, not someone who they’ve brought
into the relationship itself.
In other words: They’re the couple—they were a couple before
you came along, and they’re planning to be a couple after
you’re gone. If you’re unclear on that concept, BGI, it’s
because the three of you failed to establish clear ground
rules and expectations and now you’re confused, she’s jealous,
and he’s either taking advantage or feeling caught in the
middle.
Luckily it’s not too late for the three of you to sit down
and establish some ground rules. It may be that your friend,
while comfortable with the idea of you and her messing around
without the boyfriend, isn’t comfortable with the idea of
you and the boyfriend messing around without her. You may
regard that limitation as unfair and irrational; the boyfriend
may regard it as unfair and irrational; I may regard it as
unfair and irrational. But if you want this to work, BGI,
then you’ll make allowances for your best friend’s comfort
levels and security and honor her limitations.
And if you don’t wanna honor ’em, you’re free to go.
I’m a 29-year-old single gay man with some major kinks:
I’m into bondage (preferably inescapable), I’m into diapers,
and I have a very subby fantasy life. I’m wondering how someone
with my kinks should approach dating. Should I look for a
partner in the usual ways and hope that I find someone open-minded?
Or should I look mainly in kinky contexts?
I know that you’ve described diapers as “A Fetish Too Far.”
I’d be happy to find someone who’s willing to get involved
in some fairly serious bondage games and who isn’t freaked
out by my wearing diapers when he’s not around. I doubt that
an open relationship is the solution. Even if I had permission
to play with others, I can’t imagine being in a really serious
relationship without being able to share at least some of
my fantasy life with my boyfriend.
—Kinkster
Needs Open-minded Type
You
are so lucky that you’re gay, KNOT.
There are websites where you can advertise—www.recon.com is
a good place to start—and kinky spaces (leather bars, gay
BDSM groups, pansexual kink community events, etc.) where
you can hang out. But your odds of meeting a kinky or kink-tolerant
partner even “in the usual ways” are much better than the
average kinky straight guy’s odds. So put yourself out there
in both arenas—the kink ones and the usual ones—and date and
disclose, date and disclose, and then date and disclose some
more. Diapers may be AFTF for some, but they won’t be deal-breakers
for other diaper guys (they’re out there) or for a guy who
loves you to bits and is willing to do anything for you (he’s
out there, too).
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I wonder if you have any familiarity with my particular
twist. I’m female, early 40s, and I really like to watch.
Seems pretty straightforward, but I’m not the classic voyeur.
Everything I’ve read on voyeurism really emphasizes the eroticism
of secretly watching others having sex, with the possibility
of being discovered as part of the thrill. I’m not turned
on by any of that. It sounds stressful to me. I want to watch,
but I want the person I’m watching (always male in my fantasies)
to know I’m watching. I want him to be looking right at me.
I want to look into his eyes while he’s getting banged into
next week, or masturbating like a fiend, all undone and out
of control, and have him know I’m sitting there witnessing
him fall apart into orgasm. Mmmmm. (I suspect this may be
some expression of a power issue. Just maybe.)
But looking for someone to play along with me has been fruitless
thus far. The one boyfriend I did bring it up with sat there
and stared at me for so long that I dried right up and never
mentioned it again. I ran an ad in the local online personals
(M, M-F, M-M), outlining what I was interested in, thinking
that with all the exhibitionists out there, surely someone
would bite. Nothing. I did get a response, but it was from
another woman. She wanted to know if I’d had any replies,
and to ask if she could sit in if anyone took me up on my
offer. Any ideas, Dan?
—Opera
Glasses
You
told one boyfriend, you placed one ad. And then you gave up.
Gee, here’s an idea: The human race would quickly die out
if people into “normal” sex asked one person, took out one
ad, and then, if they didn’t get a positive response, stopped
asking and stopped advertising.
Look, OG, you told one person, he reacted badly, and . . .
the conclusion you seem to have drawn from this experience
is that you should never, ever risk telling anyone about your
kink ever again. May I suggest an alternate conclusion? You
told the wrong person. When you told him about your kink—your
charming, harmless, intriguing kink—and he sat there like
a stone, the correct response was not to wither under his
gaze. The correct response was to flip him off and walk out.
Readers respond to my advice for Shitty Boyfriend In the Midwest
at www.thestranger .com/savage/shitty.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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