met this girl on an “adult” website, and we are supposed to
meet. We first exchanged a few e-mails on the service, and
then we got each other’s screen names. Then we chatted over
IM twice, just the basic small talk, before exchanging numbers.
It was on the phone that she told me about her rape fantasy:
She has always fantasized about being kidnapped by a stranger
from a public place like the grocery store, held in a dark
room over the weekend, and forced to do whatever her captor
Even though that sounds hot as hell, I wouldn’t do that to
someone without at least meeting first. Safety first. So the
idea now is to meet at a bar, have a drink, and then go back
to my place and enact a date-rape scene. Not quite her ultimate
fantasy, but it just so happens to be one of my all-time fantasies.
We’re both turned on by the idea that we won’t even know each
other that well. We will be near-strangers.
Now here comes the problem: What if she is some wacko who
will call the cops on me/blackmail me and say it was actual
rape? Can I protect myself from this somehow? We never talked
about it over IM, just on the phone. This is one of the boxes
I would like to check before I die, but I want to be safe
about it. Help!
Rape Or Not To Rape
tempted to advise you—and others with similar fantasies (not
all of them men, not all of them straight)—to Google “Oliver
Jovanovic” and then move on to the next question. But there’s
the digital divide to consider: Not all the aspiring date-rape
fetishists out there have access to the interwebs. So a brief
recap for you Luddites:
Oliver Jovanovic was a graduate student at Columbia University
when he met a woman named Jamie Rzucek on the interwebs way,
way back in 1996. The two bonded over a shared interest in
bondage and torture, and they met up for an evening of consensual
sex that included bondage and torture. After it was all over,
Rzucek went to the police and Jovanovic was arrested, prosecuted,
found guilty, and given to 15 years to life. He spent almost
two years in prison—during which time he was brutally assaulted
and nearly killed—before he was released on appeal and ultimately
kinda, sorta exonerated.
Guess what got Jovanovic out of prison? E-mails that had been
improperly excluded by the judge during the first trial. The
e-mails showed that Rzucek had not only consented to engage
in bondage and S&M, but that she had touched base with
him after the fact to tell him how exhilarated and freaked
The lesson for you, TRONTR, is to get it in goddamn writing.
Negotiate this scene via e-mail, keep copies of those e-mails,
and agree in advance—via e-mail—on a safe word that, if uttered,
brings the action to a screeching halt. I’d also suggest that
you—with her consent—make a digital audio recording of the
encounter. Then you wouldn’t just have e-mails proving she
consented going in, TRONTR, but a digital recording that proved
you stopped whatever it was you were doing if she used her
safe word and retracted her consent during the encounter.
Making a digital audio recording of the encounter means you
won’t have photos or video to share over the interwebs, which
should appeal to her if she is concerned about privacy. And
using the magic of the World Wide Interwebs, you can simultaneously
record this encounter on your computer and remotely on hers.
That should give her some assurance that you won’t take advantage
of her written consent to a consensual rape-role-play scenario
as a cover to actually rape her, i.e., to do things she hasn’t
consented to or to ignore her if she removes her consent during
the act, because then she’d have proof that you ignored her
safe word and kept going after she withdrew her consent.
I’ve been seeing “Radioman” for a few weeks—the physical
chemistry between us is amazing, and we have a lot of fun.
He had a vasectomy a year ago (he’s only 26), and for me this
is a deal breaker for any serious commitment, since I want
to have a family. The other surprise is that he is also in
relationships with two other women. They know about each other
and about me, and the three of them get together about once
a month and have threesomes. I am a bisexual woman recently
out of a long-term relationship, and I am interested in joining
this little playgroup. However, I met one of the other women
recently, and she seemed jealous and upset. Radioman insists
that she was just tired and that she actually likes me. I’m
not so sure. Am I asking for drama by getting involved in
Of Joining A Harem
Speaking of drama: Teen mom Bristol Palin and her fiancé,
Levi Johnston, called it quits last week. So we’ve been cheated
out of the Royal Rube Wedding we were promised during last
summer’s Republican National Convention—and another child
will grow up without a father in the home, which is a tragedy
for the child, according to America’s Talibangelists.
Or that’s what they said when Mary Cheney—remember that dyke?—had
a baby with a woman she would marry if she could marry.
It’s weird that America’s Talibangelists aren’t making the
same point now.
I hate to disagree, Dan, but you missed the mark when
you wrote this: “When we marry, we’re signing up to fuck someone
at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested in fucking?
Dan, people marry for many, many reasons. Sex is only one
of them, and sometimes it isn’t even high on the list—or on
the list at all. Family, friendship, stability, love, someone
to grow old with, and on and on. Your surprisingly narrow
description of what marriage means needs some rethinking.
Thanks for your work,
Cacilda Jethá, MD
I’m willing to concede that I left an important subordinate
clause out of the sentence that riled you, Cacilda: “When
we marry, we’re signing up to fuck someone at least semiregularly
for decades, among other things . . . ”
Marriage can be about all the things you list, Cacilda, but
so long as sexual exclusivity is presumed to be a part
of marriage—a defining part, according to the right-wingers—spouses
have a right to expect sexual activity within their
marriages. People who are interested in marriage but not sex—people
whose lists only include family, friendship, stability, love,
someone to grow old with, and on and on, but not sex—need
to inform their prospective spouses of their disinterest in
sex before marrying, not after.
As I’ve said a million times before: If you don’t think that
sex is what marriage is all about, mostly about, or even partly
about, if sex is something you can live without, that’s grand.
But you need to marry someone who feels the same way or inform
your betrothed of your disinterest well in advance. And if
you lose interest in sex after you marry but want your partner
to stick around for the family and stability and friendship
and the rest of it, I’ll let you in on a little secret: The
spouse is likelier to stick around for that crap if you give
the spouse permission to get his or her sexual needs met elsewhere.
It never ceases to amaze me how many people who aren’t interested
in sex—who consider sex to be trivial and unimportant—nevertheless
deny their frustrated partners permission to do this trivial,
unimportant thing with others.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.