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I’m
a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend, who
is 23, for two years. From the get-go, he has known that I
am bi, and like most straight guys, he’s happy to be with
a girl who likes girls.
The thing is, I am too shy to go out and hit on a girl. Getting
a man was the easy part, but getting a girl who is willing
to fuck around not only with me but also with my boyfriend
is a daunting task. I encourage my boyfriend to talk to women
since he is good eye candy. But I get kinda sorta jealous
when he actually goes and talks to other women. It’s a weird
game that gives me a headache. All I want is to satisfy my
cravings for a woman—is that too much to ask? Am I just being
selfish? Why can’t girls just appear in my bedroom?
—Crazy
About Girls Eternally
Because
you’re not Logan, CAGE, and there’s no such thing as the Circuit
(www.tinyurl .com/cfj89d)—not yet, anyway, even if the Internet
kinda sorta comes close.
If watching your boyfriend hit on girls—ostensibly on your
behalf—gives you a headache and makes you jealous, then you’re
going to have to learn to hit on girls yourself, CAGE, either
in person or online. And you might have more success landing
a willing bisexual girl—a girl who’s interested in you and
your boyfriend—if you made the passes.
Nice, sexually adventurous girls approached by 23-year-old
pieces of male eye candy about two-girls/one-guy threesomes
will assume that it’s about Eye Candy’s fantasies, not the
girlfriend’s. And if you’re hanging back, looking uncomfortable,
jealous, and headachy, even a girl who might be up for a threesome
is going to read reluctance into your demeanor, presume your
boyfriend is pressuring you, and politely decline. Or she’s
going to think you have the swine flu and decline.
If you want pussy, CAGE, you’ll have to take the lead. Remember:
It’s OK to be geeky and inept and awkward when you’re hitting
on someone; some people think it’s cute, and smooth is overrated
when it comes to making passes. (Your boyfriend sounds pretty
smooth—what has it gotten you?) Practice a few cheesy lines,
something direct and truthful, something along the lines of,
“We think you’re really hot, and we’ve always wanted to have
a threesome”—and just blurt it out at the next pretty, flirty
girl who crosses your paths. If you can’t do that, post personal
ads online and flirt via e-mail. There are a lot of couples
online looking for thirds, CAGE, and you’ll increase your
odds of success if you offer to be a couple’s third in exchange
for the woman in the couple taking a turn as the third for
you and your boyfriend.
Of course, that might make your boyfriend jealous—but it’s
his turn, right?
I’m a straight female in her early 20s, currently engaged
to a handsome man three years older. We’re very happy and
we have a strong, healthy relationship, but lately I’ve been
worried about one question: Considering my limited previous
sexual experience (before him, it was oral only), is it still
possible to have a long, enjoyable sex life with him? I’ve
gotten some (well-intentioned, I’m sure) advice that suggests
that we are both making mistakes. I can’t have a satisfying
sex life without being able to compare him to anyone else,
I’m told, and he’s making a huge mistake by pairing up with
a less experienced partner. I hope that the individuals telling
me this are wrong.
I have absolutely zero interest in opening up this relationship,
and I do my best to be GGG. He says I’m a great lover and
a lot more confident in bed now compared to when we first
made love, but I want to improve. Still, I don’t want to find
out down the road that we made a mistake.
—Negligible
Experience With Boning
Are
you happy? Is he happy? That’s all that matters. Just keep
those lines of communication open, NEWB, while you continue
to explore your sexualities together. And remind yourself
every once in a while that even the less experienced partner
in a relationship is allowed to have likes and dislikes, offer
constructive criticisms, and make suggestions—and sometimes
demands. And anyone who is being GGG for her partner
has every right to expect GGG from her partner.
Finally, tell the “friends” who’re offering you such unhelpful
advice—tell those underminers to go fuck themselves. Some
people need to sleep around a bit before they realize what
they like and whom they want. That’s not the case for everyone.
And there are plenty of men and women out there in miserable,
sexually dysfunctional marriages who met after both had plenty
of experience.
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I have a small problem. My niece is 14, and the other
day I met her boyfriend. He’s a sweet boy, with double-pierced
ears and amazing fashion sense. My niece fell for him when
she saw him sporting a pink jacket in the hallway of school,
which is, of course, the reason my niece likes him. What teenage
girl wouldn’t want someone to go shopping with? As a middle-aged
homosexual myself, I can spot a proto-queer a mile away. Needless
to say, my sister loves the boy—he’s a perfect gentleman.
I’m inclined to let it be. They’re only 14; what harm could
it do? Then I worry, what if this goes on for years? I don’t
want her to get hurt. Then again, this boy could just grow
up to be a Felix Unger–type heterosexual. Any advice?
—A
Caring Loving Uncle
It’s
comforting to think that your niece is safe with this boy,
seeing as he’s a perfect little gentleman now and likely to
be a perfect little pillow- chomping bottom when he grows
up (or one of those rare fashion-forward tops). But a study
conducted by the University of British Columbia found that
gay and lesbian youth—closeted or otherwise—were more likely
to get pregnant/impregnate than their straight peers. Because
nothing says “I’m not gay!” like a knocked-up 14-year-old
girlfriend.
So here’s what I’d do if I were you, ACLU: Pull the boy aside
for a chat. Begin with, “You seem like a nice kid,” and then
let him have it: “But if you get my niece pregnant, I will
kill you.” Now pay attention to the italicized bits in what
comes next: “I’d rather you didn’t fuck her—she’s 14, so are
you—but if you need condoms or advice about anything,
don’t hesitate to ask. I won’t repeat anything you ask
me about to my sister. And don’t think I won’t kick your
ass just because I’m gay. I can and I will. Oh, and
love the jacket—where did you get it?”
The boy will emerge from this harrowing chat aware that his
girlfriend has potentially violent family members who are
watching out for her—something all 14-year-old boyfriends
should be made aware of—and that he can confide in you, the
involved gay uncle, privately and about anything. It’s
unlikely that he’ll seize the opportunity to come out to you,
ACLU, and it’s important that you accept the premise of his
heterosexuality (however improbable it might seem) before,
during, and after your talk. You’ll be nudging him in the
direction of coming out to someone, at some point, by setting
an example, ACLU, while decreasing the odds that he will do
real and lasting harm—read: teen pregnancy—to your niece.
As for breaking her heart, well . . . you can’t protect her
from that, and you shouldn’t bother to try. That’s what comes
with being 14.
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a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
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