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I
am a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year,
I have become very close friends with a gay man close to my
age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship.
Four months ago, he told me that he had developed romantic
feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save
our friendship. For a couple of months, we saw each other
only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again.
It’s been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again.
The thing is, I am now experiencing a sexual attraction to
him. I have never been with a man and I am very attracted
to women, but it doesn’t bother me that I suddenly feel this
way.
I have been thinking about asking him if he wants to have
a sexual experience with me. I think he would go for it. A
long-term romantic relationship with him does not interest
me, but I do love him as a friend and don’t want to risk losing
that. Is it possible this could be just a one-time thing that
brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin
our friendship? He is the only guy I have ever been attracted
to, and I want to have this experience.
—Straight
Except For One Guy
While
you’re open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG,
he would probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone.
The fact that he can’t “have you”—i.e., you’re never gonna
gay marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having
sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an
effort to squash to “save the friendship”—duh—and he may dread
the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him
when the inevitable happens and you wind up in a LTR with
a woman.
All that said, SEFOG, I’m going to share a little secret with
you about gay men: We’re men, real men, just like straight
men. We’re good at having sex without getting emotionally
attached—some of us are a little too good at it—and a single
gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance
to get with someone he’s attracted to, even if he wants more
than that person can give. About the only thing that gay men
are better at than straight men—besides deep-throating—is
maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-
benefits, fuck buddies, et al.
Lob your balls into your friend’s court, SEFOG, and see what
he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed
his attraction to you, so I don’t see why you won’t be able
to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.
I’m a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly
(mostly) gay friend who I’ve been having sex with infrequently
but regularly over the last six months. I know why I’m doing
it: I enjoy his company, he’s hot, the sex is incredible.
But I’m not sure why he’s having sex with me, a straight girl.
The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a
“masculine sexuality.” I’d like to have a clearer understanding
of where our friendship/ sexual relationship stands. I am
a person who likes to talk about everything, and he is not.
—Confused
Over Male Eroticism
I
would hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing
this—doing you—for the same reasons you’re doing him: He enjoys
your company, you’re hot, and the sex is great. As for where
you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you
want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you’re
in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you’re
deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly
closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies
as gay, it’s typically because he’s not romantically attracted
to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn’t fall in love with
women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly)
gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don’t fall in
love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly)
straight.
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I wanted to satisfy my curiosity of getting a blowjob
from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and
we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him.
It was not for me and did not feel right. Now, in reality,
what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High?
He did not use a condom. I know you are going to say to get
tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my
chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it
matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15
minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time.
—Sent
From My iPhone
My
apologies to Jerry Herman: It only takes a moment to contract
a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole
life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you—however brief the
blowjob was—had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three,
you could’ve contracted any or all of them. You can’t contract
an STI from a guy who doesn’t have any STIs, of course, but
what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers
he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?
Go get tested, SFMi.
I’m a 23-year-old lesbian who’s been in a relationship
with a bisexual woman. She’s always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl
three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to
invite her best friend, “Roger,” into bed with us. We’ve both
been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start, I refused
to have sex with him. But about two months ago, I decided
I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself.
I couldn’t get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since
then, I’ve missed two periods and done four home pregnancy
tests—all positive.
How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend?
We used condoms! I’d like to keep the baby and raise it with
my girlfriend, but we have been living with each other for
only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all?
—Gay
Baby Mama Drama
How
do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you
break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby
is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it’s a decision
you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you’re
counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate
choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger,
both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of
your condition three pregnancy tests ago.
Your girlfriend may not be ready for the kind of commitment
that coparenting represents. Roger may be nontraditional in
the whole three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but traditional
in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need
their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices
in addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There’s also
open adoption. In an open adoption, you pick the family the
child is placed with, and you and Roger can have ongoing contact
with the child after adoption. You can learn more about open
adoption at www.openadopt.org.
Download
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.
mail@savagelove.net
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