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My
boyfriend of 16 months and I have a great relationship. He
loves my blowjobs, but he will not kiss me if I have his come
in my mouth. It grosses him out. We have talked about this,
and he won’t even try. I have no problem if he kisses me after
going down on me. I just want him to try. Is there something
wrong with asking him to taste himself? I do it all the time
and love it.
—Missing
Kisses
It’s
funny your question—with its hint of gay panic—should arrive
today. I’ve been on vacation with the family all week snowboarding
in beautiful British Columbia, and what I enjoy most—besides
the snowboarding and the half-naked, fully stoned Australian
snowboard instructors lolling around in hot tubs at the end
of the day—is watching the straight boys who refuse to sit
four to a chairlift. They want to ride up alone or ride up
two at a time on a four-seater with two empty seats between
’em. They seem to think gayness can be contracted through
thigh-to-thigh contact.
Which it can.
Now, MK, there’s kissing someone with your come on her breath
and then there’s kissing someone with your come in her mouth.
It sounds like you’re interested in the latter, which makes
it sound like you’re interested in passing some of your boyfriend’s
load into his mouth—i.e., snowballing—and not simply being
rewarded with a kiss, his come on your breath, for a blowjob
well-done. And that’s an entirely different wad of spunk.
Just because you enjoy tasting yourself on his lips, doesn’t
mean your boyfriend will enjoy or should have to enjoy mouthing
his own load. First, there’s a significant difference in volume
and consistency between you kissing his glazed lips and him
eating his own spunk. And then there’s this: After a woman
comes, MK, she’s still in a groove, still capable of more
orgasms, still cranked up. After ejaculating, a man is essentially
uncranked. He’s not capable of another orgasm (not right away,
anyway)—he’s been knocked out of his groove. So even if the
idea of snowballing appeals to a man as you’re blowing him,
it might not hold the same appeal the moment after he comes.
Some men are afraid of tasting their own come because they
believe that doing so, like sitting too close on a chairlift,
can turn a guy gay. And it’s not an unreasonable fear: not
because it will turn a guy gay, but because, judging from
my mail, a lot of women are convinced that any man who would
taste his own come must secretly be gay. It’s possible that
your boyfriend is dying to taste himself, MK, but, like the
boys on the chairlifts, is afraid of getting a reputation
if he goes ahead with this and you blab about it to your friends.
I am at a heavy-metal show at a dive bar as I write
this. There are tons of guys I consider hot here, 98 percent
of whom, I’m sure, are straight. But I got a vibe off this
one guy. This is such a macho environment, though, that there’s
a considerable amount of danger in asking the question, “So,
you gay?”
I remember an episode of Law and Order where Jerry Orbach
tried to determine if a suspect was in AA by asking a secret
question. Something like, “Are you a friend of Bill W.?” The
idea was that the question was innocuous if you weren’t in
AA.
Since you are the king of “santorum” and “pegging” and “saddlebacking,”
I thought maybe you could invent a secret question for masculine
gay men in masculine environments. Something like, “Hey, do
you like to barbecue?” So how ’bout it? Can you declare the
official secret are-you-a-masculine-gay-guy question?
—Men
Are Cute Hot Objects
The
best I could come up with on my own, MACHO, was this: “A
Little Night Music—original Broadway cast recording or
original London cast?” But that line will get your ass kicked
in a lot of gay bars—as I know from bitter experience. So
let’s toss this out to my readers, the folks who came up with
the definitions for “santorum,” “pegging,” and “saddlebacking”:
OK, gang, we’re looking for an innocuous question that (1)
all fags everywhere would know the answer to but (2) no straight
guys anywhere would. My long-suffering interns—their uniforms
chafe—await your suggested questions at mail@savagelove.net.
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I had to refrain from opening this with “Hey, Asshole!”
(oops, guess I kind of just did) after reading your advice
to Sex Best One On One, the woman who married a man who warned
her that he could not be monogamous and who then realized
she couldn’t share him. While I agree with your assessment
of SBOOO’s husband—up-front, honest—your assessment of SBOOO
is obviously influenced by your need to have a good rant at
polyamory-unfriendly marriage counselors, family, friends,
and the world at large. SBOOO does not have to apologize for
who she is (not as willing to do long-term nonmonogamy as
previously thought) to elitist, more-liberated-than-thou jerk-offs
(hint: you!) after giving it a good fucking try (12 times!).
Pun intended.
—Loving
Toronto Reader
I
am a polyamorist. I am always up-front with my partners about
this, especially if I want to get serious with them. So many
people seem to say that they are fine with it out of some
kind of misguided assumption that they can eventually change
my mind. You know, “Polyamory isn’t real; it’s just a phase!”
You know, like being gay.
I just wanted to say thank you for your reply to SBOOO!
I couldn’t have said it better myself. That was an absolutely
fantastic response. Just like you said, counselors (and for
that matter, family members) always see the polyamorist as
the bad guy, unreasonably refusing to take the simple, easy
route of strict monogamy. It was really nice to finally have
someone stand up for us. Thank you!
While I’m sure you enjoy positive feedback, saying thank you
is cheap. A lot of times you plug various charities and causes
in your column, is there any group you’d like me to donate
to as a more concrete symbol of my appreciation?
—Longtime
Fan
Some
folks think I was too hard on SBOOO, some think I was just
hard enough. Like I said in my original response, I intentionally
came down hard on SBOOO to compensate for the vast and overwhelming
majority of advice professionals who would, per LF, side aggressively
with her because a nonmonogamous partner—even an honest one
like SBOOO’s mate—is always perceived as the bad guy.
For the record: I am not biased toward nonmonogamy. But I
do think monogamous people should be with each other and should
refrain from marrying folks who are self-aware enough to inform
them in advance that they don’t think they’re capable of being
monogamous.
Some folks who wrote in about my advice for SBOOO raised a
good point: I should have come down on the husband as well.
If nonmonogamy was a deal breaker for him, then he was a fool
to marry SBOOO before verifying her ability to be nonmonogamous.
Agreed. So, for the record: SBOOO’s husband? You’re an idiot,
too.
Finally, LF, I’m always happy to see money go to Planned Parenthood.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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