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My
husband and I have been together for about four years and
have been married for a little over a year. He’s 31; I’m 27.
We started out as friends and soon began a long-distance relationship,
until I got pregnant. We have a great friendship, and honestly
I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s our problem:
I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s practically
asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite shocking.
Early on, it didn’t bother me much—infrequent sex is common
in long-distance relationships—but now that we’re married,
he would still rather jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m
in great shape, my “amazing ass” gets hit on all the time,
and I’m an open-minded, porn-loving girl—but my husband isn’t
interested. Lame. The sex he does give me is quasi-forced,
strictly missionary, and at most three times a year. But the
solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at work
happens three times a week at least. Lamer.
The topic has been discussed often. Especially after I go
out with friends and come home at an indecent hour, upon which
I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up by
blokes who noticed my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his
sex drive has been a problem in his previous relationships.
I guess I’m just getting to the point where one of these days,
I’m going to fuck a minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?
—Sexless
And Desperate
Your
husband—who is beating off three times a week in front of
the computer—is interested in sex, SAD. He’s just not interested
in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been with. But ultimately,
the issue here isn’t sex. It’s about neglect and selfishness
and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to
fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested
in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his
ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two
options: an open relationship or a new relationship.
Considering your compatibility and the fact that you have
a child, I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open relationship
it is—and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If sex doesn’t
matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then
it shouldn’t matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely
unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer
teams. So long as you’re a good and loving partner and parent,
and so long as your family is your first priority, you should
be free to seek safe, sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere.
Added perk for him: no more quasi-forced sex with you.
And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re having sex with other
dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will
cause your husband to develop a bad case of sperm-competition
syndrome (Google it), and the husband will be inspired, fucking
you three times a week instead of his fist.
I’m 21, female, and pretty experienced. The guy I’m
dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like to avoid some
of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise, seeing
as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we attempted
to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he
also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping
my leg.) I’m at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a
lot of communication in the moment; aside from that, do you
have any advice for how to make this less awkward for both
of us?
—First
Isn’t Really Sexy Time
Mess
around a few times—at least a half a dozen times—with vaginal
penetration off the menu, ratcheting down the performance
anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen that, yes, his dick does
work—yes we can get hard, yes we can stay hard, yes we can
blow a load with a woman in the room—then you can move on
to vaginal intercourse. And take control, FIRST: Tell him—as
sexily as possible—what you’re going to be doing before you
get started, tell him what you’re doing while you’re doing
it, and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of letting
him guess.
And, finally, a little required reading for the virgins out
there and the people who’re about to fuck some sense into
them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and
Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight,
bi; young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences.
The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving,
hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at
once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and
that some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most
of us survive them, might be good for your virgin, first.
It couldn’t hurt you to be reminded of those things, either.
I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses
Interest Quickly, and I would like to share what worked for
me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come but was
hesitant—and I’ve got two follow-up questions for you.
My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife, was frustrated
that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after climax.
So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed:
I masturbate into a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer.
Then during our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she
feeds it to me in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces
on her body and I lick it up as it melts, preclimax of course.
Because of these baby steps, now on special occasions I even
eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in her.
Two questions: Could home-frozen sperm—stored for 24 hours
or so in a regular household freezer—impregnate my wife? And
if so, is there a risk of birth defects or miscarriage? Also,
we are interested in using my ejaculate as an ingredient in
cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes that use human
semen?
—Coming
Around To Cream Pies
Frozen
spermcicles gross me out, CATCP, and I arrive at this debate
with a real affection for the stuff. So I can’t imagine your
idea will catch on, even among guys like you and LIQ. Another
reader had a better idea: a little tantric woo-woo. “Through
specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make
yourself come without ejaculating; or, you can ejaculate a
little and still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself
to a ‘mini-orgasm’ where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s
tits, go right back to riding her again, and tease her by
licking a bit off. She loves it.”
As for your questions . . .
“Sperm
frozen in a household freezer would probably be useless for
insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an associate professor
at Oregon Health & Science University and a fertility
consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably
wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to
be frozen in special solutions in order to survive, and we
freeze it in liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”
And while I’ve never cooked with sperm—if it’s not in Mark
Bittman’s How to Cook Everything, it was either meant
to be eaten raw or not at all—there’s a cookbook out there
for you: Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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