am a 23-year-old woman living with my 25-year-old boyfriend.
We have been dating for a little over a year, and for the
majority of that time we had a great sex life. Unfortunately,
when we decided to move in together we also decided to stop
having intercourse until we decide to get married. We made
this choice with a couple factors in mind: (1) lots of pressure
from religious parents who urged us not to engage in premarital
sex, and (2) we aren’t ready to risk having a kid.
We are not engaged yet because we want to live together for
a while to make sure we both want a lifelong commitment. Our
relationship is still thriving, and if we do get married we
already know that we are sexually compatible. The problem
is that every time he instigates a session of fooling around
in nonintercourse ways (which we still do) I am not turned
on. I know whatever we do is not going to end in sex. He has
no idea I’m not interested because I focus all my attention
on getting him off. I enjoy that, but I know he would love
to pleasure me as well. What do you suggest?
Sex For Us
written columns stoned, I’ve written columns hammered, and
I’ve written columns on prescription medications—not necessarily
prescribed to me—that impaired my ability to operate heavy
machinery and, you know, my laptop is so old that it probably
qualifies as heavy machinery. But I’ve never written a column
after three straight nights of brain-killing insomnia.
So welcome to a very special, sleep-deprived episode of Savage
Love, and I apologize in advance if the advice you’re about
to receive is suckier than the stoned, hammered, heavily-
medicated crap that made this column great.
Okay, NSFU, I’ve got a few suggestions.
First, grow the fuck up. You guys are 23 and 25, not 13 and
15, which means you get to make up your own minds about premarital
sex. Seeing as you two were engaging in premarital sex before
you moved in together, it’s a whole lot of ridiculous to cave
to the delicate sensibilities of your religious parents now.
After all, kids, the same vengeful, sex-obsessed, entirely
fictitious God who disapproves of premarital sex also disapproves
of any and all “nonintercourse ways” of getting your boyfriend
off. Spilling his seed is a sin, too, NSFU, whether you’re
helping him spill on the ground or on your tonsils.
Second, birth control works. If you’re not willing to assume
the teeny, tiny risk of getting pregnant now that you’re living
together, NSFU, why were you willing to risk it when you hardly
knew each other? Take the pill, use condoms, and if you really
want to be paranoid about it, have the boyfriend pull his
condom-wrapped cock out of your nonovulating twat after you’ve
come but before he does, which will reduce your risk of an
unplanned pregnancy to so close to zero that zero will feel
like it’s being stalked. Or something.
Finally, open your mouth. This arrangement—no vaginal intercourse
for discontented you, plenty of oral and handjobs for thoroughly
contented him—works for the boyfriend, NSFU, but it’s making
you miserable. Tell him you want to renegotiate terms. You
stop worrying about what your parents think and stop inflating
your fear of pregnancy and get back to your old intercoursin’
ways—which you don’t have to tell the parents about—or he’s
going to have to buy a strap-on dildo and fuck you with that
before you’ll even think about touching his dick again.
I’m a 19-year-old gay boy, and while I have tried dating
guys my own age, I realized a long time ago that I am far
more interested (romantically and sexually) in older men.
I understand, though, that many older men out there looking
for a guy my age may not have the best of intentions. Do you
have any tips for someone in my situation?
Whelp In Needa Knowledge
men in their 30s and 40s who will date teenage boys are almost
always scum, TWINK, as you’ve surmised. But gay guys in their
30s and 40s who will date 23-year-olds? Some are scum, of
course, because some of everyone is scum, but the scum makes
up a far smaller percentage of the total. And these nonscummy
older men are much more likely to be interested in a 23-year-old
who has his shit together.
So I would advise you to skip the older guys who’ll date you
now and go and get your shit together. Get your ass into a
decent college, fuck the odd TA (and they’re all odd) to earn
a little dating-and-mating wisdom, and then, after you graduate,
take your gathered figurative shit to a big city where you’ll
meet plenty of attractive, older men interested in, um, packing
your literal shit.
Oh, and all the angry middle-aged gay men out there who “date”
teenage boys and don’t regard themselves as scum: Spare me
the angry e-mails, fellas. I didn’t say that you’re all scum,
guys, I wrote that you’re “almost always scum.” Unfortunately,
scum never thinks it’s scum, which can make it difficult to
tell the scummy ones and nonscummy ones apart, particularly
for young and inexperienced guys.
My boyfriend and I met nearly three years ago when I
was a call girl and he was a guy who wanted to be pegged (a
big, big part of my business). We became friends, then partners,
and now we’ve been together for three years. We share a home
and we’re bringing up my 7-year-old son together. It’s the
best relationship I’ve ever been in—he’s loving, communicative,
patient, supportive, and WAY fun sexually. His dad told me
recently that he’s never seen his son so happy. He’s got a
good job, and in addition to being a stay-at-home mom, I occasionally
see my old regulars. In fact, we’ve done a few calls together,
for trusted clients who wanted to experience a threesome.
My question is, how common is it for prostitutes and clients
to end up together? Of course the business is full of pitfalls,
and is not for the timid or directionless, but human beings
in proximity do tend to fall in love given the chance . .
. or are we just an anomaly?
workers and clients do occasionally fall in love (check out
the wonderful memoir Concertina by Susan Winemaker),
so it does happen, LIL. But it happens so rarely that I was
reluctant to print your letter, as it will give countless
johns false hope. But I’m sleep deprived, so here it is. Congrats
on finding the love of (fingers crossed) your life, LIL.
Here’s an ultravanilla one for you: It’s been about
eight months since I was dumped, and every day I still think
about the girl who broke my heart. I don’t speak to her and
don’t want to. How do you get over a breakup?
a cliché is all I’ve got: Time heals all wounds—time and,
of course, fucking other people. Did you know that every ounce
of another woman’s saliva that you swallow, TOH, shaves a
week off the healing process? It’s a true and totally scientific
fact. I distinctly remember reading it in the Science section
of The New York Times this morning.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.