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Please
settle a difference of opinion that stumped our small group
at the coffee shop: Why do guys wear socks on their feet in
porn? I say it’s a tradition. My friends claim it is a foot-fetish
thing. My credibility rides on this, so thanks for answering.
—Socked
In Denver
Socks
in porn a tradition? Sorry, SID, but no. Socks on feet in
porn—as opposed to socks on cocks?—are like zits on butts
in porn or track marks on arms in porn. They’re incidental,
not traditional. And unless someone licks socked feet or the
socks are removed and used as gags, they’re not a “foot-fetish
thing.” So it appears that neither you nor your friends have
any credibility on porn attire, SID.
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I was recently on an airplane seated next to a man talking
on his cell phone. The man stated that he “was excited to
use his new strap-on tonight!” It made me wonder why and how
a guy would use a strap-on. Wouldn’t he just use his own penis?
When I glanced over at this guy, because I wasn’t sure how
a man would use a strap-on, he told his caller he had to go
as he was getting the “stink-eye” from me. I wasn’t disgusted,
just curious because he acted like this was a normal toy for
guys, not to mention an appropriate conversation to have on
an airplane. All my gay friends were stumped, too. I was wondering
if you could solve this mystery.
—Stink-Eye
In 12E
The
most obvious answer: The strap-on was a late Christmas gift
presented to him to be used on him, not by him.
A slightly less-obvious answer: Some small-dicked men—ones
who are not at all insecure—use strap-ons on partners who
enjoy a “filled-up” feeling from time to time. The least obvious
answer: The man on the airplane was a female-to-male transsexual
who, like a lot of forward-thinking FTMs, declined to get
an expensive phalloplasty during his transition and the pretty
much nonfunctional penis a phalloplasty “endows” an FTM with.
Instead, he invested in a high-quality, looks-like-a-prick,
feels-like-a-sneaker strap-on.
If your gay friends couldn’t come up with any of these answers,
SEI12E, you need smarter, more insightful, more credible gay
friends.
Longtime reader, first-time writer.
In last week’s column, there was a letter from JON, a young,
just-out gay kid who is not ready for anal sex. Please excuse
a question from a naive but well-meaning/curious straight
guy . . . but what other kinds of gay sex are there? Just
hands-on and oral, kind of like what us hetero folks do? Or
are there other things that would blow my plain-vanilla-sex
mind?
—Dumb-Ass
White Guy
You
mean straight people haven’t heard of ear-holin’ and nose-bangin’
and socket-fuckin’ and piss-slittin’ and ann-coulterin’? You
gotta get out more, DAWG.
Actually, there are no mysterious gay sex acts, nothing that
we can do that you can’t do better. And there are things we
can’t do at all. We can call it “boypussy” and “mangina” all
we want, but two gay men aren’t going to do vaginal intercourse
as well as a hetero couple, and lesbians who want to snowball
have to resort to cream-cheese frosting cut with a little
skim milk. The only pronounced difference between gay and
straight sex—besides the hotness—is that most gay folks regard
“hands-on” and oral as “real sex,” not as disappointing consolation
prizes we’re handed when “real” sex, i.e., fucking, isn’t
in the offing.
Straight people—particularly straight men—would do well to
emulate queers in this regard. The more things you consider
“real” sex, and the more things you consider hot sex, the
more real, hot sex you’ll be having.
Dan, your advice to LIMP—the man who was reluctant to
use a vibrator on/with his wife—was right on! I’m a 34-year-old
woman who needs a vibrator to get off, and for years I felt
“defective.” My husband didn’t exactly help at first, but
he eventually asked me to show him how I did it. He wanted
to try. Bingo—the look on my face was all he needed; he was
a convert from that moment on.
One of his issues with the vibrator, though, was the phallic
shape; he felt like it was replacing him. Many men don’t like
vibrators for that reason. It’s bigger, harder, and lasts
longer—all of that can intimidate a guy. But you can buy tiny
vibrators that are just a couple of inches long, egg-shaped
ones, and butterfly-shaped ones. LIMP should visit his local
adult-toy shop with his wife and pick out a silly one that
doesn’t compete.
Bottom line: She has been brave enough to share her needs
with you. Would you prefer it if she faked it for your entire
marriage and quietly took care of herself in private?
—Nothing
Beats A Good Buzz
Thanks
for sharing, NBAGB.
Saddlebacking
Defined: The votes are in, the people have spoken, our
democratic ideals are renewed. But first: Anyone who picks
up the Jan. 24 issue of the Economist—I pick it up
every week for the “Page 3 Boy,” sudoku puzzle, and horoscopes—will
find this lead paragraph to a story about Barack Obama’s inauguration.
“Any
decision Barack Obama makes can cause a stir. He invited Rick
Warren, a popular pastor, to say a few words at his inauguration.
The aim was to stroke conservative Christians, thereby fostering
a warm feeling of national unity. But some of Mr. Obama’s
gay supporters were appalled. Though hardly a fire-breather
by the standards of Southern Baptists, Mr. Warren holds old-fashioned
views about homosexuality. Bloggers lamented Mr. Obama’s ‘betrayal.’
Dan Savage, a gay columnist, urged his readers to protest
by coining a new meaning for ‘Saddleback’—the name of Mr.
Warren’s church. Many of the suggestions were unprintable.”
Many of them were unprintable? Not true, Economites. I printed
all of them right here in this space. So it’s not that the
suggestions themselves were unprintable—there’s not one single
profanity in the lot—it’s that you poofs just don’t have the
balls to print them. That’s very different.
And now . . . without further delay . . . the winning definition
of “saddleback” . . . by a gaping margin . . . definition
number 5.
“Saddlebacking:
the phenomenon of Christian teens engaging in unprotected
anal sex in order to preserve their virginities.” After
attending the Purity Ball, Heather and Bill saddlebacked all
night because she’s saving herself for marriage.
Here’s why this definition is perfect: Saddlebacking, like
barebacking, involves one person riding up on another’s backside.
But in this case, it’s not the bare-naked cock-in-ass that’s
the most important feature of the ride, but the fact that
the person being ridden has been saddled—thanks to the efforts
of the Rick Warrens of this world—with religious hang-ups
and serious misconceptions about sex. Like the barebacker
who casually tosses away his health—or his partner’s health—because
he believes, quite erroneously, that “risky = sexy,” the saddlebacker
offers up her ass because she believes, quite erroneously,
that she can get fucked in the ass—vigorously, religiously—and
still be considered a virgin on her wedding night.
I’ve set up a Web site—www.saddleback ing.com—to popularize
the new definition. (Get to work, Google bombers!) Spread
the URL far and wide, please, and let’s get this term into
common usage as quickly as possible.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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