stop using the word “retarded” as an insult, Dan. I know it
can be hard to break a verbal habit, but please make an effort.
Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” on your desk that you
put a dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar
is full, send the money to the Special Olympics.
Whatever you do, though, try to remember that you have lots
of listeners and readers who have loved ones with mental disabilities,
and we don’t want to hear you misuse the word “retarded.”
Please don’t tell me to read or listen to other people if
I don’t like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen
to your podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people
with mental disabilities.
Real Other Sister
going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and make a conscious,
conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit of using
the word “retard.” But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for
me. Instead, I’m going to use a substitution for the word.
From now on, instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so retarded,”
I’m going to say “leotard” and “that’s so leotarded.” I won’t
be mocking the mentally challenged, just the physically gifted.
I will pick on the strong—and the limber—and not the weak.
I’ve lived with my boyfriend for a little less than
a year, and we have awesome, frequent sex and a loving relationship.
I’m not naive, and I don’t expect my boyfriend not to look
at porn. However, I took the opportunity to make it as clear
as possible that porn makes me uncomfortable (I have a weird,
visceral distaste), and it makes me feel insecure (am I not
enough for him?). All I ask is that he clear his browser history
if we’re going to continue sharing computers and that he keep
his porno-viewing habits private.
We had a huge fight about this. He was raised in an oppressive,
religious household and feels my attitude is oppressively
prudish. But I don’t think he should feel ashamed for looking
at pornography, I just don’t want to see it. Why can’t he
see my point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to
keep this part of his private life private?
not at all unreasonable to ask him to be discreet about his
porn-viewing habits, OTO, out of consideration for your feelings.
And if he can’t see that, well, then he’s just being willfully
But there are other solutions: Get your own personal laptops,
change his settings so his browser history clears automatically,
and if he makes an effort and slips up now and then—if you
come across a porn-clogged browser history—clear it yourself
and resist the urge to bring it up.
And for the record: It never even occurs to me to look at
the browser history on the computer my boyfriend and I share.
It wouldn’t bother me if he was looking at porn—I’d be concerned
if he wasn’t looking at porn—but there’s no law that requires
you to check out his browser history. Scrutinizing browser
histories is fourth-degree snooping, and only a leotard scrolls
through her boyfriend’s browser history knowing that what
she’s likely to find there is going to upset her.
I’m a 29-year-old hetero male considering breaking up
with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five years. I can’t find a
reason to do it, though. We never fight; she loves to do all
the chores I hate and vice versa; she’s accepting of all my
kinks, from anal to public sex; and we love each other. We’ve
been talking marriage and family all year.
But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming boring, and my
heart aches every time I hear about a girl who wishes I were
single. I told my girlfriend about these things, and she (while
crying) gave me permission to sleep around so long as it’s
on her terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I’m not
happy with the restrictions, but I can’t ask for more because
she gets so depressed talking about it.
Am I being self-destructive in wanting to throw away the love
of my life?
Me Have It
being a self-destructive leotard, LMHI, and your cliché male
fear-of-intimacy issues are totally leotarded. Perhaps the
marriage conversation is making you jittery—as marriage, in
theory at least, means that you’ll never again experience
the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever finding
another girl—for a long- or short-term relationship—who loves
you, who you enjoy living with, and who is willing to give
you permission to sleep around, even with conditions, are
infinitesimally small. If you weren’t such a leotard, you
would be able to see that you’re not going to do better than
And make an effort to kick your sex life with the girlfriend
into gear before you sleep with someone else. If she was sobbing
her eyes out when she gave you permission to sleep with other
people, LMHI, that’s not a good sign. Successful and healthy
open relationships rarely get their start when one partner
has consented under duress. Boring can be fixed, and fixing
it may involve opening this relationship up, but she’s not
really ready to go there.
I’m a big fan of something called the Instead cup, which
might help AFTER and her hemophobic boyfriend who doesn’t
want to have sex with her at any time during her period. You
can buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in California.
When I have my period, the Instead cup sits up against my
cervix. It captures all the menstrual blood and keeps it away
from my loving boyfriend’s enormous yet fastidious cock. He
often doesn’t even realize I have it in. It’s a little messy
to take out and dispose of, but it’s totally worth it. Here’s
the website: www.softcup.com.
And if AFTER’s boyfriend still won’t fuck her with one of
these handy numbers in, then she should definitely DTMFA.
familiar—not intimately so—with the Instead cup. But, like
a total leotard, I spaced it. Thanks for writing, CUP.
Longtime fan, Dan, but I don’t see you on Twitter. It
would be a blast! Thanks in advance.
More Savage Love
a column and doing a weekly podcast and blogging aren’t enough?
Now I have to Twitter?
Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk youth who pull
the Savage Lovecast together every week may have dragged
my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century—they created
a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/ user/dansavage) and
a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/pages/Dan-Sav age/50670281251?ref=ts)—but
I’m going to draw the line at Twittering, at least for the
time being, as it would cut into my drinking time.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.