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OK,
I need a kick in the face or something.
My boyfriend of two years and I broke up a little more than
a week ago. He cheated. But there’s a bit more to the story:
He was a raging alcoholic, and I’ve broken up with him a few
times. One of those times—when he was at our place and supposed
to be packing his things and to be gone by morning—I kind
of rebounded off of some guy, had sex with him, then came
home later the next day and found out that my boyfriend was
still at my place. We talked and got back together. Later
on, he found out about the rebound sex I had, and I think
that’s why he cheated. We weren’t a healthy couple, all in
all.
We both want to remain friends, so a week after the breakup,
we went out for coffee. We both realized that the feelings
we have for each other haven’t gone away. There’s no chance
in hell I’m getting back with him after he cheated, but I
can’t resist this urge to have sex with him. And I know the
feeling is mutual. So now I’m torn on whether to start a sex-based
“relationship” with him or just block him from my life.
—Cheated
On One
If
you’ve ruled out getting back together with this guy because
he’s a raging alcoholic, COO, that’s fine. If you’re not getting
back together with him because this relationship generates
way too much conflict and drama, COO, that’s also fine. But
if you’re not getting back together with this guy—a guy who
you have strong feelings for—because he cheated on you, well,
that’s just retarded.
Yeah, yeah: You didn’t cheat. Not technically. You were officially
“off again” when you had rapid rebound sex with someone else,
and you were “on again” when he had sex with someone else.
But . . . come on. You fucked someone else during a particularly
rough patch and kept that info from him when you decided to
get back together. He found out you fucked someone else and
went and fucked someone else himself. Now, you can choose
to view his cheating as a violation of trust and an unforgivable
betrayal and wocka wocka wocka, COO, or you can choose to
view it as part of your most recent rough patch and round
his cheating down to rebound sex, even if he was rebounding
after you were officially back together, and get back together
with him.
If that’s what you want. And you know what? It sounds like
that’s what you want.
My girlfriend of seven years has disgusting manners.
She eats loudly with her mouth open, farts and belches incessantly,
snorts instead of blows her nose, and so on.
I used to find it refreshing to be with a girl who was so
uninhibited. But now it is getting on my nerves, and it’s
embarrassing when she farts in front of our friends. I am
starting to be turned off by this, and I don’t see her as
desirable anymore. She thinks I am being sexist and have a
double standard.
Tell me please: Am I intolerant? And is there something wrong
with me that I’m losing my libido?
—Grossed
Out
Yes,
there’s something wrong with you—there’s something wrong with
anyone who could spend seven years with this woman. Seven
minutes sounds intolerable.
I wouldn’t tolerate a dude who behaved the way your girlfriend
does—or advise a woman to tolerate one—so there’s no sexist
double standard on my end. And so long as you’re not ripping
farts in front of her friends or chewing with your mouth open,
there’s no double standard on your end either, GO. Fact is,
your girlfriend is a pig and a slob, and she’d be a pig and
a slob even if she had a cock and balls.
There’s a guy out there for her somewhere—a guy with similar
habits, or a guy with a higher tolerance for loudly chewed
food, or a guy with a fetish for girl farts—and the sooner
you DTMFA, the sooner she can start delighting him with her
uninhibited ways.
My partner and I have a great thing going—madly in love,
together a year, a great sex life, similar hobbies/interests/etc.
Basically, we’re both on the same page in thinking, “This
is it!” We’ve both been very open and honest about everything,
including our relationship histories, but yesterday something
caught me completely off guard. In the course of a dinner
conversation that led to talk about old partners, I asked
how many she’d had, thinking her number was a few more than
mine (10, unless I’m forgetting someone). She sheepishly answered,
“100.” One-zero-zero!
She lived in NYC for a couple years, and maybe that’s how
people do it there. But I’m a good-hearted, Southern, serial-monogamist
boy and this makes me feel, well, odd. I’m really not sure
how I feel about this, but I am definitely feeling something.
I have zero fear of her cheating on me, and she’s way into
our sex life, but I’m not sure what to make of this. Thoughts?
—Way
Tons Fewer
Your
girlfriend had a lot of guys, so your girlfriend knows good
guys from bad, and good sex from bad, and she could get another
guy, a different one, whenever she wanted. And yet she’s with
you, WTF, and she’s faithful to you. Which can only mean one
thing: You must be pretty awesome. Your girlfriend could have
any dude she wants—she’s had almost every dude she’s wanted—and
yet she chooses to be with you.
You know what you should make of this? It’s a compliment,
WTF, and you should take it as one.
Long story short: I’m a 28-year-old Aussie gay guy,
very recently dumped. His choice, not mine. But the reason
he gave for breaking up was the way we met. He believes that
for a relationship to truly work, it’s important to be friends
first. As a single gay guy, I’ve tended meet guys at parties
and clubs, and I always figured that you start with sexual
chemistry and develop a friendship from there. Am I being
shallow?
—Suddenly
In The Scene
OK,
SITS, your ex said it didn’t work out because you weren’t
friends first. But what your ex meant, SITS, was that it didn’t
work out because once he got to know you . . . he didn’t like
you.
Sorry if that’s harsh, but there it is. No one dumps a man
who he truly loves—or even likes well enough that love is
still a possibility—on a bullshit technicality like that.
(“I’m just crazy about you, but we met on a Tuesday and I’ve
always felt that it’s important to meet someone on a Thursday,
so . . .”) You had good sexual chemistry at the start, it
seems, and you developed stronger feelings for him as things
progressed. But the more he got to know you, the less attracted
to you he was.
It’s possible that your ex has concluded that the next person
he dates has to be “friends first” because you weren’t friends
first and it didn’t work out. God only knows what he’ll decide
to do if his next relationship—one with a guy who was “friends
first”—doesn’t work out. Enemies first, perhaps?
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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