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I
met my girlfriend about three months ago on a social-networking
Web site. The pictures made her look attractive and in shape.
We texted each other nonstop for the first three months. This
past weekend we met, and she didn’t look anything like her
pictures. However, we did still have sex twice. I’m about
to start my freshman year in college, and I realized upon
returning from my orientation that I do not want to be tied
down going into school. Breaking up with her will break her
heart into pieces. I have no clue what I should do.
—Epic
State Of Confusion
You
didn’t meet your girlfriend three months ago, ESOC,
you met this girl last weekend. And if she expects
a lifetime commitment after posting misleading photos and
exchanging text messages and a single weekend of sex, she
isn’t just asking to have her heart broken, her heart needs
breaking. So you’ll have to break it for her, ESOC, unless
you’re prepared to be with this woman for the next six or
seven decades.
She’ll conclude that the breakup has something to do with
her looks, of course, and that fact will make your rejection
hurt all the worse. Good. She set herself up for rejection
when she posted misleading photographs on that social-networking
Web site and forged an emotional connection with you under
what amounts to false pretenses. Your rejection may convince
her to post more-representative photos—honest photos—in the
future.
For the record: Anyone looking for sex partners online is
allowed to post flattering photos of recent vintage. People
are free, of course, to post misleading photos of mysterious
provenance. But those who post misleading photos have no one
to blame for their hurt feelings but themselves.
If I may paraphrase the caption under a famous New Yorker
cartoon: On the Internet, no one knows—or has to know—that
you’re a dog. But when chatting becomes cyberdating, when
romance may be in the offing, and a face-to-face meeting becomes
inevitable, an exchange of better photos—or at least more-representative
photos—is simple common sense and common courtesy.
And here’s where you went wrong, ESOC: You fucked this girl.
She naturally interpreted your willingness to fuck her as
a sign that you didn’t care about the discrepancy between
her photos and her actual appearance. It’s going to make the
rejection she has coming more devastating than it needed to
be.
I’m a gay male in my late 20s and a survivor of testicular
cancer. I count myself lucky, but I’m still down a testicle.
I’m also coming out of a five-year relationship. I’m now concerned
about how much a set of balls counts in the gay community.
I am not getting one of those ridiculous ball implants. I
just want to make sure I don’t freak out any of my future
partners. However, discussing cancer during a first date or
in dance clubs seems to be sort of a turnoff. Tips?
—Half
The Man I Used To Be
Since
having one ball isn’t going to place your sex partners at
any risk of anything or hamper your sexual performance in
any way, I don’t think you’re obligated to disclose until
you get home from the movie or the club and you’re rolling
around on the couch and making out. When hands start reaching
for zippers, say something like this: “Just so you know, I’ve
only got one ball. Long story, and I’ll tell you all about
it later. And I only have one dick, too—but you only have
one throat, so we’ll find a way to make this work.”
There may be a handful of gay guys out there who won’t want
to date a guy with one ball, and they’ll make their excuses
and refrain from seeing you again. But so long as you’re not
an insecure, tormented bag of slop always bemoaning his half-empty
sack, it shouldn’t interfere with your love life.
A wonderful guy I’ve known since grade school zoomed
in and became my lover after a devastating divorce. He’s a
tiger in bed, sweet and respectful, and an overall terrific
guy. The problem? I’ve always been considered a “knockout,”
while my lover is “different” looking. I love him even more
for it. But how do I deal with assholes who ask questions
like “What are you doing with him?” It’s usually one of his
“friends”—and they’ll say it right in front of him. What the
hell am I supposed to say?
—My
Boyfriend’s Not A Loser
“What
am I doing with him? I’m doing all I can to keep his nuts
drained—basically, I’m doing for him what your right hand
does for you.”
I have been with my girlfriend for nearly four years
now. We are both 23. We are in love, but I want to have sex
with other people—with girls and with guys. I was a virgin
when I met her, but she had been with a few other guys. I
have brought up threesomes, and she seems fine with the idea
and talking about it turns her on. But she also says she doesn’t
want me to have sex with any other girls, only her, but a
guy would be fine.
—What
Should I Do?
Find
a guy you wanna fuck, WSID, check in with the girlfriend,
have a conversation about health and safety and primacy (she’ll
always come first), and ask if she wants to have an MFM threesome.
Then go fuck the guy. If you fuck the guy alone, check in
with the girlfriend before and after. If you fuck him together—if
you have that threesome—check in with the girlfriend before,
during, and after.
Then once you’ve shown the girlfriend that you’re capable
of sleeping with other people without being irresponsible,
unsafe, or insensitive, WSID, she might—might—give
you the OK to fuck another girl sometime. The odds are even
better if she fucks another guy with or in front of you and
realizes that, just as she had sex with another man without
feeling any less attracted or attached to you, you could have
sex with another woman without feeling any less attracted
or attached to her.
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So a friend of mine and I have been having a debate.
She’s a lesbian, and she’s certain that there is no possible
way that she could ever contract a sexually transmitted infection.
Her logic is that fingerfucking and eating pussy are safe
in every way. But I remember taking a class on human sexuality
where our professor showed us pictures of people who contracted
STIs in odd ways. We saw a picture of a guy who had a yeast
infection on his tongue from eating a girl out (it kind of
looked like cottage cheese was growing on his tongue), and
I won’t describe the picture of the guy who had gonorrhea
in his eye.
So I’m just wondering, is it possible for a lesbian to get
an STI? Or were those photos faked just to scare us?
—Verification
Desired
Yes,
lesbians can contract STIs—from each other, from the men some
lesbian-identified women insist on fucking, from lesbians
who’ve slept with men. Skin-to-skin contact—grinding pussies,
fingerfucking—can transmit HPV, for instance, and herpes and
razor burn. Eating pussy is also a pretty effective transmission
route for herpes and HPV and gonorrhea and syphilis and chlamydia
and on and on. And if brain cancer were a sexually transmitted
infection, VD, your seriously fucked-in-the-head friend would
definitely be at risk.
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a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
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