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Dear
Readers: I regard this column as a sacred tryst. Your faith
in my counsel and willingness to take me into your confidence
moves and humbles me on a daily basis, and the seriousness
with which I approach my chosen profession would normally
prevent me from turning your letters over to a bunch of unruly
drunks in a bar. But word somehow got around the bar where
I retired to write this week’s column, and the assembled drunks
insisted that they be allowed to share their hard-earned wisdom
with you. So I printed out a few of your letters on the bar’s
office printer—with names, e-mail addresses, and identifying
details removed—and passed them around with pens and legal
pads.
The
American Heritage Dictionary defines “advice” as “an opinion
about what could or should be done,” and opinions, as Saint
Paul famously observed, are like assholes: Everyone’s got
one (Esophagans 14:20). Please note that I don’t endorse all
of the asshole opinions below—particularly when murder is
recommended—and rest assured that I will be drinking/writing/drinking
elsewhere from now on.
My wife and I have been married for eight months, and
I love her very much. However, we don’t have sex much, maybe
three times a month. We’ve seen a therapist a few times, and
it hasn’t changed anything. I still love her, but my needs
haven’t been met and I’m frustrated. Due to my frustration,
I posted an ad on Craigslist—not to cheat but to just get
some erotic interaction via the Web. I only sent a few pictures
back and forth. However, my wife found the e-mails. I apologized
and said I never wanted to be with anyone but her, but that
I just wanted to feel like I was desired. My wife has asked
me to move out for a while, which I did.
Are we effed? I know what I did was horrible, but I want to
make this marriage work. I love her, and I don’t want this
to end it.
—Confused
In Salt Lake
•
“Since you live in Salt Lake, I’m going to assume that you
didn’t have sex with your wife before you got marriaged
[hic], and so it turns out that you and your wife are
incompatible. Next time, try the milk before you buy the cow.”
•
“A lot of men make the mistake of initiating sex by just being
like, ‘Hey, let’s fuck.’ Try this: Rub her shoulders, offer
to make her a bath, give her a foot massage. Then eat her
out, but don’t ask for anything. Do this for two weeks. Show
her that you want her to enjoy sex. If it doesn’t work, sorry,
you’re fucked.”
•
“You have four separate problems that are now, through the
magic of synergy, combined into one big one: Your wife’s not
into sex, you live in Utah, your wife made you move out, and
you’re using Craigslist (what the fuck?). Time for some radical
honesty: Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want.
Insist she do the same. Don’t censor. This will either finish
burning your marriage to the ground or maybe—maybe—allow
you to start dealing with each other like adults.”
•
“Hey, Mormon Dumbfuck: She asked you to move out. It’s already
over! Hello?!?”
I have a submissive side. My first dominant girlfriend would
face-sit me for an hour; after she climaxed, she would ride
me until she climaxed multiple times, and only then would
she let me climax. Eventually we were doing cunnilingus after
intercourse, but when she suggested it might be fun to add
“more sauce” to the mix—bring another man into our play, and
this other man’s ejaculate—I dumped her. A similar thing happened
in my next relationship. Do all dominant women think all male
submissives are interested in bisexual behavior and being
a cuckold?
There is a BDSM group in Washington, D.C., but the cohort
for under-35s is tiny (I am under 30), and it’s nothing but
fat women. I don’t want to pay, I work out, I have a salary,
and I eat my lunch every day. I don’t need to be looked after.
I am totally self-reliant, but I nevertheless want to be completely
dominated by a woman. If the right woman came along now, I
would marry her and make her very happy.
Should I be more patient and let her find me, or should I
find ways to put out more openly that I am a submissive?
—Where
Are The Monogamous Dominant Women?
•
“Where are your social skills, douchebag?”
•
“You sound like a dick. Only sex your way or you dump them?
WTF? Try meeting someone you like and slowly introduce the
Dom/sub stuff. Right now you are so demanding with
your fantasies but unwilling to fulfill someone else’s. That’s
a dick move.”
•
“When I got to ‘I have a salary and I eat my lunch,’ I stopped
reading.”
•
“There is nothing less attractive than a ‘sub’ screaming,
‘Top me, Mistress—but not if you’re too fat or too poly or
too old or if you actually have fantasies of your own or if
you’re going to order me to do something I don’t want to do.’
That’s why you’re not getting any action, dummy.”
•
“You suck. The end.”
My partner and I are in our mid-20s and have been together
since our teens. We have similar interests and compatible
lifestyles. We make an awesome pair. Unfortunately, we are
not sexually compatible. Over time we’ve grown closer regarding
most things, except for sex. I’ve come to realize that I’m
kinky and nonmonogamous. My partner is decidedly not kinky,
though she has said that if I slept with others she would
never want to know. That leaves a door slightly open.
I love her and am committed to the relationship, but
I need some kink to be happy, and my outing myself as kinky
has led to a steady deterioration in our vanilla sex life.
Is it fair to put her on notice that I’ll be kinking out as
opportunities arise and deal with the fallout as we go?
—Seeking
Orderly Solution
•
“She said she would ‘never want to know.’ That is not an
open door. That’s a double-shielded blast door with padlocks
and a sign on it that says, ‘Don’t even think about it, motherfucker.’”
•
“Putting her ‘on notice’ sounds kind of assholish. Have the
big, awful, stomach-clenching talk about your future. It’s
not fair to either of you for you to have to stay monogamous
and be unhappy. You need to figure this out.”
•
“Let her know that you are going to do it if the opportunity
arises, but assure her that you’re just looking to satisfy
your kink. Be sure to respect her desire not to know, but
always be ready to divulge if she changes her mind. If you
want the relationship to work, you need to be ‘allowing.’”
•
“You’ll be unhappy for a few years if you leave her, but you’ll
be unhappy for the rest of your life if you stay.”
•
“WTF? Get rid of the shit. I’m not talking about ‘leaving’
her. She’s likely to have some of your secrets. Kill her.
Everything you need is at a convenience store: shovel, lime,
rope, large garbage bags, sympathy card for the family.”
Thanks for the input and insight, assembled drunks. And for
the record: Murder is wrong. Dump her, SOS, don’t kill her.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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