a longtime reader who thought I’d never have a reason to write
since I’m universally known as the “good girl,” but I’m not
sure who else I can turn to. I have a close male friend. Even
though I knew he was dating someone else, we became friends-with-benefits
several years ago. Because of his relationship (and the fact
that he lives with her!), I let him take the lead in setting
up our rendezvous. Sometimes when we’d be together, it felt
like a booty call; other times, it felt like it was leading
to something more. He once admitted that if things were different,
he could see us together. He never really talks about his
girlfriend with me, and a while ago I discovered that while
he was unfaithful to her, he had also been unfaithful to me.
On to the point of this letter: He recently proposed to his
girlfriend. I’m happy for him if it’s what he truly wants,
but I feel like he did it out of desperation. All I know is
that there were some ultimatums involved. Here is my dilemma:
I don’t want to out myself, I don’t want to hurt him, and
I don’t want to ruin our friendship, Dan, but I feel like
she has to know what her fiancé is really like before they
get married. I don’t see his cheating stopping just because
they’ve exchanged a few vows. Should I anonymously contact
her and let her know that her man is a cheating man-whore?
Of Many Other Women
. . . it must have come as a real shock when you realized
that a man who was capable of cheating on his live-in girlfriend
was also capable of cheating on the girl with whom he was
cheating on his live-in girlfriend. No one could’ve predicted,
On to your question: I hate to think of some poor woman marrying
a cheating piece of shit (CPOS)—a CPOS is not to be confused
with an honest nonmonogamous dude (HND)—in ignorance of his
cheating-piece-of-shit-ness. It’s possible that the CPOS’s
fiancée already knows and has forgiven him; perhaps one of
those ultimatums touched on cheating. But odds are better
that this woman doesn’t know, and someone really ought to
clue her in before the wedding. But should that person be
I’m not comfortable with your motives, OOMOW. You may be known
throughout the universe as a “good girl”—as the good
girl—but your actions prove that you’re something of a “bad
girl.” And there’s more: Your desire to destroy your FWB’s
relationship proves that you’re something of a “vindictive
girl,” your attempt to pass your vindictiveness off as concern
for a woman you’ve repeatedly wronged proves that you’re a
“self-deluding girl,” and your desire to accomplish all of
this without paying any price yourself—you don’t want to out
yourself or risk ruining your “friendship” with the man-whore—proves
that you’re a “selfish girl” and a “cowardly girl.”
Back to your motives: The reason you want to do this anonymously
is because your top concern is having the CPOS all to yourself,
and that means sticking a knife in his current relationship
without leaving any fingerprints. So it’s a good thing—a useful
thing—that you weren’t the only “other woman” in his life,
OOMOW, because he’ll never know for sure which one of his
other women ratted him out.
Setting your highly suspect motives aside . . .
If I were in the fiancée’s shoes, I would want to know what
was going on before the wedding. So I do think you should
tell her. But if you have any shred of decency—even the tiniest
bit—you will tell her personally, apologize profusely, and
provide her with some proof. An anonymous tip won’t cut it:
A CPOS who has successfully hidden a collection of other women
from his fiancée will be able to talk his way out of an anonymous
accusation of infidelity. He’ll either claim the e-mail was
sent by a vindictive ex-girlfriend of his, which has the benefit
of being very nearly true, or he’ll claim that an ex-boyfriend
of hers is trying to destroy her happiness.
Finally, OOMOW, why do you want to be with the CPOS? He cheated
on his fiancée, he cheated on you, and he probably cheated
on the women who he was cheating on the both of you with.
He’s a piece of shit, his fiancée is a fool, and you’re a
vindictive, self-deluding, selfish coward. I’m not sure if
you can all do better, or that any of you deserve better,
but I do think you should all try.
I’m a hetero girl in my 20s. I love masturbating and
find myself really good at it, but a lot of the time I get
nothing from hetero porn. Usually it’s because I can’t stand
the girls’ annoying voices. So I rely on gay porn instead,
even when I’m reading erotica. I tend to go for what you gay
guys call “twinks.” (Who the hell is a twink, technically
speaking? Please don’t tell me it’s anything statutory!) I’m
not really concerned, I’m just curious: Is this a common problem?
I now get really intrigued when I meet gay guys in real life
because I get off to so many gay men in porn. I would love
to watch two twinks in reality at some point, but I’m not
sure if any gay guys would ever be into that.
are boyish gay men—boyish men, not boyish boys—in
their late teens to mid-20s with slim-to-slightly-muscular
bodies and relatively hairless chins, chests, crotches, etc.
So long as you’re getting your live-action porn from reputable
porn sites and companies, TL, you don’t have anything to worry
about on the statutory front.
As for watching a couple of twinks go at it, there are lots
of bisexual twinks out there—perhaps you could date one and
have the odd three-way with others? There are also, without
a doubt, some twink gay couples out there as turned on by
the idea of some straight girl watching them go at it as you
are turned on by the idea of watching a couple of twinks go
at it. And thanks to the World Wide Interfluffer, finding
them—or renting them—is easier than ever. And speaking of
twinks . . .
However much Playgirl paid Levi Johnston for that photo
shoot, it wasn’t enough. Most people thought Playgirl—which
ceased publishing in print a while ago—was dead and gone forever.
Prior to this photo shoot with Johnston, who even knew that
Playgirl had a Web site? Or that Playgirl had
a publicist? A publicist who had this to say after the shoot:
“We were talking in the greenroom about gay categories—bear,
cubs—and Levi asked what his type would be. We decided a twink,
but older, so we anointed him a ‘twunk.’ ”
I love the idea of a twunk—an older twink—but Levi Johnston
is 19 years old. How old is a twink supposed to be
if a 19-year-old is already an aged twunk? No, no: Johnston
was never a twink. He is a high-school jock—the hockey variety,
to the delight of gear fetishists everywhere—gone slightly
to seed. But what’s more interesting than sorting Johnston
into his exact gay etymological category is watching Johnston,
once a major homophobe, become increasingly comfortable with
the gays. Celebrity—and that’s what he is now—means having
to hang out and work with (and work for) a certain number
of out homos. One of those homos no doubt explained to Johnston
that not many women would be masturbating to his pictures
on Playgirl’s Web site. It seems that homophobia is
a luxury that Levi can’t afford anymore.
And, psst, Levi? If you did that Playgirl shoot only
to drive your former future mother-in-law crazy—and if that
was your plan, kiddo, it seemed to work—imagine how much crazier
she’ll get if you do a little gay-for-pay porn. Just sayin’.
a new Savage Love podcast every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage.